KAFKAESQUE

I was 27 when i came across kafka. i read his work "THE METAMORPHOSIS " and couldn't understand a bit. How a person changes from a human body to a cockroach was funny to me. It was bizzare as well owning to the fact that why a person could write such complex and dark subject. I forgot it in a short span of time. I couldn't relate to it all. Now i am 31 running and all i can understand is Kafka.

This is mainly because now i am at that stage where realism and fantasy has taken a central stage. Existence becomes a question. My depression grew in me the understanding of what kafka wanted to say through his short novel. Alienation by people and society at large can metamorphize a person into a liability. I could see myself sitting on bed for days. the ability to gauge time span was lost. I could feel roots growing into my bed from my back. There was a tingling., numb feeling which nobody could understand.  

Depression is something which can be seen but at the same time be avoided owning to the taboo associated with it. Nobody wants to address it openly. but its as bad as loss of someone. That someone is your own soul. depression is playing some other character and renouncing your real one. Living for society., for achievements., for some insane sense of getting liked. This creates a burdened sense of living which i was living.

My posture changed., twinkle in my eyes faded. I could waste my time easily. There was no purpose in life. You feel like a caged animal but the cage is your mind. The ability to love diminishes. The ability to maintain relationships just ends. Coming back to those roots which emerged from my kundalini., it was poisonous. It sucked me moment to moment. Now i could understand kafka more than anyone else. I felt him to my core as if i am him. I too felt growing tentacles in my body., seeing that resentment in others face. The layers got hardened with time with no sensation of what others say or do to me. Thick skined as u say. The only good part was my books., some writing and sleeping. I befriended a sacred groove., a jamun tree., a crow and some lizards. I could talk to them everyday., observing them.  

There was not one reason for this state of mind. It was a collective memoir of my life which made me come to this point. Childhood traumas be one of them., then self doubt., lost love., everything boiled down to this moment. Many times i thought of ending my life but miracles kept happening and i was saved. I wrote and wrote but no solution. Kafka was right., there is a time when everything seems meaningless. Life has no value. But then at that time i read Victor Frankl and my sense of purpose was ignited again. Though the deep attachment to kafa and why he burnt all his work due to self doubt., i can understand it now. Self belief is the biggest trophy one can possess. It is the highest form of self love to believe in yourself but when you dont you get a feeling of dejection from everywhere. chronic detrerioration of belief system hacks every part of your body., for me it was pcod., weight gain and diabetes. problem was never people., they were just the symptom., problem is our belief system., our faith and our constant desire and attachments. Kafka made me realise that when your are an immobile part of a system u will be thrown at the junkyard. It is important thus to find your purpose in life. the 'why' of your life. the will to live despite the odds. It's time to cut the roots of my bed. To move again freely.