Iyer Part 8

When I arrived home, my mother noticed something was amiss, and I shared with her my intention to join the army. However, she insisted that I would not be selected and expressed her disapproval of my decision. She also mentioned speaking to her friend's husband, a bank manager, to secure a job for me in the bank. In those days, merely passing board exams would suffice to get a clerical job in a bank.

For a moment, I felt that joining a bank might be a better choice than joining the army. However, I don't know what prompted me to join the army – whether it was my destiny after hearing my uncle's conversation with my sister, or perhaps my desire to stay away from my mother's and sister's life. I told my mother that I would stick to the decision to join the army and that I would be leaving for the army training camp next week.

For the first time, she shouted at me, "No, you are not going!"

I insisted, saying, "Till when shall I be dependent on you? The entire world makes fun of me and hates me, including my sister. For the first time in my life, I have decided to do something on my own. Let me do it."

She again shouted, "No, you will not go to the army. If you are so keen to prove yourself to the world, then go find another job for yourself or join a bank."

At that moment, my sister entered the scene, unaware of the tension in the room. Sensing that my mother was upset and suspecting that she might oppose my desire to join the army, my sister remained quiet. It seemed she was prepared to convince my mother to allow me to pursue my path, but she was taken aback by my mother's uncharacteristic anger.

When I saw my sister entering, I suddenly remembered the conversation between my uncle and sister where my sister wanted me to get out of their family so that she could patch up between my mother and father.

I shouted back, "I am going for army training, and that’s my final decision," and walked out of the house angrily. I never returned home that night and spent the entire night on the streets of Ooty.

A week later, when the time arrived for me to join the training academy in Chennai, I had to board the train. That entire night, I was awake. Maybe my mother was also awake; I could hear the noise of utensils coming from the kitchen from 2 AM. I realized that my mother was preparing me lunch for my journey. I realized that she would have hardly slept, and it made me cry. I thought to myself, "O mother, why do you love me so much? Your eternal love is making me weak. I only want you to be happy, and that’s only possible if I get out of your life." I prayed to Maa Jagadamba to bless my mother with bliss and happiness since I never saw her happy after I was born.

I needed to board a train at 5 am, so I got up at 4 am since the railway station was only 10 minutes away from my house. I dressed up by 4:15 am, but my sister was still fast asleep, or maybe she was acting as if she was asleep. Though my mother tried waking her up to say goodbye to me, she never responded.

My mother packed the tiffin box and said, "Eat it during your journey," and also handed me some money. She also arranged a cab and came with me to the railway station.

We arrived at the railway station at 4:45 pm. Both my mother and I were silent, but occasionally she used to remind me whether I had taken all the required documents needed for joining the army, clothes, etc., perhaps wanting me to stay another day with her. I could see the tears filling her eyes while she spoke. My heart melted when I saw her tears, but I acted as if I didn't notice them.

Moments later, the train arrived, and I looked into my mother's eyes and said, "Amma, I am going."

She said, "Please don’t say that you’re going. Say that you will go and come back."

I caught her feet to seek her blessing; she kept her soft hands on my head and blessed me. Then I turned towards the train, and without looking back at my mother, I boarded the train and searched for my seat. As I sat down, the train started moving, and I vowed to myself that I would never look back. But I was also worried about whether my mother was alright.

I took a mirror from my bag and watched it. I could see my mother running with the train, and finally, when the train started moving fast, she ran with it as fast as she could, looking towards me. Finally, she slowed down, and she was on her knees, weeping. Seeing this, my heart broke; there were tears in my eyes. I couldn't hold back my emotions, and I started crying loudly on the train.