I Love Her. Don'T I?

There’s a whole new concept of ‘Modern Love’ these days. I don’t understand it. People say they love someone, and that they would do anything for that special someone. But soon their love becomes obsolete. They start finding reasons to get out of the trap somehow. And there can be many reasons behind this ‘prison break’. Never mind! I am not writing this to convey what I feel about the others or about their love. I’m writing this piece to tell you how much I love her. Though I’m not very sure of it.

 

It has been months since we have spoken properly. No, we didn’t have a fight or anything as such. We’re not even angry on any argument or dispute that we could have had. We’re just silent. And I feel this silence was necessary. After all the hard times that we had gone through together, we did deserve some silent moments. And life gave us those moments at the right time, just like it gifted us all those beautiful moments.

 

At times, when I am lost in her thoughts, I decide to go out for a walk and feel fresh about the air that surrounds others. But, even the fresh air tries to connect me to the past. I see couples sitting together, holding hands in hands. Few girls crying over their partners’ shoulders and few guys doing the same. Tears roll down my eyes when I remember how I used to share my thoughts and feelings with her. It was a different time overall. She was silent all the time, and never said a word. But the love she showered on me through her silence was phenomenal.

 

I miss her! I miss her to the core of my heart. I wish we were like before. She expects me to. But I don’t know what went wrong between us. Things just stopped working out. I ran out of words, emotions, promises, and care. I remember myself writing words for her, on her, decorating her like the moon, the stars, and like the whole of the Universe, but I feel that I should have never promised her a lifetime of togetherness, because no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want, there always comes a time when you’ve to let go. There always comes a time, when you’ve to understand the other’s state, and just be content with what’s happening.

 

Sometimes, I feel I should go back to her, and tell her how much I love her. I wish I could tell her how much she has meant to me all this time. I love her more than anything or anyone in this rhythmic world of mine. And she knows this very well. My diary has known this for a long time. She has seen every phase of mine. But now, when things have fallen apart for me, and I can’t even describe them, I am silent. I have broken up with my diary, and our story has stopped on the page of March 2015.

 

I want to go back to her, but I don’t know how. How should I go back to her? What would I tell her about my absence? And even if I manage to produce a lie, will I be able to live with it?

 

There are questions that disturb me. There are answers that I have been looking for. I used to play this quiz with myself and my love for very long. But now I feel it’s all gone. The patient, soft-spoken me is no more a part of me. And it’s all not because of her, I know, but still I stay away from her. I don’t know if she really misses me or just enjoys the comfort of being alone and undisturbed. All I know is that "I love her! Don’t I?"