HOW I FEEL

Running. Breathing heavily. My thoughts—too many—flood my mind. Too many to catch, to think about. I try to focus, but the fog won’t lift.. School has been a nightmare. All the people there treat me like a Alien like so what if I get good grades doesn't mean I can't have fun. What if I am a good speaker doesn't mean I can't keep a secret there's also a facade I have to keep on me just to go through everyday. They don’t understand me. They don’t see that I’m more than just grades, more than a speaker. They don’t see the truth behind the mask. No one knows the real me.Home isn't any better just go through the chores. Do your work, score well and have a secure future but what if I don't want that. What if I just want to be free and be my own person just this once and that's what I have decided for today.. Today, I’m done. I’m not going back home. No more plans. No more pretending. I’ll keep walking until I find peace, until I feel safe. Today, I’m living for myself.

One Step at a time just keep going, I tell myself. Feel your instincts go towards what your feelings convey to you. Keep going, take a right and a left turn, just keep moving your body and then.. Suddenly I felt something powerful that broke me away from the chain of thoughts I was having. It was nothing special, just an old abandoned greenhouse overgrown with creepers. I didn't know such a place existed in this suffocating small town. The greenhouse was nothing special on its own. Some pots were broken and there was mud all around though it wasnt that run down it looked like people just forgot about it with time. Somehow in that moment of time i felt this place was just right, no people no chores no stress no thoughts just these creepers small shrubs some benches and tiny ray of light entering just a perfect mood setter for a long deep self clarification of mind. I settled my school backup on one of the benches, cleared some dust and sat myself.I analyzed the place on second thought it wasnt that rusty and might be well maintained too. I looked around the place and it looked like it hadn't had any visitors for a while. I took out my journal (just for the sake i never truly write my actual thoughts in it more like a creative space for me) VESPERA VALE written with colourful pens and highlighters with some stickers. I went to this High school named LARKSPUR high. The only high school in this town. I opened my journal flipping through pages looking at each one remembering the time I wrote them first. I always liked going through my journal. It was my favourite time pass and escape

Flipping through those pages i stumbled on one those doodle i made long back i couldnt remember the exact moment though somewhere in my mind i had a faint flashback of when i wrote it it was nothing special just some outdated motivational lines and a doodle of a brain with criss cross line symbolizing the cluster of tangled thoughts i have. I am surely not one of those over dramatic people who get depressed at minor inconveniences they get but surely I do overthink every minor detail in mind that makes me anxious. Anyways i kept flipping and opened a fresh page and stared at the lines for a while before writing something symbolic again because i could never truly express how i feel.

I took out a pen from my bag, more like dig it up because it was lost in the ocean of small bits of pages and notes tucked inside my bundle of books which were also quite unkept for a normal high schooler. I started writing at first i went completely blank their was a tiny numbness in my brain i was thinking but it was like i was looking at myself from a third persons point of view i could think what i had to write but my brain couldn't really process the instructions and write my thoughts down it was like i was in a semi conscious state.i stayed like that for a while when something suddenly clicked and i started writing at first it was very random like my favourite songs of the time and some lines from my favorite show that sticked with me but more i wrote more i was able to calm that tangled thread in my head i felt lighter even though i did not write about it it somehow got sorted during the process but their is always a stinging feeling left that never quite goes it is always deeply buried in your head until it finds its way back when you are going through a stressful situation its like a reminder that no matter how healed you will feel. You can never really overcome the train of thoughts that you have.

After finishing the writing the journal i rested my back against the bench, i looked around the way the dust particles shined in the ray of light coming in the greenhouse looked so majestic to me. It felt like a new experience i felt the place doesnt look depressed at all instead it looks like the hopes and dreams of people who might have once visited the place are still buried underneath all that overgrown grass and dirt. I started walking to explore whats more to this place i discovered today it felt almost like a mysterious place from all those fairytale books where the protagonist always found solace in that place quite chilched i wondered but this was different it wasnt some out the fairytale textbook beautiful place some might call it a dump but to me it felt like a safe place where i dont have to wear the facade of being the perfect person everyone expects me to be. While crossing some overgrown roots i found a tiny office might have been of the staff that used to operate the place i tried to open the door but it was stuck i looked around for a way to get in, but i did not had the courage to fight the bugs that might be inside to i moved on. I thought to myself the main characters always want to explore the unknown but i dont understand why the things you dont know about scare you the most then why dive into the problem itself some might argue that you might find something that gives you purpose or it might be for the best but their is an equally possible chance of things turning out for the worst and the real world it slightly rigged towards the second option.

By the time i finished recollecting myself the sun rays hit the trees in way that they all were painted golden. The golden rays making escape from the small spaces between the leaves and pouring themselves onto the ground this place is just beautiful i thought to myself it is warm it is oddly comforting it is peaceful and it is magical.I quickly grabbed my stuff and walked towards the exit i love when the sky is about to set for the night but you can see the a plattle of diffrent shades of violet and red it looks like mixing diffrent colours that fit so well together. I was just about to turn the corner to my home when i spotted a black rusted object lying with weight on the ground the one you look at and go yeah no nope not opening that now as a resposible girl who doesnt want to have any troubles i ignored it and went home yeah i am curios but cuirosity doesnt get the best of me or that is what i wanted to say but it was a diary and i wanted to see whats written it. I always think how a few words on paper can tells us so much about a person we havent met but only if what they wrtie is true unlike me who is performative even on the paper.