Happiness makes me sad

Why do I keep writing? what is the point? Am I just worried about my existential loneliness? It doesn't matter, it shouldn't. Maybe only she would remember me, it would be great revenge if she feels the emotion that is.

17 May: Started the same as always, a gray lit day and a dark room and a hesitation to go on and on through the same cycle. (Maybe I should write this like a play)

me: I hate god, why would you put me through such monotonous misery?Nevermind, I'm getting late

I do the same thing I've been doing for the past few years, downstairs is where most of my family hangs out, mom and grandma. I don't hate them, or maybe my mind doesn't and I do. I feel like this cognitive dissonance will remain for a long time. Maybe I do hate them. I go on, breakfast- same old "food", I walk to the bus stop, the same 15-minute walk, and I wait. Maybe today they will die? I keep affirming throughout the way, "They will die today" I reach, after what felt like 26 minutes. The college same old people a tall guy, a chubby one, a funny one, the smart one, and me. Of course there are more, but now they don't matter. 

Hours go by, just staring and occasionally speaking and then I go home. Today was special, I came home later than usual. Can't wait to talk to Sai.

I come home, no one was in the hall, I walk to the kitchen...empty, lifeless.

I come back later, 8:16 PM, to be precise I look down at the kitchen floor, I notice blood, a giant pool, but it was clotted. I say the kitchen was lifeless, cause both were dead, mom and grandma, my affirmations worked, and I was free.