Glad I Took The Right Decision

I woke up with a mild headache at 9 to the greetings of the birds chirping in the gutter down the road. No human voice came to greet me. I looked up at the ceiling and then at my hands, soiled and yellow as they were. Thousands of images of the previous night flashed through my mind, I shuddered for a moment, curled up and hugged myself.

I went to the basin. Looked at myself in the mirror. I suddenly felt a male grip around my waist, a cold sniff under my ear and the smell of vodka from my clothes. Surprised, I turned around in the gloomy air just to find a reason to pity my overdressed body and brain.

I had another audition today. I fitted myself in the same dress that I was wearing yesterday (my arms and legs ached), put on a coat, took a miser gulp from my beer can and left my rented apartment. The stare of a man from the window of a Mercedes and the comment of the boy pulling the rickshaw didn’t affect me much now. I had learnt to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to such people.

I reached the audition hall. They gave me a cloth piece and told me to squeeze myself in it. There wasn’t any changing room, no privacy, nothing to hide. 60 more girls were in the same dress as me. We were given a number tag which was to be stuck on our bodies. No dignity for oneself in anyone’s heart and no self consciousness. With a numbered tag tied to my waist I was made to walk in front of the whole team of selectors. There were photographers, fashion designers, spot boys, need not be mentioned that they were all males. I was asked to turn back and walk once again. A man came to my backside, took a round around me with his eyes fixed not on my face but on my body, from above his glasses. His glare no more pierced my heart.

My body was better than the other girls present there, I had agreed to work for half the bucks other were being offered and also I had a fifteen minutes private meeting with the manager in his cabin, all alone. May be these were the reasons I was selected to act for a short film. NO time for rest, no reason to rejoice. Straight away I was given my dress and sent to a room to wait for the technical staff to arrive. No script was given to me, neither was I introduced to the male co-star. With no emotions or attention, a rough expressionless face told me to do a bold scene with a male actor who seemed to be as lost and shocked as me. “What are they asking me to do? Should I tell them that I cannot do this in front of so many people, or not do this at all for that matter? But how am I going to buy meal today for my stomach which is empty since two days?” This question put an end to the turmoil going on in my numb mind. I did the shoot, was paid twenty bucks less than what had been decided upon and sent back without a word of goodbye or thanks. Neither was I conscious enough to say or do anything!! Some of the private moments which I had been looking forward to spend with a very special person, the moments I wanted to keep cherished in my memory forever, flew off within two hours with someone whose face I hardly remembered after getting home!!

I was tired, too tired but I had to go to my part time job of a waitress at a pub. Now that sounded relieving. I loved that place because that was the only place where I could get drunk and escape all the miseries of my spoiled career. I stole a shot of vodka from the tray I was serving, went to the storeroom behind and put it down my throat in one go. Aah! That’s better!! My problems didn't vanish like the vodka, it was just that I didn't feel them now. Didn't matter to me now that who was holding my hand, who was asking me my rates or whether the pub holder had slapped me. Nothing! I was lost, lost in the numbness of my brain that my sweet vodka had given me and then just like my mother used to do five years back, she it put me to sleep…

I felt so lonely, so left out. I picked up my phone but what was I supposed to do with that. My parents had shunned me out of their house when in my 9th standard I took arts instead of science and told them about what I aspired to be (though now I regret it). The boy I thought was my life walked past my door with my money and some other girl in his arms. But wait, my sister lived in the same town. She had also broken all relations with me but come one, she will understand me! I dared to knock my sister’s door after 4 long years. I thought she will allow if not welcome me to come back to her. But her husband opened the door just to say,” stay away from my wife, you prostitute” and shut me out.

No, I told myself. This is wrong. My mother had once taught me that taking someone’s life is a crime but taking your own life is an uglier one. I had seen one of my neighbors’ miseries when their son hanged himself under study pressure. How can I do this? But..But what else will you do? I asked myself. Where will you go? Look at yourself. You've lost everything. No money, no name, no fame. Your boss can touch you wherever and whenever he wants to. Can you do anything? How will you survive? You didn't know your sister got married two years ago. Your family (barely can be called one) has forgotten you. You have hurt them so much. You are useless. You have nothing to live for, no goals, no dignity, no one trustworthy, no hand to hold on, no one to stop you now, no one to say “stop..please stop. I am here with you”. Neither did anyone come nor did I stop myself. In the same dress that they had given me, with the same body that was now not my own, with the same eyes that had forgotten to cry, the same heart that had no pity for itself or for anyone else, stopped!! Stopped beating forever.

One more headline, some more suspects, some more investigations, some more money making and nothing more. I don’t know if my mother cried for me, don’t know if my father came to take my body. Just overheard some relatives say, “Good that she died”. That kind of relieved me that I took at least one correct decision in my life!