Emotionless

I was born without emotions. There is not a softer way of saying it. I was born without emotions. That’s a fact. It’s not only pain I can’t feel, it’s also sadness, happiness, anger, those were just foreign words to me. Somebody could torture me for days and I would feel nothing or somebody could break my heart and yet I won’t feel sad.

People tell me I’m lucky to not be heartbroken or depressed but if I’m lucky then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I wonder what it’s like not to exist?

My parents thought of me as some sort of anomaly. They pretended that I wasn’t their child when I was young and I didn’t feel out of place or self conscious. I still played and ran around a lot but I never had fun, I never laughed. I have never laughed in my life. At school no one talked to me, I sat alone at lunch and I didn’t mind. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel anything. 

My mom had yelled at me once when I dared to complain, 'YOU ARE SO LUCKY YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING!' She was crying, maybe it was because dad was at work. 

My dad worked a lot, he was a scientist. I didn’t know what kind of scientist. He never told me and I never asked. I think that’s where dad got The Machine. The Machine that would change my life.

My dad told people that in exchange for money, they could get rid of the emotions of their choice. Those emotions were to come to me. The first person to come was a woman in her thirties. 

The Machine worked like a charm and the woman gave me the first emotion I ever felt. If I could feel, I would have felt excited then but what would be the point? Because the first emotion I felt was depression. A woman in her thirties gave a fourteen year old depression, knowing well my age. 

Depression felt like a storm was brewing inside me, a storm of words and phrases that were torturing but not killing me, I felt like I wanted to cry tears, tears that could flood a city, I felt so alone, it felt like I was the only person in the world and I would die soon, so soon, maybe sooner than expected. The world was so dark, it was all black and I kept on asking the question 'What was the point of living? Maybe I should just die'

It kept on happening, people giving me negative emotion, regret, guilt, anger, anxiety. People liked to call me a negative person but would they expect me to be positive when all I have is negative emotions? I have never felt happy or laughed. I still haven’t laughed and I was nearing eighteen. At least I could feel hungry or sleepy but what was the use if I was self conscious? 

The day before my eighteenth birthday an old woman came to my dad. She smiled at me. I wondered what emotion she’d give this time? Hate? That would be new. As The Machine wired I couldn’t help but think that something was different and it was. 

As I looked around the room, everything was so colorful, so bright and cheerful. My cheeks were starting to hurt and I realized I was smiling and I didn’t stop. Through the window, I could see the sun, it’s bright gaze looking above me like it was smiling too. 

Happiness felt like home, it felt like getting a full grade in math, it felt like achieving your goal, it felt happy and then I laughed. Laughter was a beautiful sound. It was musical and yet chaotic. I started to cry while laughing. Tears of joy.

I wanted to thank the women so badly and I did. I hugged her and kept on whispering thankyou, thankyou, over and over again. Happiness was sacred, I wanted to hold it forever in my arms, I wanted to feel it in my bones. The world was amazing and I was amazing too.