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Vikram Rao

Abstract


4.6  

Vikram Rao

Abstract


Dreams Die First

Dreams Die First

9 mins 24.6K 9 mins 24.6K

As a child, if you say, my dream was that I would have lots of friends at school and we would all keep playing and hopefully never grow up. But by the time I was in 9th grade I had studied in 10 schools and 4 states and learned 4 languages but didn’t have any friends.


Dreams die first.


Finally in school and early college, I wished that I could move around with people with confidence but I had a hard time finding what could make them respect/like me and so I was friends with everybody but had no friends.


Dreams die first.


Getting a baby sister 11 yrs younger, a baby I adored, spent hours playing with her was suddenly bundled off to a hostel in my own interest while the one friend I had stayed home with parents.


Dreams die first


Bundled into a hostel at 12 in a large city, dropped alone at night outside the gates with a large heavy suitcase as the relative drove away, I was so completely alone in the world, could not even drag the suitcase inside I realized that I was all alone in the world.


Dreams die first


Bad dreams, sickness, fear, anxiety, loneliness – had to battle all these alone with no one to even speak to


Dreams die first


If you didn’t run for breakfast, lunch, or dinner you didn’t get enough to eat or even the few dishes available. Anytime late hunger was the companion till the next meal.


Dreams die first


Games, sports, running around, being active and hunger would take over, causing unbearable pain but you had no home, nobody to run to and say – I am hungry. You had to wait until the next meal was served.


Dreams die first


Interested, talented, welcomed to play, opportunities given but soon dropped because hunger and being physically weak made you unfit to perform.


Dreams die first


17 yrs old, Strange pains, strange feelings visits to doctors alone, was simply told to stop playing and the medical problems never revealed, never discussed, just ignored with bad consequences in later life


Dreams die first


Joined engineering and thought to know 6 languages I could make a lot of friends from across the country and I was a member of every group but yet was an outsider with all.


Dreams die first.


I went on to do post-graduation and thought I could make mature relationships but then everyone was so competitive and focussed that I was a bit of a misfit and always brushed aside.


Dreams die first.


I had big dreams of landing a dream job but my post-graduation was a new specialist stream and I was given a job based on my engineering.


Dreams die first.


Joining the first job I was dreaming of using my skills to show efficiency and success until one day the boss told me that the company wasn’t my parental property to make changes in how they worked.


Dreams die first.


Desperate for a friend, a companion the dream was to have a spouse and together have a beautiful pink frock, my own baby that I would pamper, play with and spoil rotten. It did happen only for


Dreams die first


Recognized for my work landed a great job in a global company only to find that someone from family also worked there, resented the opportunity given to me and everyone protested leaving me waiting for long before being allowed to join work.


Dreams die first.


A beautiful spouse, me madly in love, getting a pink frock as dreamed always and at the most important juncture in our life diagnosed with epilepsy.


Dreams die first


Unable to work, travel, drive, go out alone my life was at an end and as I prepared to shut down my life, my future, a large-hearted boss ensured that in this situation that


Dreams didn’t die then


Compromised by health, fear of what next, gratitude & indebtedness to those who allowed me to keep my job, didn’t let me drown, working harder than everyone else, keeping my job was more important than growing my career like my friends


Dreams die first


The adored baby sister, now more protected than ever by parents, made into a competitor for god knows what & why, not even allowed to be a part of her life except as a guest.


Dreams die first


Back with parents after 22 years, resentment of my independence, creating nonexisting competition between wife and much younger sister, the jibes, taunts, sarcasm when life should have been about enjoying every minute with an adorable, pretty, smart little baby, our dream come true pink frock.


Dreams die first.


Sickness, bad sickness, first mother, then father, the disease and suffering relentless, the money disappearing, desperate to hold on to the job, busy day and night, a neglected dream of a pink frock at a crucial stage in her life


Dreams die first


Death then again death, the suddenly empty house, the suddenly available free time, once more the gratitude, the indebtedness for those who allowed me to keep my job and didn’t let me drown, my career again and again compromised even as friends scaled great heights.


Dreams die first.


A suddenly now grown-up daughter, no longer a pink frock, an adult far beyond her years, a lost childhood, a lost parental bonding, fiercely independent, a mind of her own yet a child, dependent and loving. So near yet so far.


Dreams die first.


Extremely smart, intelligent, a wisdom far beyond her years, anything but a pink frock, facing life with her own challenges however different, me making what I now realize a mistake 12 years ago as she was stepping into graduation leaving her forever in life – bitter, angry and resentful.


Dreams die first


Away from home to study in a foreign country, away from home for the first time in 25 years, to stay alone, studying on debts, I leave her only to weep alone in the privacy of the taxi while my friends, careers managed well with no indebtedness set up homes with mother for their children so they can do well.


Dreams die first


A young wife who dreamt of studies, maybe a career, working amongst plants, gardens, flowers her passion and joy, a farm for her to walk and enjoy every day, a husband young and insensitive, desperate for a companion and friend, selfish in action but not intent who does not or cannot give her the opportunities she has always wanted


Dreams die first


You wanted to be her knight in shining armor, working to make her dreams come true, knowing her desires and wishes and fulfilling them, giving her space to grow, succeed and be a person in her own right, striving for her happiness, and you actually thought you were doing exactly that till you realize that you were just an also nice guy, not her most wonderful human being. With yourself, you had dragged her also down to say


Dreams die first 


The neglect of childhood finally surfaces, my bones are a mess even my spine, multiple surgeries, steel rods, enough to keep a person at home and in a wheelchair, anxious family and friends, and encouraging surgeon and life filled with the same ending but I tell myself


Dreams DON’T die first


Life has been a challenge, a struggle, full of warts while others see smooth skin, the loneliness of childhood never going away. The need to be so so strong, so you can physically lift yourself up against the protests of an aging and weak body but also mentally lift others up, hold them up, walk them, support them as you strive to infuse positive energy, positive thoughts, reassurances, optimism, even as you carry a burden by feeling the pain of others. You then after all this have to pump yourself to keep afloat, happy, positive and have the courage to face whatever fate throws at you, crossing the river when it comes, navigating the torrent, never giving up, never stopping, because


Dreams die first


A broken heart, broken again, every dream and desire filled with hurdles, my pink frock seems to be carrying on in my footsteps where every step that promises happiness is riddled with broken glass, a déjà vu even if in a different manner


Dreams die first


A much-desired opportunity comes true, the family is happy, excited, finally, my pink frock will lead a life she loves, in a place she loves, in a job she loves, shopping for her new life done, packing started, tickets booked, nothing could go wrong, every step crossed smoothly till the world is hit by a virus


Dreams die first


The opportunity to travel, drive around, see new places, hanging out with our pink frock, going shopping, seeing shows, laughing together, eating new dishes and slowly slipping into the twilight years with some regrets but yet with happiness and peace of mind


Dreams die first


Finally, a job where all that was not achieved in 3 decades seem to be achievable, an opportunity to be a part of history, the tree cared for decades finally going to yield fruit, the hard work of decades finally ready to give happiness, satisfaction and the world is hit by a virus


Dreams die first


The pink frock that you always wanted in life, now full of bitterness, remembers the mistakes you did as a parent, blaming you for her plight, never laughing or happy, living a lonely life, all her thoughts to herself, fighting all her battles alone, crying alone, shutting you out from her inner life where you long to hold her, comfort her, wipe her tears, with you but yet not with you


Dreams die first


A mother and wife who feels that she has failed her pink frock, that she has not created a home and future for her, desperately afraid that she would leave her pink frock alone in this world, the flesh weak, the mind helpless the future bleak


Dreams die first


As you step into your twilight years thinking of spending that with your adorable pink frock, who at whatever age will still be your baby, your pink frock, who you wanted to see grow up into a happy smiling woman, and as you stumble in old age would be reassuring, encouraging, supportive, motivating, teasing, holding hands to cross the road, you realize you have failed her, failed her mother, failed as a father, failed as a husband – without even realizing it but actually thinking you were supportive, that you did a great job till you are told that you are very very wrong


Dreams die first


As we start our journey into our twilight years, we have a home, decently good health, any outsider looking in envying you for your near-perfect life, needing nothing and you face the reality that you have everything but yet nothing.


Dreams die first



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