Chapter One Intro

I had always known I was different as a child. I went to the nursery. I was so creative with no care in the world. I had no responsibility. I wanted to be a superhero and save the world even though I was premature and six months behind everyone else. The world looked so big and I was so small. I was later to learn I was autistic well on the spectrum. ( This didn't mean anything at the time). I was a happy child finding my way in the humungous world. It was very important to me to be invisible at the time as other children could be so noisy, it hurt like funder on a tree, agonising!

I needed a routine and to do things repeatedly each day. I would have meltdowns over the smallest things growing up. I didn't have a bond with my mom as such as how ill I was. My mom also suffers from depression after I was born. I blamed myself for that as a child. But never the less I was a happy child with no care in the world. As I got older from the age of six I could do at the age of six what children at the age of three could do. I would play gutters as I grew and track one two three. It's a bit like tag but saying one two three then hiding. It was astonishing how fast we ran like rain falling to the floor and knock door run (I loved playing these games, the excitement rushing through my blood).

As I was a child I was close to my nan and grandad. I was one of the lucky ones to still have them around to go one holiday and play on the summer beach. I and my older sister would lie facing the sky and wishing on stars at night. In the day making clouds into little animal shapes. I live in a four-bedroom house with my mom, dad and older sister, one younger sister and brother. I was slim with chocolate brown eyes and black hair. I wore a blue uniform for primary and little black shoes.

 When looking back my life was good up to the age of eleven years old. My mom would fight like they were marked but to me, it was like a family of wolf's when they got angry. They didn't have a good start in life there selfs. Our neighbours were forever threatening my family so my mom would wake us up to bang on the walls, playing our music as loud as I could. My parents taught us to stick up for our self's.

For the first year of high school, I was bullied and invisible to the world but I met Wesley that year when I was walking to play on the basketball pitch. He was charming, caring and he loved basketball. I remember me sitting on the field and him pulling me down the hill to the point my shirt had turned green in the blue sky. For the next few weeks, we would sit in the sun looking at the clouds what shapes we could make. Walking around and chilling at his house. Every time mom and dad argued, I was not alone, he showed compassion and love. He was unaware I used to self-harm until this point. He told me don't tell your friends as they will be jealous so he pushed all my friends away. It was worth it as long as I had him that cared, adored me.

We went on our imaginary holidays to the beach in my head. We ate ice cream while riding the fierce horse competing with me all the way. We would go back to hotels as I got older. We would have a fag together. We hugged each other, then started kissing. I said what are you doing. He said obey me I own you. He then moved closer, I couldn't. I could feel his warm hair on his face on mine slowly. I said stop. He said this is what adults do. So then I tried to be a good girl at this point. He had undressed me but backed. l only had a pink thong on. He then slides them down. Then told me to do a spin, I did. That's when he said you are mine forever, wherever you go I will find you.

I felt his cold hands running around my breast then he chucked me to the bed. I was looking around this old room. There was no stuff in it, one exit. I thought, what if he kills me? He then put his fingers inside me constantly in and out and he said it will turn you on, it’s called your clit. I did a little bit of a squirt and he said I must have liked it as I squirted. But when he put his willy inside me I thought I was dying. I was crying saying stop but he didn’t. He got faster. He said you like it, you slut, you are all mine. I'm going to impregnate you. When he finally stopped I stood up in pain. I looked down and I was bleeding. He then replied with, "women don’t always like the first time. You will like it and you will be asking for it." I walked home scared I may be pregnant. I didn’t understand how to soon after.

As I started my period early, I got home. I went to my room crying. The next day I went to school. I had been chosen by the staff to do a program called 'viva vulnerable individual voicing action.' Unknowing what it was I was just happy to leave classes. While at the group I would burst into tears as they talked about consent and I walked out.

She would follow me I couldn't tell her but I wanted to but I asked where I could get condoms from as I needed them for an older friend. She looked at me I could see her eyes fleeing at me. I knew she knew they were really for me. She then asked have I had sex. I replied no, I haven't but I knew she could see straight through my chocolate puppy dog eyes. She then went on to suggest a sexual health clinic and she started if your friend has been having sex with a stranger they can also do sit swabs. I then asked what that was. She would carry on to say sexually transmitted diseases. I agreed I didn't want to say I didn't even know what that was. Seeing Wesley for years by this point he would say can you have sex with my friends for me as a favour. I looked at him in total shock the first time he asked. I was so anxious from my fingers to my toes. I just said okay when I wanted to say no but I loved him.

Now I want you to think about if you wrote a letter to your younger self what would you say__________________

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Now I want you to circle how you feel daily:

Monday.    Sad.   Happy. Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Tuesday sad happy agitated emotional worried

Wednesday sad.   Happy. Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Thursday sad happy agitated emotional worried

Friday sad.   Happy. Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Saturday sad happy agitated emotional worried sad.   Happy. Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Sunday sad happy agitated emotional worried sad.   Happy. Excited scared