Being A Star

Waking up to the sound of waves was her favorite thing about her inconsistent routine. Her waist length hair covered one side of her face while she was half awake. She finally opened her eyes and with a yawn looked at the window on the side wall which was now covered with ethnic Indian mustard yellow curtains. She was feeling very lethargic today, especially after the late night party she had attended the previous night. She woke up alone, alone in her mansion of dreams & expectations. While tying her hair in a bun she walked towards the window in her free flowing silk white night gown. Her eyes were tired, but at the same time they had a different kind of love & purity oozing out from them. She was observing the waves of the ocean and her mind started bursting with questions. ‘What if this doesn't work out like before?’ ‘Will this Friday decide the fate of my career, or will it now end?’ ‘Am I over thinking?’ ‘What if they like the movie, but not me?’ ‘Have I done everything I could for this movie?’ The questions came to her like a storm and left her with same speed & intensity. Before she could go any deeper into her thoughts, her mobile phone lying on the bed side table rang. She was withdrawn from her thoughts instantly, walking towards her side table she picked up the mobile phone. It was the producer who was probably calling out of release excitement, she thought and did not pick up the call. She then went to her kitchen to check if the maid had come today, the maid was quietly washing the dishes & preparing breakfast for her. It was thirty past 10 and she had an interview at 12. Though she was not interested in it but she had no way out, and it just clicked to her that the producer might have called her to confirm the interview. But she did not give it much of a thought as she knew her manager would have confirmed the same on her behalf. Her manager was like her shadow with a twist, she was always there when she wanted a friend, philosopher and a guide but she was also absent when she was not needed. She stared at the maid and walked towards her living room without speaking a word, talking was exhausting. This was her favorite room in the house. It had a book shelf which homed some of the best-selling authors she had read over the years and also some of the books which disappointed her, one of which was her husband's autobiography. She picked it up from the book shelf and opened a random page only to read a thought provoking quote. ‘I'm curious about people. That's the essence of my acting. I'm interested in what it would be like to be you - Meryl Streep.’ The quote made her think about her own life and how the same curiosity had now led her to a point where she had forgotten herself. She no longer knew who she was without the camera, what her own likes and dislikes were; all her likes, dislikes, frustrations, surprises and sadness's - all of it was linked to the movies she did. She was no longer herself, not in her own mind and never in any of her fan's imaginations. She was always regarded as this perfect actress who did no wrong, who gave flops but acted well even in those so called box office duds. But she was now getting tired of the same limelight she grew up following. Keeping the book back to its place, she switched on the TV set and plugged into a news channel, but to her despair the news channels were disappointing. She expected to watch some news but they played movie gossips instead. The headline made her chuckle. "Rahul Kumar spotted with Alyn D’souza, the love birds leave airport together." She couldn't help but laugh on these headlines. Alyn was playing a part in her movie and when she was asked about Rahul in a friendly casual conversation off-screen, she had replied with a new found zest, "See I don't think my fans can handle that I am a lesbian. Rahul is just a dear friend." How innocent the fans are, she thought to herself. She never had crazy fans, she always attracted intellectual types, not the ones who threw roses or the ones who stalked. She somehow envied her fans a bit, because their biggest dream would be to meet her, or to chat with her or have a cup of coffee with her and they could achieve that if they tried a little. While her biggest dream was to have fans minus the paparazzi which was impossible, she knew. She wanted a day in her life when she could roam around have panipuri unapologetically without being clicked by a fan or a reporter and not become a headline for just a basic human activity like eating. Being famous is like a double edged sword; you gain some, then you lose some. After a two hour bath she was now ready for the interview which was going to happen in her drawing room itself. While she loved giving interviews, she was now getting bored of them - same questions, same answers, and more or less the same reporters. She knew her fans were waiting for her answers and they would love to see her say the same answers again and again, because they loved her and love doesn't follow logic. She was very irritated and wanted to stop all of this and retire into her shell, but this was what she had done all her life; the only thing she knew to do perfectly was to act. And now it was impossible to survive without it because it was her bread and butter, how would she earn if not this? By the time the reporter arrived, the first show of her latest movie had released and the news was not good. The producer called to share his disappointment, “It did not go as we planned. The first show had only 30% occupancy and people are not liking the movie. But your work is appreciated; hopefully we shall recover the cost. Don't worry! You are a superstar, may be next time luck will favor us." And with that he cut the call before she could respond. She took a deep breath and the doorbell rang announcing the reporter's arrival. The maid opened the door welcoming the reporter in. Post a few formal cordial exchanges he sat down, arranged the equipment and the camera with his team while she stood staring at her mobile phone post the producer's haunting call. "Madam we are ready, shall we start the interview" the reporter asked. "Yes! sure" she replied and sat on her sofa which was now facing the camera. The interview went well, a lot of questions about her personal life and her latest movie popped up and finally the reporter asked her his last question, "Ma’am you have worked in this industry for the last 25 years, what do you love about your life the most?"

All she could say was, "Being a star."