8th April, 2019

This is not a story. It's something I wrote for myself quite a while ago and I feel like I need to share it. People will read it and make their own stories and that's fine by me. And for people who can relate to it, I hope you're in a better place now or will be in a better place in some time. Time heals everything and everyone.

8th April. I tried to write something. It's not anything special. Not even a poem. It's just going to be words. Words splashed like paint strokes on a canvas with the artist having no sense of what he is creating. It is as random as that. But he hopes that after he is finished, it will be meaningful. Not to the world perhaps, but the painting will have a meaning in his own little world. 

It's getting simpler to make decisions. More simple is judging someone or something. It's getting even easier if I want to act. However, it's getting harder to express me. Even harder to face and talk to people. And the hardest it is to feel anything. It's having your own world with little or no sense of managing it. It's destructive, sometimes. But you can manage through. It's a constant state of trance where you are dazed and unconscious for many days altogether. It's painless but confusing. It's like losing yourself to a demon inside you. It's passive. The worst is you can't do anything about it.

Do you want help? No. I'm fine. I'll be better as time passes, I think. You say that because you don't know what's happening to you and why. You have no idea how you will explain it to others. You don't know what's causing it and when it will end. And somewhere inside you, yes, you hope and that it will be fine. Someday. 

At the end of the day, you wish that it'll be alright. The world is fine the way it is, I can't change it, neither I want to. I'm just a little bit tired and wish that they would halt and realize their actions. You can dream of yourself smiling while sleeping and suddenly find out that it's all over. You can only dream that. For now. It's still at a place further away than the present. 

Until then, it's still a life of no struggle and every struggle. It's hard explaining it to others and to yourself. Sometimes you just think that you are different. But then you think that you are so egoistic and stupid to think that. You are just like everyone. Perhaps even they feel the same way sometimes. You just don't get to see that. Maybe they are also hiding this side of theirs. Unlike you. Not because you want to grab attention, in fact, just the opposite, you wish they'd understand and leave you alone. You will be fine as time will pass. You will reach out to them once when it's over and you are happy. But are you sad right now then?

No. You are fine. Just fine. Not happy, but not sad too. You are fine. Believe that you are fine. Nothing's wrong. It's just a small problem that will go away. It's fine. It happens. Don't worry. Act like you always do. But don't let the darkness succumb you. Never.