Flowers In My Sandbox

There are flowers in my sandbox 

And I do not know who put them there.

Last night, when I wanted to die, 

I googled words no one knows 

How to pronounce and spent over an 

Hour learning how to spell them, 

You see, half the issue with learning 

Phonetics is not knowing how to 

Read every letter in your head, which 

Is why when I spell S-A-D, you say it 

Sounds like love, but there's only 

So much of it that a person can get 

And give and honestly? I spent the 

Entire day in preparation of death 

Without realising how or why or even 

Whose and it felt more liberating 

Than the day I banged the door to 

My past shut. I did not drink water 

All day. I wore the dullest crimson I own. 

I opened every window in my apartment 

And let the flies come in. Summer left 

Without saying goodbye.

Last night, when I was 

Sitting on the ledge of my window 

Wearing nothing but all the words 

I've ever said to myself, even a gust 

Of wind could've knocked me down. 

I read somewhere that the only way 

You can know if you're kind, is if you're 

Able to shoot down the first thing which 

Crosses your mind to make space for 

Tenderness and grace, but how do I 

Make everyone believe I'm 

Not when I have love 

And laughter for everyone but myself? 

I have never held butterflies in my palm 

Or played peekaboo with a baby or

Rocked a puppy to sleep. There are so 

Many things I am yet to do but there 

Isn't enough of the day left, if I lost 

My balance it would probably be too 

Dark to see me when I finally land, 

I've been practicing jumping, these days. 

I took a leap of faith from the fifth stair 

And did not twist my ankle and knew 

Then that it isn't my time yet, I 

Have the survival instincts of a 

Middle-aged man with a job 

Just pathetic enough to make him hate 

His life a little.

Last night, I wanted to die. but 

Today there are flowers in my 

Sandbox and I do not know who 

Put them there but god forbid 

If I do not water them every single day.