On 10th June 2017, a major change took place in my life.I made a decision three days before and today was the day to make it real.
I am already 36 years old and this decision was bit too late for me.You may be thinking what is that major decision which changed my life?
Without wasting your time I would like to introduce my past life first.I was born on 1 st September 1981 as a girl in Durg (C.G),India.We were three sisters and I was the youngest of them.From childhood I used to wear only pant-shirts & jeans.Had short hair since birth I remember I never had long hair till my lifespan.I lived a life like a boy.Never felt like girl from inside biologically I was growing like girls but that change never changed my feeling like boys.I used to play Cricket ,Football ,Volleyball with boys only.But everything was not easy for me as in India other peoples interfere more in your life then your own family.My case was also not different my neighbors always came to my mother and father and give them suggestions don't let her wear this dresses like boys.She will get spoiled after all she is a girl.how will she manage to live like this whole life?No one will ever marry her if she will not change soon.You all will have to suffer just because of her.Some ladies who were my mother’s friend even told mom to burn all the dresses which she wears like boy.Make her wear skirt top salwar suit then she will change soon.
Even though my mother was from medical background and knows many thing about surgery but as typical Indian mentality she did what everybody said.One day when I came back home, after playing cricket she was very angry at me.She said "You always come home late, after all you are a girl not boy, just wearing these dresses doesn't mean that nothing is going to happen to you.You are getting out of control because of this dress ,so today I will finish this all then only you will come to right path.You must obey whatever we will say ."
After saying my mother brought a big scissor from inside and came towards me and holding the shirt which I was wearing ( That shirt was one of my favorite shirt Navy blue color velvet Full sleeves shirt) cutting it with scissor from bottom to top.I cried a lot that day I was very upset from that incident.she even took away all my dresses leaving only frocks,skirt top etc.This incident I can never forget in my life as I was not a person who I am because of only dresses,it's all inside, feeling of my own self. I never considered myself as girl not then not now not ever. Even after these restrictions my heart and my soul never changed.
I always wanted to be a real boy from childhood cried a lot prayed a lot and was even angry for being born like this.It was not at all easy to get up every morning and accept that I am not a boy. I never looked at myself in mirror without clothes it was a real torcher for me.It is hard to be in that place nobody can understand what I was going through. But I fought through all situations,lived my life on my own terms. People bullied, teased even gave names to me which I can't even write here but it was definitely not good names.
Years passed many girls came in my life, I thought that love can make me more strong but everyone left me within one to two years, nothing remained same whenever anyone left me.I felt more depressed thinking maybe I am not worthy as I am not a boy and every girl needs a man in her life not like me. As i was never been a lesbian I always had relationships like boys only and so girls whom I loved were also not lesbian too.So I think it was right from there side because they needed boys for marriage not me. I was left by many but I will not blame them because they loved me a lot when they were with me and I agree sometime I was also not really good to them.I was the reason why they left me.Till now they are my good friends and I don't feel angry about anything now.Those experiences made me learn more, made me believe in myself more.
All this made me more strong more powerful. I was now another person and I never worried about people who used to give me suggestions regarding you are girl, you have to marry a boy.So you must live like girl talk like girls. Even some people were so extrovert they directly asked me if you are going to marry a girl how are you going to satisfy her.Its not natural so why would a girl marry you.You are living a lie so just change and be like other girls you are ruining your life think about your parents they are suffering because of you.They are ashamed of you.
This all things were so repetitive that I became more confident that I am right,because I was living on my terms and people were jealous to see me happy.Even in BE college I used to wear jeans and shirt.After that in every job my dress was same and for that Thanks to all my Employer's and bosses who supported me.
Every person teaches you something that's what I always believe, so whoever came to me with their negative or positive comments I was more able to decide in terms of my life and future.Sometimes heartbreaks are necessary in your life to achieve a major positive change.I am the best example of that , a heartbreak changed me and gave me courage to focus on my dream.Otherwise I was just a person who used to fulfill everyone else's dream and happiness.
In the year 2017 a Mam joined our organisation after transfer she is very senior then us and we together went to learn Reiki for few weeks.Took our degree through Reiki , my life changed to positive due to it . One day we were sitting in our college discussing about future mam asked me " what have you thought about your future?" I said "Nothing".Then she said "then you must think whether you want to live like this or you have to live according to others?.Then my other friend and colleague Mam said " Mam ,She has a dream from childhood of becoming a boy.But she never take any step for that." Then that senior mam said to me "Sri you are doing wrong if you already have a goal then work towards it why are you wasting your time? Already this many years have passed and you are never going to accept the other way I think .Then work towards achieving your main goal act soon now. At least you must try after that whatever happens lets see." Those words of mam made me realize that I am wasting my time in useless things and not thinking about myself. I acted soon after that started searching.
Now you all may be thinking what I was searching? From above description you must have now understood that I always wanted to be a boy/a man,So obviously my dream was to be a boy.Yes ,I was searching for sex change surgery and Doctors who will do this. You all will not believe that positive words and positive thoughts were so effective I found a Dr and that too was a surprise that his clinic was just near to my home.There is a saying in hindi "Jise dhundha gali gali wo mere ghar ke pichwade mili" Same happened with me.I was happy and at the next moment I called Dr and fixed the appointment for evening the same day.
I came home I was little nervous, confused whether its going to happen or not because I had not heard about any operation in Indore till now. With all this in my mind I went to Dr. He asked me many things so that he must confirm I am ready for this and not going to step back from my decision. After hearing all my reasons and story he said " you are really stuck in a wrong body but it’s not too late now also its possible but before that you have to meet a psychiatrist he will give the permission to perform this surgery only then we can have.I finally met psychiatrist and on 10th June '17 my surgery date was fixed. This were all going positive to me so I was not at all worried about surgery was more than prepared for this situation I imagine. How I was so strong I also don't know may be because i was going through all the pain all this past years that my surgery pain was nothing in front of that.
On 9th June I told my mother at night that tomorrow is my surgery, but as expected she was again very angry with me she started to yell at me saying all the bad things which any outsider would have said.She was from a medical background and knew much about surgery so she was too afraid to see me like that. She tried to force me to change my decision by yelling saying bad words.I know as a mother she never wanted her child to go through any pain and that's the reason she did what she could at that night. But I didn't understood at that time I was angry I said to her I am already 36 years and just because of your "No" my all these years got wasted. But now its my final decision and I am not asking for any permission to you I am just informing you that tomorrow is my surgery. After saying these I went Inside and shut my door.
Next day in morning my elder sister she was ready to come with me for surgery and suddenly my mom came inside when I was getting ready and said "May I also come with you? I smiled and said " it’s your wish, come." My surgery began at 9 am It took more than 2 hrs as it became major surgery instead of minor. My mom was outside my friend and colleagues were also standing outside with mom they were with my mother. She was worried now as it took much time. But I came to ward perfectly fine. My mother stayed with me at that night, after 5 pm I was back from unconsciousness.
This day was a major breakthrough for me it was a first step towards my dream. My most memorable moment of my life .I was more than happy and feeling complete from inside. I was feeling no pain of surgery at all that was because of the happiness which I felt from inside.
Something beautiful also happened that night when I was watching TV and my mom was lying in sofa next to my bed in ward ,suddenly my mom said to me " Maan gayi tujhe tu bahut strong hai (Now I can believe that you are very strong really)" I said "Why?" She said "Look at you who is going to say that you had major surgery this morning you are so calm and well ,No pain and no worry in your face.I think your decision was good you really needed this.I am now happy now I will not stop you for anything I know you can do anything."
These were the most beautiful lines from my mother that day I was happy more than happy that at least I was able to change that negative thoughts from her.I was now happy that at least my family is there with me in this struggle of my life.
So ,10 th june 2017 a major change in my physical personal and family life.
" I believe when you take a step with full trust towards any process it will definitely happen.Universe will show you the right path but for that you have take one step forward without any doubt in mind."
Thank you For reading my story.I wish all of yours dream should fulfill like mine.