WHEN MY FATHER DIED !

It was a beautiful Shivratri morning, and, like every other day, I had fasted. But that year, I was extremely happy because everything was going well for us for the first time. Since the crowd was huge in every temple, making it impossible to even set foot, my sister and I decided to visit our father's residence, about 1:30 hours away. We thought this would be a great opportunity to meet him as well.

Upon arrival, we went to the temple, prayed, and then returned to Papa's room. To our surprise, we found him heating milk, cutting fruits, and keeping a jug of clean water ready. This was unusual, as he rarely cooked for himself due to his exhausting work schedule, often opting for hotel food instead.

We sat down, and he handed us a plate of fruits and a glass of milk. We chatted extensively, and before we knew it, evening was approaching. As we prepared to leave, saying, "Papa, we'll come back during the next college vacation," his expression turned melancholic. "You should have stayed at least for today," he said, tugging at our heartstrings. Although we didn't feel like leaving, impending exams forced us to depart. With a heavy heart, he bid us farewell.

Before leaving he took me to a clothes shop and bought me the most expensive suit because my birthday was in the next two days and his schedule was a little busy those days. Days passed and we all got together as a family on a holiday. He decided that we will go on a trip, and as per our plan we visited many places, one of which was a waterfall. I remember when I was standing on that rock and getting my picture clicked, my father saw me.His eyes filled with tears. As soon as I came down, he hugged me tightly and said that when you leave, you will have to wonder how we will live at home without you! I did not know then that this was the last time my father was hugging me. The holidays ended and we were separated again and everyone got busy with their work. One day, a call came from the owner of the hospital where my father was a doctor. He told me that my father's health had deteriorated. I went to him and stayed there for a few days. When my father's health improved, I came back to my rented house. Everything was fine and everything was going well when once again the owner called and it was found that my father's condition had worsened. Then several tests were done, blood test, BP this and that, everything was fine, everything was normal. We breathed a sigh of relief. Then the next day the ultrasound reports came and we were all shocked and worried because there was cancer in the report. We got the tests done in that case we know that he had only 6 months of life. We didn't told our father about this, told him that his disease can be cured but he has to take some precautions for it and he agreed to our advice. 3 months passed by as he was a doctor himself and he knew what was going on inside him. He also knew that we were hiding something from him. He consulted a fellow doctor and found out that he had only 3 months left. He used to tell all his siblings to take care of his children in his absence. It was a matter of 3 months and only 3 days had passed. Like every day, he woke me up that morning and asked me didn't want to go to college. He dropped me to the auto for college and went back to his duty. I was in college when I got a call that my father's health had deteriorated and we were taking him home. I rushed from college to my room, put two clothes from home in my bag and got ready. Then the car arrived outside our room in which Papa was sleeping. I felt him on the way and everything was fine. Heart beat, breath, pulse rate, everything, even his body was warm. I took a sigh of relief and said everything is fine. We reached our city and saw that Papa's body had become cold, there was no movement in the body. We panicked and

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brought him to the hospital, the doctor saw him and went inside and my uncle followed him. I was sitting with Papa's head in my lap, I thought that now people would come and treat him, then I saw my uncle coming out crying with a slip in his hand. I felt restless, I ran to him and saw the slip in which was written CAUSE OF DEATH SILENT HEART ATTACK. I panicked and looked at the name of the patient thinking that it could be of some other patient but sadly the name in it was my Papa's. Seeing this, it felt as if my world was destroyed.

I don't even talk softly in public places, but that day I screamed and cried so much that maybe once Papa would wake up and say hey I am fine, but that didn't happen. They brought Papa home and people spread a sheet on the floor, I screamed and ran towards it so that I could remove that sheet because even then my heart was not believing that Papa had left everyone, I was assuming that he would get up and go to his bed and sleep. But no, nothing like that happened, he was brought hanging and made to lie down in that sheet. People were also covering his face with the sheet, I was trying to remove it, trying to stop it, when suddenly my hand went to his heart, which was not beating peacefully. I lost my senses after that, I became unconscious and stuck there like a stone. I was brought and given incense sticks and was asked to light them around him, to tell the truth, that day I was not burning incense sticks, but my heart felt like I was burning my own hands. As the night passed and it became morning, he was bathed, dressed in new clothes and laid on the bier. People were crying everywhere, screams were echoing everywhere. The person who never ignored anyone's words, was not listening to anyone today. The bier was lifted, that day I gave my shoulder not to Papa's bier but to the bier of my happiness because they were walk with him. Now I feel that if only I could have given him some time away from other things, he was stopping me, I wish I had stopped. I am dying with this guilt inside, Papa's face, those words, that voice, that smile never leaves my mind. Sometimes I think was it necessary for this to happen? And in this way, pain easily grips me.

After Papa's death, how much pain I felt, how many times I had anxiety attacks, nobody in my family knows this except me. Every scene from that slip to giving shoulder to him comes in front of my eyes again and again, I don't know how many times pain and sorrow are stabbing my heart. Although everyone is fighting, trying to cope with their situations. 

"I have so many things going on inside me that I don't even know where to start. The thing that bothers me the most is who to share all this with. And in the end, the only voice that comes from within is that this is your pain and you have to get out of it yourself. I try every day, but now I'm not able to do it.

Everyone knows that my father left us, and somehow, they all understand my pain. But what about the trauma I faced before that incident, my horrible childhood? I've been bearing all that pain because I knew my father was with me, but now he's not even here. Now, I don't   even feel hungry or thirsty .

And now when I am trying to express My  feelings through writing, it is 2:50 in the night where my sleep has taken its hold from me. I smile, I laugh, my reality is that I have become hollow, there is nothing left inside me, it seems as if everything is over now. I don't want a long life now, I just want a life in which I can fulfill every dream of my father, give some happiness to my mother and I just want to live till my younger siblings stand on their own feet. I may look selfish but it's okay! It is said that the one who takes care of everyone has no one to take care of him/her and probably they say this about me .