When Divorce Hurts Children

I know that many people can relate to this topic, both men and women. I have heard so many stories over the years from both sides and clearly, the only losers here are the children.

I was one of the rare ones that my parents put aside their differences (even though my dad cheated many times on my mom) to put me first. I honestly do not know many people that can or have done that. I wanted to be like them when I got divorced but my ex wasn't having any of that. Hate and bitterness overwhelmed him as I initiated the divorce and I guess he never thought I would have the courage to leave.

I have also known many men, good men whose exes wouldn't let them see the kids, who put them through a ringer to see them. Who were mean and vivicted towards their exes just because they were hurt. In today's day and age if you actually have a man that's willing to stick around and do the right thing, please step out of his way and let him. 

Why? Why do people use kids as pawns? Just to get back at the other person? I was telling my girlfriends last night that I would let my girls go to their dads on Thanksgiving so they didn't have to choose or split their time. 

I would go to a friend's house on Thanksgiving and then I would cook Thanksgiving on Friday. I did that for years. What's the big deal? It made the girls happy, they didn't have to choose or feel bad, that is all that matters to me, not the day.

A friend of mine who lives out of state, her daughter actually had to put it in her divorce decree that the week her mom comes to visit her ex will give her her son that week. Wtf? Now you're involving the grandparents who unconditionally love this child? For me, I drew the line there when my ex wasn't talking to his brother or his dad or anyone else in the family I said that is your issue, not my girls. They are going to have a relationship with their family even if you can't seem to. I wanted them to know their grandparents, what happened years ago, what hurt he had that had nothing to do with my children.

I looked at the whole picture. He was a good grandfather, he may have been a lousy husband or father but he was always a great grandfather and that's what counted. I was not going to put the sins of the past on them. Recently my girls told me that their grandfather still talks about me and how he is grateful for me that I allowed him to have a relationship with them because he knew if it was up to his son, he wouldn't have. I was so touched by that and I am grateful he is in my girl's life.

My girls are grown now but our marriage and divorce scared them both. They are both in counseling for it to this day. We did that to them, this is what parents can do to their children, and why for the sake of getting back at one another? I know in the beginning you are hurt and angry but you need to put your children's needs first. You need to be the bigger person, you need to be their advocate and say this is not right and I will not play these games at my children's expense.

We alone are screwing up so many children with our issues and our problems. We may not want to be nice to our exes but we need to put aside our feelings to do what is right for these children. They did not ask to be brought into this world and they sure as hell didn't ask to be dragged into the middle of your mess. 

So today my friends, I'm begging you, please stop and think about what you're doing to your children. Please put aside your differences, your hurts, and your anger and put your children first. Don't ever stop being the bigger person, because your children are watching you. Your children are learning from you, and your children are stuck in the middle with nowhere for them to go without hurting someone, please don't make them choose. Be a better person, for your children's sake, because divorce hurts the children.