Uglies

I don’t think people talk enough about the uglies of your life. I mean that one period of life when you screw up everything, fail, fail, fail. And the thing is, it’s not fixed

when you go through those years. You could have them at twenty, or sixty, depending on your circumstances. And it may be a stable age, or like the arrival of a comet.

Well, I want to rant about the way I’m healing and teetering on the edge of wellness. I have an exam tomorrow and I’m writing because otherwise, I can’t breathe. I had four days to prepare, but of course, I was on my phone. 

But it was wonderful though. For the first three exams, I put on my phone and studied. I studied like I had forgotten to in a lot of years. Of course, the exams were abysmal, but I felt like I had power within myself. Like I was finally piecing together the mirror I had broken a long time ago, the mirror which would finally show me who I am.

I have come to this place, and I have learned a lot, simply by failing. I see now that being a persistent failure was perhaps the most instrumental part of my life, because only through trial and error have I ever flourished.

I didn’t know that when I was eighteen. 

It feels like a huge shadow has been lifted from my shoulders. Although I still waver due to the weight, I feel like I have started to persist on and on. I want to see where my trembling legs take me to. I want to see how much load, my weak, inefficient hands can handle.

Of course, I feel the passage of people and time rather too keenly, but I try to carry on. Letting go doesn’t feel easy, you have to ease yourself into it. 

I feel all right. Like I can go on. Maybe the exam will be horrible tomorrow as well, but I guess, I’ll learn to do it better every day.