TOO AFRAID TO LOVE

Confession of a person, who was too afraid to love...

From holding you in my arms to now holding your arm to stop you and asking you to put down that razor, "It's gonna hurt you, please!".

From telling you bed time stories to now hearing every single story I skipped in the past three years and you falling asleep next to me. 

From asking you to not being up online late to now staying online all night just to answer your text. 

From telling you, "You're stupid" at daytime to now sitting next to you swirling my fingers past your hair silently apologizing for every single moment I said that. 

From getting annoyed from your hugs to now showering hundreds of hugs and kisses every moment I could.  

From leaving a place called home to searching it everywhere in person, in groups and finally discovering it in you.

From hiding the scars under my sleeves to now resonating with yours. 

From attending Behavioral therapies and sessions to now taking you to confront the same, I never thought I would be leaving my monsters behind, when I left and I knew it all started soon after that, me being one reason though. 

From always fighting to now confessing how much I love you, it's tragic how this inability to say things to you in person had cost me my world.

I always wanted to say...how much I love you.

I wanted to say, I noticed when you changed your Instagram handle and Facebook profile name to the one I love you calling with but you always hated it. Isn't it.!?

I wanted to say I saw you kept the spare key in my bag when I lost mine and was terrified to confront mom and dad. 

I noticed how you always waited next to the line in the hospital just to see if I was fine standing in the queue for 2 hrs. Trust me these 2hrs were never that long for me. 

I wanted to say...

You calling me your best friend is the best thing I ever heard and those are the purest emotions I ever witnessed, no matter how much I hate you for stealing my earphones. But the fact is I love you, NATTU. 

Ohh I just forgot to tell you, that what I call my younger brother, NATTU.