The Secret Love - The Heartbreak

As I said "until she expresses her feelings to me I will never expel my feelings". 

That day was a day of sadness but I managed to sleep. I was thinking about that for an hour but I thought I am not going to expel my feelings so why am I thinking for it and so I thought and forced my mind just forget about it, at last I felt asleep. The next day I thought will she say that for which I am waiting but with the end of the day my feelings just broke out and I felt angry more than sad and from that day I just diverted my mind from it and within a week I was as normal as I was before. I played with joy with my sister at my home and a month passed out, still no reply but we talked like just friends.

One day as we were talking like we normally did, I got an idea to get what I felt to her and so I did execute my idea. But it didn't work as I had thought and this broke out my bunch of feelings. I thought she would get to know what I thought after she saw the thing I had sent but I don't work and in place of that she thought it's about someone else and this started a consultancy chat between we both. She said you will have to say what you feel to 'someone else' someday but I knew I can't. After a long messaging, I thought to move on but she said to thought about telling what I feel again at night. I said yes and I went to sleep but I was not able to sleep because I was really thinking about saying what I felt, I can't sleep for an hour because this time I was continuously thinking about the talk between us. I thought about the advices she gave to me and tried to find the reason behind those and after a lot of thinking I realized that her messages said the things which I was waiting for but I was not confident if whatever I was thinking was real but I thought that my idea was so good that anyone would get to know what I felt and this made me confident enough to say ' I love you ' the next day and I made my decision final that I will send the message the next day. I was happy and I was finally asleep.

The next day came, July 14 and this day was like a battle day for me, and this time I was not going to unsend the message. I made my decision final 

I opened the Instagram chat and I typed ' I thought about your advices at night' and she asked me so what did you decided, I typed in " I decided I love you " but before pressing the send button my hands were shaking and my heart was beating like the speaker who's volume was 100% and was playing a loud song but I finally pressed the send button. My heartbeats were becoming more fast and I just opened a game in the phone and started playing so that my mind is diverted and after two-three minutes her reply came and on seeing that I can't believe my eyes. She had written ' Good that you have decide to say that now just say that to the girl you love ' and my heart broke in pieces but I thought again and I thought now it's my time I have to do that, the thing which I had decided and this time my heart was bursting and my hands were shaking as if a mini earthquake was in me and I typed in ' What if I say. I love you ' and I just pressed the send button and just waited for the reply and when the reply came my face fell red, no not because I was blushing no because I was angry and why angry because she said ' hey is this a prank ' and I was becoming angry and angry but I said to myself "be calm" and typed in "no it's not a prank" and I send it. I was waiting for the reply and after a moment I got the reply and finally it was a positive one and I felt so happy that I can't control my happiness and I was so excited too because I was first time in a relationship and I was too happy but all I was in a middle of a pandemic situation so I can't meet her but I was happy. 

As I was first time in a relationship, I was a little nervous as I didn't knew what to do and what not to do but I just waited for one thing her message I opened the chat every hour and checked if she had messaged something and closed it by losing all my hope and I did this til her message came, finally I rapidly opened the chat and read the message but here my happiness changed into sadness, because she had sent me the message that she was very much confused between her past relationships, as I told she has 6 boyfriends before me and she said she didn't thought much about me and just said yes so she wanted to break the relationship but she said we are still friends as we had promised each other that this won't affect our friendship. My brain got empty and I was becoming sad and sad but I typed 'it's ok, it happens' but in reality I was not ok, all the sad songs which I had listened started to play in my mind all the sad dialogues and all things like that came in my mind and l was going to cry but I controlled, seeing my face my mom asked me, "What happened" so I said "nothing just a bit of confusion changed my mind". I knew my mom didn't understood what I wanted to say but I was not on the moment of talking to someone, because all I thought was that message and only and only that message, I went to my room took out my blanket and just wrapped it over and just went to sleep but I wasn't able to sleep because my mind continuously said the things which were in the message and it was playing sad songs and all that so I thought to just divert my mind and I wasn't good at doing that but I tried if I cannot divert my mind I can just stop it to play all those songs and that message. I just started to hate myself, why I didn't knew that but I was becoming sad and sad but I went out in the hall and here I thought why is god doing this to me because there my mom was watching a show and there also it was a breakup scene and I was just going to cry but i controlled and controlled and after an hour I was back to normal but a sentence was roaming in my mind and that was "Never love someone more than yourself, because when it will break, you won't be able to bare the pain" and this sentence was roaming in my mind till the next two days and that day I decided never to love someone more than myself and in my love section in my mind there were just four names- 'my mom, my sister, my father and my grandmother'. There wasn't my name because that day 14th July I didn't knew why but I just started to hate myself.

 

14th JULY was the battle day on which I just won my battle but with the end of the day the victory just changed into a defeat.