The Remnant

Karun entered the room in his rented apartment avoiding almost all discussions with his roommate Asif and sat on his bed with his head down looking at the floor. There was a trail of little black insects crossing across his feet. With a blank mind he was looking at the little creatures walking in a straight line as if obeying a mandate from the onlooker. As the trail reached near his bag lying on the floor a new one joined at the end. Karun laughed in his head "There I join the mighty army again." He picked up his phone and called Ishita but he knew she would not take his call.

Ishita was a bit upset with Karun's stubborn and irrational stand. They were in a relationship for last five years now but things never changed any further after a few initial months. It was a usual scene when they met once in a few months. Ishita was in town for three days for a training sponsored by her office. Obviously, Karun had ditched his flat mates and shifted in the company sponsored hotel with Ishita. She was going back to Mumbai on Saturday by an evening flight. Karun broke the news Saturday afternoon that he was going up in the North to the hills on Sunday morning. Ishita instantly reacted as it was too late for her to change her flights if she wished to. She was upset for another reason, Mr. Karun was going all alone to the hills on a motorbike and had planned to come back same evening from 300 kilometres away. "You have lost it Karun, who makes such plans. And what I don't understand is that you want to travel 600 kilometres into the hills only for a day." She was almost screaming with anger. Strangely Karun sat there as calm as a river. This made her even more furious. "Let me call Asif! I am sure he would be lazing around, he will go with you." Karun jumped off his chair listening to her plan of action. Certainly he failed to convince her otherwise but maybe his wish was way too powerful, Asif (his flatmate) didn't pick up the phone. Karun went on his frenzy road trip and came back in the night.

Generally Asif was indifferent to his madness but this time he was a bit upset as well. He asked Karun "So, happy now!? Though I am sure you would have not enjoyed much all alone, unless you had some secret friend there." Karun picked up a cigarette from Asif's pack before going to his room without uttering a word.

Karun had taken a leave last month from his bank to go back home in Mumbai. That week was eventful as he had met Ishita's parents and they had finalised a marriage hall for a date exactly 13 months from then. Ishita was almost an year older than him. She was well settled in her job as a tax laywer. Karun was doing good as well when he decided to quit his job for a management course. Two months back he had rejoined in the same bank but in Delhi now. He had an offer to join in Mumbai as well. His own city Mumbai, where he had seen the best days of his life as a pampered child. The city where he had his parents, but somehow Delhi was elevated over Mumbai this time. It was probably his new friend circle or a different life style. For some reason he was unsure of a lot of things as usual. But this time the stakes were higher than ever like getting married and shifting back to Mumbai, but it just kept happening. He was with Ishita for many years now and after every fight he would make an effort to make things good. But very soon the emotions fuelled by the ego would come back. At times, he thought of making an account of the money she had borrowed from him and ask her to return and end what was not there. But then things would start falling in place with the flow of the river. "Most of the girls have there unreasonable expectation. If not this it would be about something else. There is no one perfect just like I am not, my brother is not and my parents are not. May be I am just in a bad mood. And my brother, he does not like Ishita, so he pollutes my mind also. Let me call her and try to understand her viewpoint." He would always think the same and pick up the phone to call her followed by a melodrama which would die down till the next fight. He knew for sure he did not hate her or his sibling or even his parents, but he was not sure if he loves all of them or even himself. He had always been able to get things his way back at home but it had changed since he had completed his post graduation. There were unsaid expectations surrounding him now. He could shout back and get some of them replaced by other smaller expectations usually with his parents and brother, but things were different with Ishita and her family now. Somehow she would always get the best out of him and he had started to dislike it obviously without an escape route since it was his own creation. But his new friends were out of this circle of confusions. Probably because they did not have any expectations or advice for him.

Asif, Karun, Prerna and Rati were the core group within the most popular group of seven friends in the college. Rati had moved to a different city already for her job while Prerna was getting married in Delhi. Asif was a master salesman so he was looking for the best buyer all this while. It was tough but he got the buyer he wanted and now he was joining as a regional manager with a prestigious start-up company. His region covered China and Middle East including India, so he was going to travel a lot. Now he could afford to stay at his home in Delhi when he was not travelling. He liked his family, well most of it except his father and younger brother. He was never sure of the reasons why he did not like being with them, but he was fine with occasional meetings over weekends or family functions. Now that he could afford to stay out most of the time and staying at home could save him some rent money, he chose to shift back home next month. Asif was unsure if Karun did not want a new flatmate or he was too lazy to find one. He had tried to talk about it. But it was almost impossible to get Karun talking on a topic, if he had decided otherwise.

Karun was supposed to be happy after completing his truce against Ishita's wishes, it was supposed to be a new and different way of reaction to the usual fights. But he woke up early in the morning with an even sad rather terrified face as if he had failed an important exam. He picked up his diary where he would record all his scary dreams. Instead of writing he started drawing a snake as his mind was trying to find the right words. "I was lying on the bed upside down and waiting for her to come inside the room. She came and started massaging my back. I couldn't see her since the lights were switched off. Just a ray of light entered the room from under the door and re-created the entire scene in shadows. She was just over me with her hair covering her face like a hooded snake. Moments later I started feeling choked and wanted to see what she was doing. I tried harder and the door opened a little more. I looked up with difficulty while she was sitting on my back just to find that her face looked exactly like me. I was confused and horrified and I looked towards the door, she was sitting there holding the door with an innocent smile on her face."

Putting the diary back, he gathered himself and slid into the blanket for a quick nap. About an hour later, he got up to get ready for office and face Asif. Though he was sure Asif will not ask anything about yesterday anymore but his guilt was alive to an extent. Asif was sitting on the dining table ready for office. They greeted each other with a mischievous smile, knowing exactly what was going in each others mind. "So you are coming back home tonight after office, right?" Asif said sarcastically and both started laughing. They were having breakfast when Karun's phone rang, it was Amit, his maternal cousin, from a small town near Delhi. Instead of saying a hello, Karun directly jumped to say "Amit, I will call you back, I told you on Saturday as well" and dropped the call. It was a strange behavior but both the gentlemen on the table kept quite and left for office after breakfast.

Amit had got a basic job with one of the back office calling company in Delhi. The salary was not too great but he wanted to join it to save a little. He was thinking to make a humble start and try to help his mother after his father passed away leaving behind a lot of family debt. Amit was only 22 but looked a few years older, almost the same age as Karun. He just wanted to ask Karun if he could share his room for few months while he finds a cheap accommodation for himself. He had high hopes from Karun. Few years back, Karun had helped his mother get a loan from his bank to start her small merchandise shop in the town. God knows what was going in Karun's head this time, he was not able to make up his mind this time. Amit was to join his first job from next month so he was a bit worried, so was Karun to share his personal space. Amit was considering himself lucky to get this job with his average academic record from a government school and a correspondence graduation course in English language. He did not want to leave his tuition students but this job could give him much more opportunity and savings.

Karun called him on the way back from office in the evening. After a busy day and regained contact with Ishita, he was much relaxed now. "Do not worry Amit, I understand your concerns. Why don't you come next weekend to Delhi and we can fix up a place for you to stay." He said in a confident brotherly voice. Amit was a bit in shock for a few moments but very quickly he realised that Karun was trying to help him only. The rent of Karun's apartment was maybe on a higher side for him even if he shared it with him. They met over the next weekend and Karun made all the arrangements for his younger brother. The day was full of extensive home search and lots of advise on how to survive the corporate life and its pressures. Amit went back the next day morning with loads of confidence and a hope for himself.

Asif had already left for a 15 days trip before moving out of the apartment. While Karun was alone in the apartment now, his engagements with himself had increased so was his contemplation of the self. He would sit for hours to think about his life in Mumbai and the last one year in Delhi. He wanted guidance for future decisions from the comparison of his own situations. This was the first time in his life that he was making a conscious comparison of himself. His interactions with other human beings, specially with the people in office was limited to most necessary. Fights with Ishita on the topic to move to Mumbai had increased more than ever. Karun had understood the direction of this river in which he was trying to float as per his convenience till now. Life always flows in a single direction for everyone and there are not many different oceans down the lane. What he was missing was that there can be many different paths to reach the same ocean and he had all the power to choose the path for himself. He kept thinking of himself to be too weak to pick up a few heavy stones and create new paths. The truth was that he was not sure what he wanted from life in the first place to make an effort to lift the stones. He never hated his parents though he didn't want to return home. The guilt of not being able to love them back was a constant pressure on his heart. In some weak moments, he had created false stories in his head. Some of those stories were made to look tough and some to look victimised by life. Nevertheless those stories had got him a lot of attention lately in his new friend circle, so the stories kept intensifying. Today, sitting alone in the room he was trying to find the villain in those stories. How could he have succeeded in his attempt when he knew most of them were just stories. He did not want to get married as well but did not have a good logic for or against it. He would always think of starting this topic but it never surfaced, they always had a lot of other things to fight about. He knew his decision of not moving back to Mumbai was amendable but it had rooted deeply in his ego which was anyway hurt badly from their compromising relationship now. Suddenly, Amit's face surfaced in the castle in thoughts and he realized the real scale of his concerns from life. But before such thoughts could overpower he returned to his comfort zone. "Why should I compare myself to anyone. I had a different life." He said to himself and picked up a cigarette from Asif's room.

Amit had joined his job 10 days back and wanted to talk to Karun. His seniors were not giving him positive feedback despite his best efforts. He was missing something important and wanted a sound advice from his elder brother. He had planned to see him on Sunday over the coming weekend. Actually it was not only about the office, but he also wanted to escape his dingy and smelly room for a day. Asif was coming back on Friday, the same week, and moving out on Saturday. Karun had managed to plan a surprise farewell for Asif. He had convinced the rest of the five friends from college to catch-up on Friday. It was indeed a great surprise for Asif and a delight for the rest of the group. It was a wild party of seven youthful people who had entered a new phase of life. About by mid-night all of them had felt the sound of rattling sand. They knew this evening was special and was going to be rare. Asif broke the news of his engagement with his latest poem written for his fiance. Rati took this opportunity to invite all of them personally to her wedding in 20 days. Karun's reply was an odd one here "I will not come for your wedding Rati, I am obliged to attend something else!". Everyone was a bit upset but the topic died down with the jokes and teases which filled the air in that room. Early morning next day everyone was gone and Karun was all alone in the room. He called up Ishita as his usual routine and started telling her about the party and everyone. She asked "Oh that's wonderful, did you tell them about our wedding date as well?". This question made him uneasy as he knew the next topic and the topic came followed by the fight as usual.

It was around 8 in the evening, Amit was lying on his bed waiting for the water to start flowing in the bucket. Sleep caught his tired nerves and took him directly to the dreamworld. He was standing in a big hall of a palace with a chandelier right over his head. It was the most beautiful chandelier he had seen in his life. The light passed through the crystals to make patterns resembling rainbows. Suddenly the roof started to come down and he wanted to run away towards the door. He found himself helpless in front of the chandeliers charm. He could see the door and someone shouting from there "Run for your life, this place is a mirage". The voice from the distance resembled Karun's. As soon as he wanted to move the chandelier snapped and he was crushed under it. He woke up with the sound of water gushing in the bucket. He ran to change the bucket before the water finished again. While making food for himself he was thinking "How strange is this? I did my schooling from a government school and graduation from a private university. Karun did his schooling in an expensive private school and his graduation in a premium government institution. We both got so much different from life after that." But he was happy that Karun was there to help him in the city and was excited to spend his day with him tomorrow. While the eggs were boiling along with his thoughts, his phone rang ... It was Karun. "You have a long life Karun bhaiya, I was thinking about you only." He said in a happy voice. The voice on the other side was deep and thoughtful "We will see that! Did it get any better with your boss or are you still tensed?" Before Amit could say anything Karun again said "See he is just your boss not your girlfriend, do not be scared to talk it out with him. On Monday join him for a coffee and tell him upfront that you are not happy with his feedback till now and ask for his help only on how to improve." "Yes brother, that makes sense" Amit said in a confused voice. "I just called to say this, now I'll try to sleep, I need to get up early tomorrow for some work before you come here." Karun kept the phone. Amit was reminded of his dream and it was a very uneasy feeling. He thought of calling Karun's parents but then he thought maybe he was overreacting.

But he was not overreacting and should have taken some steps had he known Karun's past as well as his parents and his real brother did. Today Karun was standing on a chair once again but he was much more smarter this time. After disconnecting the call he dropped a message to Ishita. He waited for the answer from other side which he already knew. He opened the video on his phone which he had seen multiple times since he returned from the hills. His parents and his brother were not on his messaging list so he continued the next tasks as per the video. His brother had called him in the hills and he had picked up the call. This time he did not want to feel weak again so without thinking of anything else, he closed his eyes and snapped the chair. For a quick moment he saw his happy parents and brother sitting in his room and himself as an infant crawling on the floor. As the chair moved under his feet, it took less than a second for his neck to snap. He had studied his thesis perfectly this time.

Around 9 in the morning Amit's phone rang, it was Asif on the other side. "Are you Amit? Karun's cousin brother? Can you please come here quickly?" He tried to ask what happened, but Asif kept pressing the need and urged him to come as quickly as possible. When he reached Karun's place, Asif and his other friends were standing outside with a few more people from their college and Karun's office. A police van was standing there and everyone's face showed some degree of shock. Amit's heart was beating heavily and he feared the worst. Asif hugged him and said "This crazy guy hung himself from the fan." Karun's parents were flying in from Mumbai and his brother from Dubai. Ishita's phone was unreachable and police was asking questions from people standing there. Amit regained his consciousness and said "He had called me last night, I could have saved him." "You could not have probably." A calm and saddened voice said. It was Karun's father! He had held his wife's hand tightly and none of them were crying. Their eyes were as sad, lonely and dry as a desert as if the tears had left them along with the last hope of Karun's homecoming. "Can you please collect his degrees and send them to Dubai when possible, I will send you the address" He said it Amit while hugging him and the they moved firmly ahead to talk to the police.