The Letter

Chapter 1

The moon started to look up, leaving the mountaintops behind, moving slowly up to its zenith. I was staring at her gleaming orb right here in the window. I just thought of becoming a moon- wherein everyone has her attention. The moon whose brightness is a source of light for some. The moon who has a tranquil beauty which everyone loves. The moon, when you stare at it, is a solace for any sort of fears and doubts. 

'Is everything fine?' my husband asked me, caressing my hair by his hands. 

Ignoring his presence, I just made a curt nod. My pupils were still fixed on the moon, scrutinizing the beauty within her. 

If I were a moon, I would travel from hither to thither. I would cross the other horizon freely. I would traverse the breadth of earth from air surface to land. I would soar cloud-high. 

I was in the middle of my imagination, as always this was happened to me. 

My husband took a deep breath. 

"Just call me if you need something. I will keep the door in the next room slightly ajar". Said he. He then bid good-bye and kissed me on the forehead. 

I still stood rooted to the spot my feet were placed earlier, leaning my arms on the window-seat, letting the wild wind tousled my hair and slapped me back and forth. 

I heard my husband closed the door as gentle as he could. Nah, we didn't have misunderstandings nor recent fights. We neither had an arguments lately. But the case was, I never heard myself talking to him for a year. I couldn't, as much as I tried myself. Not because I don't want to but I don't have reasons, anyway. 

The moment I woke up from coma, I lived with him in this black, desolute, and isolated island. I didn't know my name nor the place where I came from, only that I got married to John Buenavista, 5 years ago. John is 10 years older than me. He took good care of me from the moment I laid on bed and heretofore. 

But, John has something in the eye I couldn't describe. If he was telling a lie or keeping a secret-that I didn't know. The moment I opened my eyes, I couldn't remember any glimpse of yesterday- only John and the other person I knew for so long. I tried to remember my past but it always led to a pounding headache. I ended by a long, loud belch. 

He was looking at me earnestly-I couldn't tell if he pitied on me. 

"Where am I?" I said with a tear streaming on my eyes. 

"John, why am I here? Did something happen in me?"

Instead of answering me, he just stared at me for a few minutes, letting me to cry. 

That was our first contact and I never got the chance to talk to him, anymore. 

Chapter 2

 I was on the bed one breezy night. The clock on the wall chimed half past 10. If you would ask me if I were with John. No we have separated beds and separated rooms. So, I was contemplating things, the what-to-dos to get out from here. But I didn't know where to go. And I didn't want to put myself in peril, either. I outweighed the pros and cons but still couldn't figure out where else I could go. I didn't know if we have a neighborhood nearby. John had forbidden me to wander outside. 

"The moment you step outside, I will kill you". Said John with a threatened look when I tried to sneak out one day. 

When I remember those words, I couldn't help but my heart to thudding madly. 

I couldn't see any way out. But. 

I hurried myself to go to the next room. John's room to be specific. John was out early this morning to run some errand. The room was wide. There was a king-size bed standing at the right side of the room. There were gray-colored curtains hung at either side of the window. I, then allowed my eyes to venture around the vicinity of the room. There, I saw another door. I slowly traipse until I was about to touch the door knob when somewhere everywhere I heard a jumble of sounds of footsteps. My heart skipped a beat. I felt my lungs has emptied with blood-its starving. I got scared. What if John caught me here sneaking out his room? Would he kill me? What if he found out that I am looking for something?Those thoughts added a fear in my heart. But instead of standing still on the floor, I immediately took a clandestine peek towards the window to see the owner of those footsteps. It was John. His black suit was perfectly fitted to his manly body. He was a beau ideal of a handsome man in fictional stories. I was out of my mind and being oblivious John was already springing out in-front of me. 

What are you doing here, Jean?

Ahmm.. No words were coming out from my mouth. I just stood blankly with mouth agape. 

 "I..I just thought of coming here to see you because..."

"Because?" John interrupted.

"Because I want to borrow the book you have finished reading yesterday. If that would be okay?" I answered with no second thoughts because that was really the truth. I envied him for buying books anytime then read them. I saw him reading the 1984 book by Paulo Coelho yesterday and his reactions while reading and sipping a cup of coffee concurrently convinced me to come to him to borrow it. 

John kept silence. He never talked and just turned his back from me. But he suddenly faced me with his hand on his forehead. Anger percolate on his face. I felt a burning furnace swallowing me. I felt very hot.

"I told you not to enter my room if I am not around. I bet you didn't knock the door. Did you?" 

"I knocked. But the door was standing ajar. So I entered the room, cause maybe you are in the comfort room, you wont hear me anyway."

I didn't notice a tear coming out from my eyes, one by one until it was not-a-holding-back-tear crying, but a straight up bawling. I noticed John was acting irresolute. He wiped my tears, held my shoulders, and hugged me. Maybe the least thing he could do.

"Look! I am really sorry, Jean. I was just carried away. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He motioned me to sit down on his bed. Letting his shoulder to lean my head on. And I fell asleep. 

Chapter 3

I was awakened by the sound of alarm. I remember I was in John's room. But wait. I was already in my room. And the hand of the clock reminded me that it was already half past 8 in the morning. So I was sleeping for about 10 hours. I laid back on bed, cuddled the duvet wrapping my body. I could feel how it comforts me- with its warm and scent that invigorates my soul, every-time. I couldn't remember what happened yesterday, again. And this slowly killing me. The only thing that would remind me of my identity was the picture frame hanging on the center corner of my room. A visage of a happily married young man and woman. The smile that marred on their faces was genuine, even their eyes were smiling. There were no spot of sadness drawn over their faces but a feeling of comfort and love. I looked at it earnestly-letting my thoughts flawed by the memory of yesterday I couldn't see vividly. 

Chapter 4

"No, you cheated on me, John. Why did you do this to me? I gave up everything for you. You know that. Even my soul John. You are killing me. Maybe, love for you is just an understatement. I embrace your whole being- your flaws and imperfections. Were those not enough for you? Am I not enough? Tell me John. What on earth is happening to you? Do I really know the man I shared my vow with? You are killing me, John. You are killing me. You are pushing me to my boiling point!" I was shouting from the tip of my lungs.

"Jean, look! I am sorry."

 He tried to hug me but I refused.

"I love you! I always do, but things had gone wrong between us lately. And I thought that was the nicest thing to do. I realized that it hurts you, that's why I am coming back Jean for you-for us. I am the luckiest man on earth for having you as my wife. Living without you is like living a sordid life."

"Did you say nicest thing, John?"

 I didn't let him finish talking.

"What is nice to you? Is that the only word in your vocabulary? 

Or have you heard about loyalty and respect? 

Ah. I forgot. You've never gotten any respect and loyalty. Not even to yourself.----"

He stared at me with his killer eyes. He never expected those words I'd thrown to him. He thought, I am pretty good with what he was doing. That I would forgive him no matter what. But whose wife would say that everything is copacetic after her husband did something erroneous. I bet not a single soul of a well-state mind. 

Right that moment, without a word, he made an escape. I was left behind feeling pique and hurt. A fit of zilch ran through my veins then tears had continually scalding my cheek. I was crying my heart out. My mind was too fogged by pain. I heard nothing but an incessant voice saying "I hate you, John. You will definitely regret for hurting me. I don't deserve this pain. I am better than this". And then I went to our kitchen, got a knife and ended my life. 

Chapter 5

A knock from the door rescued me from that terrible dream. I felt a pang of pain in my chest. I hardly breath- I didn't know the reason, either. Maybe of that dream that seemed reality. If that would be true, I wished I would never wake up again. 

So, I realized I drifted to sleep again from snatching a moment to trying to recall the roots of my past. It was too good that I had never felt ravenous lately- But I am not on a diet though. I immediately wrenched my body out from the bed to see whosoever-that-man-who-saved-me. And to my surprised, It was John. By looking at his face, I remember my dream. The man was still at the back of my mind, I could figure out his likeness with the one in-front of me. A total resemblance. I wanted to confront him head-on. But my heart and mind would likely to insist.

"Is this the right time?" I thought. "No. A dream is only a dream, it would impossible for a dream do come true. But. Sometimes, dreams are the pages of story written from your past. And dreams..."

I was back to my normal thinking when John spoke.

"Jean? Are you okay? I've been talking to you but you aren't listening" He said with a grim on his face.

"Yes. Do you need something, John?" I asked with a tone of irritation. 

"Are you ....uhh.. doing okay, more or less?" He remarked then seemed to hesitate.

"More or less."I said shortly

"All right. You know, I have here the book that you wanted to borrow last time. And I guessed you remembered something. Don't you?"

 I didn't answer.

He handed me the book. I stretched my right hand a bit enough to take it. 

He was about to leave the room when I called him by his name. 

"John....ah. thank you for this." I smiled at him.

He then kissed me on the forehead then turned his back. I looked at the book in my hand. Just once in ages, I felt elated. It might be hard to believe, but today's felt like one of the better days. I could finally read a book. I went straight to my bed, streched out my legs, with a book in my hands. As I flipped the pages of the book, it felt like it was happened before. It sounded deja vu. 

"Was I a reader before? Does reading is our way of unwinding with John." 

I thought. "He has burgeoning books in his shelf. Were those mine before? I concurred, I never happened to touch any of those. Were those the reasons why John forbid me to come in his room?"

Negative thoughts. Scratch that. "Just start reading, Jean."

 I read the acknowledments and below captured my attention. It was a letter from John and the first line made me shed a single tear. 

October 8, 2020

 Dear Jean, 

 Today is your 8th death anniversary. If you would ask me if I am doing okay? I don't know would be my answer. Everything has become pointless since you left. Even I have Ruth in my life, there is always a black hole in my heart. 

Do you remember Ruth? She's been feeling guilty until now. We even have separated beds. We barely talk. She had an accident three days after your funeral. She suffered depression. She's in coma for 8 years already. But she stayed beside me because she wanted to keep her promise to you that she will take good care of me. Even she forgets everything, the only memory she remembers is me and you. She told me that maybe, this is her punishment. She's always in her room- crying. I tried to reach her, but she knew that my heart only belongs to you. 

She's doing everything Jean, as a purchace indemnity for everything she did to you. All she wants is for you to forgive her. 

Jean, how are you? I missed your smile. I missed your beautiful face. I missed everything about you. Life is so damned hard. I regretted my whole life, for hurting you Jean. However, please know that I love you so much, Jean. Believe me because that is true. If you were given a chance to live again, I would surely do my very best to show how much I love you. 

Living today is never be the same in living yesterday with you. Everything is futile. But I am trying Jean. I am trying to live well. However, without you, the world is so lonely. 

I miss, miss, miss you!

I can only hope that you are doing better, Jean. I love you. 

                Love, 

                 John

Chapter 6

 After all this time, I was living in my ideal world. After all this time, I was living in a lie. Could someone explain to me what was happening? No. I was not dead and it would never be happening. John was out of his mind. He knew that I was talking to him every now and then. Things gone wrong but I would stay with him, no matter what. He knew that. He knew that the woman he got married to has a heart- a heart of gold. Whatever he does, he knew I would forgive him. Because everyone deserves second chances. John deserved it. He knew from the very beginning that I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. I would surely take all the risks for him. That made him fell in-love with me over and over again. But. Sometimes, love couldn't survive on its own. When pain covered the golden heart, love dies. I remembered that day-when pain suffocated my whole being. I forgot to forgive. I forgot what second chances mean. I forgot love. I forgot John in the first place. 

Someone was sobbing beside me. It was Ruth, holding the book, John handed me earlier. I wanted to slap her right into her face but I realized she was there helping me the whole time . She was reading the letter John had wrote me. Tears fell down from her eyes. I knew she suffered too. She suffered too much. I could feel her pain. So this was the reason why I was still alive in their world- to give me an answer for all the questions booming in my head. For 8 years I finally found the one I was looking at John's room. It was a letter found in one of my favorite books- 1984. A letter that would explain everything. Succint but true. A letter that would give an answer-- An answer that would help me in getting out from this island, and from Ruth and John's nightmare. And an answer that would help them to live a new life- healthy and free.

I knew they felt sorry for hurting me. How amazing what a little truthful confrontation could do for the soul. 

And that was already enough for me. I loved them both- John as my husband and Ruth as my bestfriend.

Tonight as I was looking outside right here in the window, the moon was shining brightly. Her gleaming orb invited me to come home. 

There were way too many stars in a too bright, out-of-focus sky, that would guard me along the way. 

I now prepared myself to get out of my little dread-filled cocoon and flew away to get a life of my own. 

Some things were not meant for us. If we stay for a reason- stay for awhile but not too long. We just need to learn on how to let go if it is time to let go. We all deserved to live happily. 

And everything went black.