The Confessions Of Her Life

Dear Diary

It's been a roller coaster of a life. Running away from all my problems, I'm still scared. But I guess that's what makes your life feel more lively. This fright and pain are all that make me feel alive. You must be wondering my dear diary of what must have I endured to write all these thoughts. It is something that I never shared with anyone including you. But guess what, now I'm tired. Tired of living, and facing all these alone. My emotions which I bottled still now, feel like they need a release. And I'm here at your page again knocking to share my dreams or what people usually call ' nightmares'. Isn't it the irony that I, who has become a nightmare for thousands is speaking of her dreams? I feel broken today just like every other day or much worse. I just have one question for the world, " Why me?" 

The only thing that I have left to feel is my pain and fright. The sorrow is killing me. People think me to be flawless, to have never shuttered to say my words, but in reality, it's all a lie. I'm the coward who sits and witnesses the pain everyone endures but still keeps mum. I was taught at an early age that even staying quiet is a crime much more intensified than the crime witnessed. But why do I have to be the criminal to commit it? Why can't I raise once again? Why am I always pulled back? Why am I so weak to not even choose what seems me right? Every day a new thought crosses me, is it all because of me for I was the one who pushed them to stand strong but I find myself falling apart.

Oh, dear diary! I just have a single question for you for all the thoughts of mine have you read," Did I not try enough to stop what I saw?" I find myself questioning this again as every night I'm woken by screams of that night. My best friend Lily, who has been with me through thick and thin again stood in front of me to protect me. I still blame myself for if I would have been stronger I would be able to save her from what was supposed to be suffered by me. They were assassins sent by my brother to kill me just so he could pick up my place in this kingdom. Lily saved me but the blood that spilled from her body still covers my hand. The same night, I killed him. Yes, I killed my brother. His ear-piercing screams were like a melody to me. I don't know that whether I should feel guilty for having killed my brother and satisfied for having avenged my best friend, my soul sister. That night was that repeats in my mind every night. No, I don't remember killing my brother- Prince Henry Jr. as I call him because he was never my brother. He might have been my stepbrother but I loved him with all my life till then. Every night I remember Lily breathing her last breathes. And I find myself crying to wake her up, to say to her that we could run away but all I get to hear is her last scream and her eyes which not for once had accusation but only warmth and pride for having saved me, her friend and her future Queen.

I'm a horrible person dear and I know that. Henry who was supposed to be protected by me was killed by my own hands. But I'm good too, I never let anyone name him a Traitor for he was given the pride of a martyr. Wondering what I did? I could not bring to see my baby brother whom I once loved a lot being hated by everyone. He was named a martyr with Lily and people thought of him to have died protecting me. Some even hate me for that as people died for letting me live. I guess I could live with people hating me for life but not them hating my family like that. That was how I became the ice-cold queen people refer to me as now. The sweet innocent princess died with the two most precious persons of her life on that night and a queen was born the next day. A queen who is known to be merciless. The one who is a nightmare to thousands and more

I know my diary, you must be wondering that why am I bothering to tell you these as I'll burn this page of yours like every other page in which I wrote such thoughts making you forget everything about this part of my life. But this is the truth that lives and dies with me. Only me.

With my unshed tears,

Then a princess- now a Queen