The Arrival

He said he'd come home early and despite facing disappointments from over 30 years I still had a little bit of hope in me thinking he would come early tonight. All these years I waited for his arrival but he never turned up on time. When we married, we were the happiest couple, I guess. I remember he'd bring me flowers and chocolates almost every night not that I care about such stuff, no I'm not materialistic. Just I liked his presence and that he thought about me so much. As months passed, time changed, he changed; I could feel him drifting away from me and I began to believe in my own lies, I began to believe in his excuses maybe because the reality was too harsh for me to accept. He came late from office, hardly noticed me, sometimes we went out but I could see he was not interested in me anymore. I couldn't see the love in his eyes anymore. I feared I'd lose him, I didn't want to, if only I knew he was never really mine. I thought a kid might change him, a kid might rekindle our broken marriage or maybe save it! I didn't really realize that it was my unconscious mind that was looking for excuses, I was just trying to convince myself that he still loves me deep inside all I need is to ignite that love again. We had twins... a boy and a girl, I was the happiest that day, for I not only have kids now but my husband too. The moment he entered the hospital room, I looked at him trying to search for that love in his eyes again, he kissed our babies with tears rolling over his face, and then came to me and said "thankyou". Alas! I couldn't find that love again. He continued coming late from office, this time he said "we are four now, I have to earn enough and for that I need to work enough". We surely went for outings and holidays but I hardly got his attention, I felt like I could disappear and he won't notice. My unconscious mind played another trick, I started believing that maybe I lost my charm and looks so I spent a lot of time in salon and gym. He didn't notice much but I could see him staring at me once in a while. I thought it's working, I thought gradually I am able to win him back. But that day I got late in picking up our kids from school because I was in salon, he somehow got to know it and screamed at me, he said I was the most selfish and inconsiderate woman he has ever come across, little did he know that I did everything for him... Years passed and I tried many methods to win him back. From date nights to cooking new dishes, or trying to look and behave like somebody new, but nothing worked. I remember he always kept a lock on his phone and everytime his phone buzzed he ran to the other room and picked it up, I knew he had found a new love interest. I wanted to confront him, scream at him, tell him how much I loved him and how hard I am trying, but I was afraid. I didn't want to lose him by being a nagging wife. I wish I knew that he was never really mine. Time passed... he retired, it's our 30th anniversary today I thought he'd come home early tonight but he hasn't showed up yet. He has a bunch of his friends with whom he likes to spend his time. It's like slowly he killed all the hope inside me but I don't know why I still wait for his arrival. He is dead now, he is gone but I don't know why I am not feeling any pain. Maybe because I don't love him anymore or maybe because I am still waiting for his arrival.