She...The Ultimate

The car swerved around the sharp mend giving a narrow miss to the on-coming bus. This is it,she has come to a point where she is not suicidal but if a robber broke into her house and held a gun to her head she would smile and say go ahead, or if she walked into oncoming traffic she wouldn't even look up. She has finally reached the point where if she could die without having to take her own life..she would What drove her to this point?, Everything. Her whole life up to this day where she almost drove into an oncoming bus.

Her parents died in a car crash when she was very small, she was thrown from foster home to foster home, the previous worst than the next.

Finally at 18 years old she broke free, got a small bachelor flat and a job and at that point it felt like heaven.

Not for long. Her boss she was to find out is an abusive, sadistic pervert. She kept quiet and because she needed the job so badly, she took all his molestation and emotional abuse for 3 years.

At age 21 she almost had a nervous breakdown and just stayed away from work, after 6 days when the secretary phoned to check on her she lied and said she found a better oppertunity.

She was unemployed, broke, and nearing a full on mental breakdown.

Furiously looking for a job just to keep her flat and not die of starvation she found a job as a barlady at a well known nightclub.

The manager was charming and kind, the salary was good and the tips even better, she began to relax.

Working at the bar for almost 7 months one night the other barlady called in sick, the manager was at home with a sick toddler and she was on her own. It was a thursday night so things was quiet, she was confident she could handle it. Customers came and went. 

Nearing the end of the night she noticed a tall handsome man sitting alone at the end of the bar. She walked over and asked what he wanted to drink as it was last round. He smiled and said :"Double Jack Daniels on the rocks". She quickly poured his drink and helped the last two guys to pay their bill. Now just the stranger and she could cashup and lock.

She started putting off aircons, checked windows, put off the music, usual routine. 

Upon returning behind the bar the stranger swallowed his last whiskey, put cash on the counter, tipped his black cowboy hat at her, smiled and walked out. 

She went and locked the door, satisfied her first solo shift went well.

She did the cashup, locked everything in the safe, switched off the lights, grabbed her bag and headed for the door.

Usually her manager would drop her off at home because this time at night there are no more busses.

She would had to take a taxi tonight.

She locked the door, dropped the keys in her bag and as she turned around and just as she wanted to head for the sidewalk to signal a taxi she was pulled into the alley next to the bar by force.

Steel arms gripped her tiny frame and a huge hand was placed over her mouth.

The deep voice said :"Keep your mouth shut, if you make a sound I will cut your throat", then she saw it, the icecold steel blade next to her face..

She started sobbing, shaking, praying,

the stranger handled her so rough that every touch left a bruise. She wanted to scream, but knew he would do what he said. 

She could feel his cold emotionless presence.

He started tearing her clothes from her body, she fought back, biting, kicking, but he was just too strong.

This man had no intention to rob her, he was going to rape her!!

He managed to tear her clothes off, hand still over her mouth he threw her so hard against the wall that her head hit it with a loud thud.

For a moment all she saw was stars, and then felt warm liquiod running down her face. Her head was busted open.

Still fighting for her life, sobbing, but loosing the battle completely, the stranger open his zip and shoved himself inside her in one movement.

Thrust after thrust, he tore her. Left her broken,bruised, bleeding, after what felt like a lifetime in this pit of hell, just like he appeared he was gone.

She layed in a small heap on the gound, naked, bleeding, bruised, and a few minutes later everything went black around her.

She woke up, her head hurt, she felt sore and swollen everywhere and this bright white ligt around her was blinding.

Had she died? Was this eternity? She concentrated on focusing and then she saw it.

She was in a hospital bed, iv drip in her arm, bandages on her hands and feet, then she remembered what happened.

She started sobbing loudly and uncontrolably.

The nurse came in. Speaking softly and kindly to her but she didn't hear a word.

She cried until sleep finally came again.

She woke up once again, there was soft voices around her, she looked around and saw a doctor, a nurse and a woman that looked very professional.

They told her she was brought in by a couple that was on a date and the male had to urinate, because it was so late he quickly went into the alley where he found her blood covered naked body unconcious.

She has been in this hospital for 10 days, the woman with the smart attire was a trauma counselor.

She spoke softly and soothingly, asking questions and saying she wants to help her.

She turned her head away, refusing to say a word, staring numbly out the now open blinds.

She could not feel anything, it was as if everything inside her died. She felt numb.

3 days later the doctor announced she could go home. She signed the forms, took the bag of medication she was given, dressed in a pair of surgical pants and someone's white tshirt(probably the nice nurse).

She walked outside the hospital and saw there were a few cabs pulled up. She chose one with a female driver, gave the address, and stared once again emotionless out the window.

Upon arrival at her flat the caretaker met her outside and explained the manager of the bar where she worked brought her bag with her keys and wallet and phone the couple found next to her in the alley the previous day. He was at the hospital a few times but she was always asleep.

She nodded blankly, avoided the sympathy in the old caretaker's eyes, her questions and walked on to her flat.

As she entered she locked the door walked to the couch without putting on a light and just curled up there in a ball, staring ahead without a hint of emotion.

After a few days reality set in, she realised she had to shower and eat if she was gonna stay alive.

She stood under the shower for almost 2 hours, staring at the bruises and cuts, her whole body was almost black and blue.

The manager came the next day, offering to help where he could, that she could come back if she wanted to the bar anytime she wanted.

She just shaked her head and said :"I will never come back".

She held the door open for him and he left.

He tried coming over a few times in the next few months to see if he could help but she always shaked her head and never spoke to him. 

His visists became less frequent until it completely stopped.

Now what?, she asked herself. She has been in this flat 3 months, the manager feeling guilty because she worked solo that night paid her rent in advance for 6 months and paid a substansial ammount at the grocer around the corner, they packed her weekly essentials in bags and it was delivered to her door. 

The manager's final act of sympathy before he never came again.

She has been feeling sick the last few days, throwing up and dizzy spells.

She convinced herself it was belated trauma effects.

It got so bad she had to get help.

She hesitantly knocked on the caretaker's door,

"Sor..rr.ryyy to bb..bother,I just wanted to ask if you knew where the nearest doctor is please"..she stammered out when the friendly old lady opened the door.

The old lady explained to her she knew of a good one about 7 blocks away, but in her state she can't walk.

She asked her if she could drive and was up to it.

She nodded in agreement thanking her alcoholic foster father when she was 17 for teaching her to drive even if the purpose was only to send her for his brandy. She passed her licence.

The old lady said ok, stood up and came back with an adress written on a piece of paper and her carkey.

Explaining she would have taken her but there are new tentants coming to look at the open flat so she can't leave.

Hesitantly she took the key, the woman said :"Take as long as you need dear, just be careful and take care of yourself".

With these words she set off to the adress the woman wrote down.

She arrived and walked into the crisp white clinical office that smelled like disinfectant.

It made her feel sick to her stomach.

She stammering explained to the receptionist why she was there, the lady said she was in luck as they just had a cancelation and could fit her in immediately.

She was told to follow her and was taken into yet another sterile cold office with a desk, chairs and an examination bed.

An old grey man came in and introduced himself as Dr pete.

He asked her what the reason for her visit was and after stammering and choking out her reason he listened to her heartbeat, asked for a urine monster, took a blood sample from her.

He gave her some electrolytes and vitamins and told her to get alot of rest and that he would contact her with the test results.

She made her way home.

A week later her phone rang.

It was the receptionist at the doctor's office asking her if she could come in that same day.

Gathering her guts she went downstairs and once again knocked on the caretaker's door.

After explaining very briefly she asked if she could use the car again as she could not face a bus filled with people yet.

The kind old lady agreed and she was off.

She walked into the building and the receptionist immediately showed her into yet another white sterile room,alot like the previous one when she was here but this one only had a desk and a chair on either side.

After what felt like an eternity, the old grey doctor appeared and asked her how she is. She nodded and looked at him waiting for her results.

As he spoke she went cold, started shivering and shaking, felt her stomach turn in her throat and then the familiar numbness.

Her insides accepting there was nothing left but blankness inside her.

"Your results tested positive and confirmed my suspicion that you are pregnant, about 3 months along". 

Her worst fear the past few weeks was confirmed.

And then the doctor continued, informing her that she was also hiv positive.

He kept talking for what seemed to be an eternity about precautions, and anti natal care and medication and he went on and on. She did not hear a word.

As if in a trance she walked back to the car, got in and just drove.

No destination, no hope, no emotion, just this dead heavy numbness inside her. It was already late afternoon and she was on the other side of town, realising she needed to take the car back she turned around and just as she swerved around the sharp mend, going way too fast she saw the oncoming bus. With millimeters she managed to get to her side of the road and stay on it and here is where she is now...

No future, no hope, no emotion...

Not suicidal because she is a coward but also won't say no to death if it came along...