“Suchi…, Suchi !!! Look at this, what happened to you, you are the only reason for all this”. It was precisely 3:15 am in the morning, I was jolted for the moment, and opened my eyes and found myself with increased heart beat and full of sweat.
I instantly rushed to my dad’s room and he was in deep and calm sleep. I came back to my bed and started thinking that about my Toastmaster speech which was scheduled next day and it should be good.
I was really prepared well for it, but unfortunately could not deliver the speech effectively. I forgot the speech and got stuck in between; this has never happened in my life. Finally finished the speech by using the notes which I had thought I wouldn’t need.
I failed at that moment and was not able to remember transition points. My mind was completely disturbed and not in control.
I asked myself “Why? What happened to all the confidence that I had in my previous speeches?
I was really disappointed and asked suggestion with my mentor
He said, “Practice well Suchi…Practice well” Practice makes man perfect”
My reply was “I had practised well, but I don’t know why I have done like this today. There has been some disturbances at my office, not able to focus on anything constantly”
And he said: “Whenever you are on stage, forget everything and try to concentrate only on your speech”
Not only in toastmaster even in my office as well, not able to concentrate on my work.
‘“Is there not any other solution for this; we expect a more technically feasible solution for this…”I had received feedback from my customer demos.
“Suchi…, these are very ground level research and there are many products in the market that exist with this concept. So try to do more analysis and develop feasible for Indian market” my mentor in my Market Research program told me after going through my product portfolio of market research.
My Manager shouted at me “Suchi, this much of low confidence....! I had never seen you like this before.”
I had spent many sleepless nights, last mind which resulted in losing my lucky charm wrist watch. I couldn’t even realise where I have lost it. A feeling of loneliness, felt like isolated in a desert and someone trying to chase me in black horse. I was multi folded defeated in my life.
Why? What happened? What made me like this?
It was 27th April, 2017 afternoon, when I was in my office. I got a call from Indigo Airlines cruise member mentioning that my father who was travelling from BBSR to BLR had undergone a mild cardiac arrest in the flight and I had to go there instantly to pick him up.
I was really dumbfounded for that second, a strange feeling started haunting me. My life became very uncertain. Then I realised anything can happen at any moment and my days started filling with painful experiences of past and unexpected, fearful thoughts of future.
My mind murmured “If something happens to my dad, then I can never forgive myself, because I always blamed my parents for restricting me in doing many things”
“Suchi…, Suchi !!! see what happened? And you are the only one who is responsible for all this!!!”…. this sentence continuously started reverberating around my ears and mind.
Whatever I was doing… whether I was practising my speech or doing my market research or office work, this sentence was never leaving me alone to have a peaceful mind.
Then I decided to take many challenges and I have to win in all those, so that I will be able to concentrate in those tasks at least forcefully.
Definitely, I had to start from my next Toastmaster speech… as my CC1 had brought confidence in me, which I had lost in a traumatic incident.
Hoping that, the success in my next speech would bring confidence back in me, I had already set up many tasks for me, so that I could start those with great confidence. But that failure made me more down. And failure in CC4, was the reason of losing my confidence which caused failure in all the tasks back to back and I went deeply down into a loop hole…
I was not able to make my point clearly whenever I was sitting to finish my market research assignments. And in office, I was not up to the point!!!
I bent over backwards, but all the roads were leading me to Rome!!!ut, till how many days, can I continue like this…???
Newton’s first law of motion sates that an object will not change its speed or direction unless an external unbalanced force affects it.
“Suchi, meditate… “ my manager told me… “I am not able to concentrate even for 10 secs….then how can I sit for half an hour???” I told.
“That’s why, I am telling you…once you start meditation, then you will realise the life is present only in present” he told…
“Listen Doctor…, leave me alone, I can manage myself” I told…
“Hope, you will get well soon, but don’t put yourself in a scenario for which you will have to regret again, in a situation similar to now” he said…What do you mean???” I asked
“You know better…!!!” he said…
Then, when I saw around me, I realised that everything was fine… only my mind was disturbed!!!
And because of this, I was never was able to live my Present and had lost many deadlines, those I had set up for myself!!!…
Yes, meditation was the yellow brick road for me by helping me a lot to understand myself…
“Thank you, Doctor!!!” I said
“Welcome back!!! May I expect your contribution in getting the next customer into our plate…??? ” he said….
“Sure…why not….!!!” I said…
“Excellent…!!!” my mentor said me after my success in CC5 speech
“This is the great solution… that’s what I was looking for!!!” my customer accepted my proposal….
Now, I am living a life that I have ever dream of with tremendous energy to take any challenge in my life!!!
I accept my past without regret, handle my present with confidence, and face my future without fear.”
As said in the movie kungu fu panda “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is Mystery, but today is a GIFT, that`s why it is called the present.
If you are depressed, then you are living in the PAST…if you are anxious, you are living in the FUTURE… if you are peace, you are living in the PRESENT!!!!
If Present is the only part of life which I can live, then why I am ruining my life by taking myself to those part of life among which one is already dead and the other is not born yet…
Dear toastmaster`s “Time is very precious, once it is passed, it will never come back. Do not waste a single minute, enjoy every minute of the life.
Now, it’s my time to build my future instead of blaming someone and finding excuses.
Remember “Past is a waste paper, Present is a newspaper Future is a question paper. So, read and write carefully, otherwise life will be a tissue paper…