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Suchismita Sahu

Romance


5.0  

Suchismita Sahu

Romance


Mirage

Mirage

18 mins 525 18 mins 525

“Dr. Suprabh…. It’s a good news for you…! Did you see the latest research paper on Computational methods to predict Adverse Drug Reactions…done by Ms. Ruchi …The paper contains both Topological features and Intrinsic features with Jaccard coefficient, Gaussian interaction profile kernel, Neighbors Product and many more relevant statistical algorithms… I don’t know whether any software will be developed in the near future, but you should start validating these algorithms…she has proved the model with good accuracy…?”- I became disturbed for a moment by hearing this from over-excited Dr. Sarabai.


Then, as usual, he started concentrating on a research topic related to ‘Humira’. The network graph was always diverting from the expectation…there was some mistake, but…! Let’s take a break…no, I have to get this result…I can never leave this in between or else I will lose my track….”Oh…shit …not getting the result…still, I was not able to concentrate on it. Dr. Sarabai…I am leaving for the day…! Don't know…not able to get the correct result and I need a break for the day…” -I just informed Dr. Sarabai while passing through his desk without carrying his laptop, didn't even listen to Dr.Sarabai’s response…


A dark silence had covered the atmosphere at my home…

“♪… ♫… ♬……… ♭………♪… ♫……

Watching Silence- an attempt to look inwards

induces heavenly bliss- while alive as rewards!

Pierce through one’s own self deep to begin with,

reflect incessant chatter of the mind- ‘Oh’ it writhes!


We can shut our eyes ‘n’ ears to the world around,

what about the mind and its clutter that surrounds?

At comfort, we do roam around the world,

bringing nostalgic memories of it, into our folds!


Moments ‘n’ Events unravel on its pace,

The ‘I’ shaking claims and credits- a mindless race!

‘What is in it for me?’ motive behind all action,

altruistic intent battered a minuscule fraction!


Pause a while, and watch thoughts pass by,

giving room for goodness to surge from the sly!

Just frivolous and trivial are all the material gains,

leaving you restless and writhing in deep pain!


In that calm and tranquil, as we begin watching,

resisting all attempts of mind to start snatching!

As we mellow down from within our count,

it is fathomless surreal tranquillity we mount!


In that stillness and calm, as we exist along,

exploring our deep inside with swan-song!

It is when we turn a mute witness to that silence,

we find abiding joy and bliss- an eternal presence!!!

!!! ♪… ♫… ♬……… ♭………♪… ♫…… …”


…Fingers were paining by continuous hitting on the piano for hours together…, heart was aching with pain…, tears were never obeying me to get stopped….why I was not able to stop myself…I realized why everyone likes music when they are in happy mood and they can understand the lyrics only when they are in pain...It was really an emotional lyrics written by her...I was able to feel her emotion.... I was broken…I was a culprit…."Be always happy…Ruchi…wherever you are…My well wishes are always with you…..If possible, please pardon me….!” -I fell down on the piano and cried loud with heart out…Whenever I remember Ruchi, always sing her lyrics, by playing piano for hours together… I could not drink to forget the pain because I had promised Ruchi not to drink anymore….No this time, I should not restrict himself…let all the pain come out…so that I will never remember her…will forget her for the lifetime…,but has it happened ever…each time I think the same while trying to forget Ruchi, but I can never…then why still sing on Ruchi’s lyrics….if I want to forget her…! Don't know I want to say her something…by keeping myself far from her…I just pass my emotion in the air…!


A quiet evening at Horsely hill….Why do I come to this hill again and again…. …what do I see here…what do I want to feel…with whom I want to talk…,with whom I want to smile…, with whom I want to get angry….in whose depth of eyes I want to get lost again… in whose warmth of breath, I want to feel warmness….don’t know anything…something just attracts me…I want to spend some moments with myself…the way Ruchi likes to feel her true self….I don’t want to come here because whenever I come here, her memories come to my mind….Still, I come here running, even though I restrict myself a lot….! Today, I am trying to find out a reason why I should live my life…like oneday ruchi wa trying to find out, sitting beside a hill side.....!


The scene of a lonely hillside reminds me the memories of those days…when I had asked her “What do you see…Ruchi, by sitting here in this lonely Poconos hill…why are you so lonely….come out from your cocoon…then see…,how guys will start following you….…”-Ruchi just smiled, didn’t say anything…and I lost myself by seeing her…she was looking like a white swan in that white Lucknow chikankari, high neck, full sleeves salwar suit, her eyes were little swollen up, but had never lost their shapes, small bob hair had little grown up and were coming down from her shoulders, face was glowing with the moonlight…she was just looking towards the fast moving clouds in the sky…what was she seeing there…was she trying to talk with them…hours were passing like that, but her eyes were never getting tired by constantly looking at the clouds….again some days, I found her constantly looking towards the torrents of Hudson river……seems like she was trying to hide herself in the burbling sound of water…. She was desperately searching for something…sometimes her eyes were becoming gloomy and sometimes her eyes were getting green…it seemed that she had found a treasure in life by getting curious about the nature, being passionate in her relationship and having an overall positive and a creative outlook on life, or again some days…she was constantly looking towards the big clock in Grand Central Terminal of New York, standing in the middle of the street…. Was she trying to find out any new topic for her research by constantly looking towards these…! I did never get any answer…!


“Ruchi, I dont know why but I like you......"-when I said this in the air one day sitting in a lonely hillside…she just smiled as usual by looking at me, after listening the echo of my confession in the air….and left quietly….

I could not find her out in the Poconos hill for the next five days and got her on the next day when I had come in the day time, as I was not able to concentrate in my work, I was missing her a lot…I wanted to see her…I wanted to get her response…

“Ruchi…how are you…why you didn’t come these days…you know how much I was missing you…?” – all came out suddenly by seeing her after a decade…these five days had become a decade for me…


“I was coming…as I feel peaceful here…but in a different time…”-she said calmly…

“You didn’t want to meet me, so…?”-I asked her

“No, I don’t want to spoil your life….” -she said calmly…


“Why do you feel so…you don’t know how safe I feel with you, when I talk with you…yes, you don’t talk with me so much…but those few words give me utter security….a sense of someone of my own… you know, Ruchi, I am here in New York, after having a failed relationship…I just wanted to be with myself, to make myself busy in my research, but when I met you that day, in the Seminar of research paper on medicine ‘Adalimumab’….yes, you were not anything exceptional…by seeing whose beauty I would be lost, but don’t know what was within you that made me to know about you… And don’t know how come I felt that I had started liking you… I was in a deep romantic relationship with Tia, my ex-wife, but….leave it… it was all past….I have restricted myself a lot, whenever you come to my mind these days…. by reminding myself about those painful days in my life…but every time, I got the answer from the Universe that no, you are something different…and I need you in my life…. ” -I just confessed in front of her…


“How can Dr. Suprabh, the famous Physician and Medical Research scholar need a girl who is rejected by everyone in this World…?” -she could not stop herself while smiling quietly which had a sense of self-dejection for herself….


“I am rejected by my ex-husband, because I could not give him enough dowry….I could not become a stylist, entertaining wife for him…I am rejected by my family, as I brought disgrace to their respect and status…I am rejected by everyone, because I made everyone’s life miserable… Now, to die is lesser evil for me than to live....But, I want to live my life… Life is like a game of chess. To win you must make a move. Knowing which move to make comes with insight and knowledge, and by learning the lessons that are accolated along the way. We become each and every piece within the game called life. I want to gain confidence to fight with myself to live at least this moment….so I used to come here and see the fast moving cloud, by seeing those I used to motivate myself that if everything in this world is moving forward, then why can’t I stand still at this moment, instead of losing my hope to go back and lose my life… by watching the fast moving water of Hudson river, I used to say myself not to lose hope and move forward…..Clock at Grand Central Terminal street used to remind me that time never waits for anyone…so why am I wasting my time…but I am helpless…not able to get the courage to live my life…,to live at the current moment…leave behind that I should move ahead…and now you are saying that you need this kind of girl……me…! I did everything right and I got nothing for it. I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again. And, now I have become a dead body…I don’t have any emotion…you will never get anything from me…better to forget me and leave me in my own situation…the complete World can never be wrong that it will deject me….if it has rejected me…then it must have some valid reasons behind it… Instead you are wrong in assuming me that I am right… don’t run behind a mirage…a poisonous snake… hope you will never come to this place again, please leave me alone in this peaceful place…” – she said calmly and started looking towards the sky as usual…


I left the place immediately, by realizing myself that how can I do the same mistake again to believe someone by just going through the outer appearance of the person…


It was a gap of seven months…


“Congratulations…Dr.Suprabh, for your research paper on Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease… ” -Ruchi


I don’t know why I had picked up the plain white envelope among many colourful and designed envelopes those I had received after getting nominated by United States Govt for the research paper on this respiratory disease…there was no sender’s address…tried to contact Ruchi, to thank her back…checked her Facebook account, but got disappointed by seeing her old, dormant account. Yes, got her in her linkedin account… “Thank you, Ruchi… for your message…how are you…?” – I just sent her a message…


“I am fine… how are you… God may give you lots of success…” – I got response within next ten minutes..

“Where are you now…?” -I asked her…

”I am in India…” -she replied back


I didn’t want to talk with her much, instead don’t know why unknowingly I just went through her professional profile on LinkedIn… she had a blog site where she had written many informative blogs related to life, philosophy, technology, medical science, interior designing and yes I came to know that she was a good cook also…


After one year, I came back to India, as I wanted to spend time with my parents and joined in a reputed pharmaceutical company.

“Dr. Suprabh, your colleague Ms. Ruchi will explain you all about this research…” -by saying this my boss Dr. Sarabai left the office room, while I was busy in arranging my stuff in the newly allocated room to me…


“Good Morning, Dr. Suprabh… ” -a sweet voice entered inside my room, within a minute…

“Oh, hi…Ruchi…how are you…nice to see you here again …” – I just greeted Ruchi by suddenly seeing her and definitely I could not take my eyes out from her, as she was looking much younger than before, with a lot of confidence in her gesture, in a simple yellow cotton saree with short bob hair cut, she was looking very elegant….


“I am fine, I work here as a Product Analytics Manager for the drugs related to respiratory diseases...… So, as part of my job, I need a lot of information from you, even though we belong to different departments, but we need to work together…you please get settled down today, I will bother you from tomorrow onward…” -she just smiled and the impact of her smile was such the demons inside me for her since that day of dejection became pious…


Next day onward I started exploring Ruchi more and more…she was a warehouse of wisdom in both technology and industry domain, a poet, very down to earth, a good public speaker and a very caring, God-fearing personality having huge respect towards her parents. … She was very caring and devoting… can do anything for anyone of her own and this was the reason why her ex-husband had taken advantage of her innocence, …but now, she had become wise and had learnt how to maintain her dignity and self-respect. Any guy coming to her contact, was having great respect towards her, definitely she was a dream girl for any guy…but she was not interested in all these, whenever she was getting time, was remaining busy among orphans and old senior citizens, trying to fill the gap in their lives…! She was eight years younger than me, and I was looking much older as compared to her, it’s because of my over-drinking habit, which I had started after getting separated from Tia, as a result of which I had added some unnecessary extra weights in my body…It didn’t take much time to become a good friend of each other...


“Life is very beautiful…everything happens for a reason at perfect time, the only thing is that we have to recognize the message behind it and to utilize it in a right direction… instead of losing hope in life…every morning we are born again and we should give a chance to our self what matters the most… you may have a fresh start any moment you choose and for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down… You were not born on earth to please anyone; you have to live life to express yourself, not to impress someone. Don't pretend to be someone you're not, and never lose yourself in search of other people's acceptance and approval. Be with someone who inspires you and makes you be the best version of yourself.


Never judge yourself as stuck …or out of chances to create happiness in your life. You have the ability to heal, transform and evolve…Don’t let the unkind voices in your head mess you up. Your life matters, you are made up stars. Shine brightly. The World needs you. Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth.


You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. Why not again a new life with a girl of your choice…! I know your choice… we all want you to settle down again, here we all means everyone, starting from your friends, colleagues, Dr. Sarabai and myself…please tell me that don’t your parents want you to settle down… then why are you restricting yourself so much…Please don’t make your parents disheartened…what is their mistake…Tia left you…it does not mean that your parents will get the punishment…!Everything is settled down now…now it’s a time to have a happy life…” -she kept quite suddenly, might be after feeling that I was quiet…


After a few minutes of silence, when I realized that she was quiet I started “Then why don’t you start your life again…?”

“I am a girl… a second time will never happen in my life, but you are a guy, you can make it anytime when you want... it just needs your acceptance towards life…You have everything…you are a good person…you deserve to get all the happiness…Please don’t say ‘No’….“ -she pleaded in front of me…


“Who will marry to this old guy…”- I asked

“A very beautiful girl of your choice… A smart, stylish, young and singer…a girl of your choice…we will search…Dr. Sarabai has told me everything….”-she told


“You please quit drinking and start your physical activities…then is there any girl in this world who will not beg for you…! You are such a nice person…!” -she said by encouraging me so much..

“Oh… is it…”- I asked

“Yes…”-she said

“Do you want me to quit drinking…” – I asked her…

“Yes, definitely…”-she said

“Then…done” – I replied back


“Are you sure…?”- she asked again having a doubt in her voice…

“I am an Aries Man…I can do anything, once I take the vow…” – I said so proudly…

“Thank you…” -she said while giving her that sweet smile, which gives me strength to conquer an Empire for her…


“Ruchi, will you allow me to compose few music for your lyrics…” – I asked her after gathering some courage to ask her this question…

“Who told you that I write poems…”-she asked surprisingly…

“I saw in your linkedin profile” – I replied gently…


“Oh yes, those are lying idle…if those can get life by your music, then definitely I would be happy. You can take those and give those your name…..”-she just said casually…


After three months, when after attending my music concert she had told me ”You are such a great music composer and singer, I didn’t know…really you deserve a good singer too…”, I could not tell her how much I like her…just kept my feelings within myself, but I had left drinking and was looking handsome and young than before. Everything was for her, but was not able to tell her…some kind of insecurity or inferiority, was making me shy to tell anything to her.... when she was in need of a ray of hope in life, so that she could live her life, that time i had left her alone..., but now she had become my only source of hope to live a new life. I had married Tia because I wanted to live with her, but now I feel, I cannot live my life without Ruchi….


Day by day she was becoming closer to me….”I feel very secure with you, so I chat a lot with you or else I don’t talk with any guy. You can block me on WhatsApp if I bother you…I know that I disturb you a lot…”-one day she wrote me in WhatsApp…

“Why do you feel secure with me…?” -I asked her


“Because I am not of your choice and you will never like me. As per your criteria…I am not smart…I am not young…I am not stylish…I am not a singer…I am not a dancer…, the way Tia was...! This is not only you, but every guy likes smart and stylish girl, but I am not…and because of this reason my ex-husband also did not like me….so I am safe with you, as I know that you do not have any expectation from me from any kind of relationship other than friendship…so, there is no chance of getting cheated by you as a friend…I am scared of being in a relationship, because I dont have anything that any guy will accept me without any expectation. When his expectations do not meet, he will start cheating me.... ... I feel safe in all relationships except the marital relationship, because all other relationships accept me the way i am without any expectation from me...I am safe with you because I know that you consider me as a good friend, without having any expectation of being in a relationship with me....I have become complete within myself...i am the best friend of myself...I dont need anyone in my life...!”-she replied back, by reading which I lost the land beyond my feet, started feeling the same emptiness in my heart, that I had felt when Tia had left me…


“You are running behind a mirage… a poisonous snake…” her words, said on that bright, dreadful morning started echoing in my ears… “Why again I made the same mistake…started running behind someone…to whom I don’t deserve…I started cursing myself…without knowing my potential, why do I always expect something who is beyond my reach….? Really, Ruchi is a very talented and beautiful girl, who deserves a young, talented guy, not me… an old man….! ”- I didn’t have any answer…just had to take some actions…


“Dr. Suprabh…you know you are looking too handsome in the photo shared in ‘Our Team’ list of our company’s website….”- I immediately blocked her on WhatsApp, after seeing this message to me from her…”What did she think herself…so much of courage to make fun of my look…!" I lost my cool…


“Dr. Suprabh has blocked her on whatsapp…this message didn’t get delivered…”- Ruchi had to realize and stop messaging me…

I had blocked her everywhere…in LinkedIn and sms service…, so that she could not be able to contact me…In office, i had made my subordinate as the single point of contact for Ruchi...!

Many days had passed over by this time and I was trying to live my life without Ruchi….


“Dr. Suprabh, this was a wish from Ruchi that I am conveying you to have a very happy new married life…she had left this message for you, before leaving to United Kingdom, today morning…. She tried a lot to reach you, but couldn't….so left this message with me…” -One fine morning, Dr. Sarabai conveyed me…


“Is she getting married and for this reason she flew for UK…?” – I asked back to Dr.Sarabai, immediately feeling a pain in my heart of suspecting her marriage news…


“No, she left India for a new assignment and this time her parents are also with her…so, definitely she is not getting married, but shifted to have a better career opportunity”- I felt little relaxed after hearing from Dr. Sarabai that Ruchi was not getting married, as I was not able to accept that she would become someone's else....!


Why again after three years…


Dr. Sarabai gave me the research paper done by Ruchi…till how many days I have to carry that pain within my heart and she is coming to my memory with her virtuous smile, I run behind her, as I start running behind her…she disappears after few moments…still I run behind her and one day I discover that she can never be mine by realizing that I was running behind a mirage and each time she makes me bleeding and leaves me hurt in the wound which can never be cured… Ruchi, I want to meet and ask you one question that were you also feeling the same , the way I was, to realize which I took a long time.... that you could not come out from your past dreadful experience because of what you were under impression that I didnt like you, because you were not stylist, in the same way I assumed that you like only materialistic relationship like Tia.... ! I dont know whether i will be able to convince you or not because i have left you during your down time and also lost your trust as a good friend when i stopped talking with you, without understanding you, but I like you, the way you are, I might be much more elder than you, or might be a good professional or might be a good medical research scholar, but I was quite immature to build your trust for me, so that you could have also start believing in a new relationship, which you had build within me.....Relationship can not be build on any kind of materialistic World or temporary attraction or infatuation, but is based on only mutual understanding and trust. I had left you alone, the day you were on need of a support shoulder, later you became so much supportive to me that even after three and half years, my eyes and my heart miss you...they need your support. You are the only one to manager my anger, my stubbornness and my madness about research, because you have that power to understand me...The only one thing i can tell you now is that please come back to me, take the ownership of our lives to live together....I have been never so scared of losing something in my entire life, then again nothing in my life has ever meant as much to me as you do.


“Ruchi… I am helpless…I need you in my life…You only showed a new ray of hope in my life and you only made me a dried leaf…, I miss you a lot…I love you…will be always in love with you till the last breath of my life….” -your Dr. Suprabh


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