Pluses & Minuses

"You either get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt with you and allow it to make you a better person or allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you". 
Aparna read the quote twice, it struck a chord deep within her. It shook her out of the self-imposed lethargy that she allowed her life to slip into and made her sit up and think.
"How had things come to this pass?", she wondered. Peering at herself in the mirror, she looked in vain for the sparkling eyes and cheerful face of years gone by; but a tired, unhappy visage stared back. When and how had this happened? Well, if she was honest with herself, she knew the answers to both. Her inability to stand up for herself.
School and college had been a breeze. Though never academically inclined (much to her parents' regret) she nevertheless had made a name for herself on stage in school. The acting was in her blood. With the enthusiasm of a baby seeing his apple mash, she had dived into the Dramatic society of her college. With an eye on NSD (National School of Drama, for those who came in late)after graduation, she had set about building up a sizeable portfolio.
Well, Man proposes, God, disposes! Though her parents had no objections to her pursuing her hobby (their term)as long as she got decent grades, a career in "acting" (live or otherwise) was a complete no-no! No amount of cajoling, throwing tantrums, threatening to go on a" fast-onto-death" worked. A gap year followed. But her parents didn't budge. Now looking back, she wondered why didn't she rebel then?Maybe it was the conditioning, or the fear of rocking the boat, or simply not having the guts to venture out alone; that made youth (most) of her generation toe the line.
She recalled the mantra that she lived her life by, "the purpose of our lives is to be happy". So, when had she lost the plot? Was it when she gave up on her dreams of a career or when she gave in to her parents' demand to 'settle down' in time? Why had she just gone with the flow and not asserted herself, when she was so looking forward to a career in performing arts? She loved acting (still did), performing in front of a live audience was an unparalleled thrill in life; but she gave up all that meekly when her parents disapproved of her choice of career! "Girls from families like ours (huh?) don't get into this field, "was the argument with which she was blackmailed by her parents. Oh! If only she had followed her heart, things would have been so different today.
But Que sera…. What will be will be! She had given in and married "before it was too late"! Life became hectic and busy thereon. With a newly-minted husband and household to take care of, she barely had the time to think, let alone pursue her passion. If she had any misgivings about, 'what could have been' she brushed them under the carpet and resolutely immersed herself in her married life! 
Life, they say, is like a game of poker, you have to play the hand you are dealt! Her husband Vikram , though sympathetic about her creative aspirations, didn't really push the boundaries. Realizing that she had no other option but to make "mojitos" out of the lemons handed to her, she immersed herself in looking after the family and put her life on a back burner.
And what a backburner it turned out to be! Thirty years flew by; children grew up, made their career choices, and flew the roost. No talk here of "before it's too late".
Now at the cusp of her fifties, she was staring at a long lonely life ahead. The years that had kept her busy with school schedules, homework, projects, and endless tiffins were days of the past. The comforting blanket of clockwork routine whisked away and bereft of all things familiar; she felt an acute sense of loss of 'what could have been".
Marriages, they say are made in heaven, but then you have to live them on Earth! She and Vikram, not having many things in common, to begin with (as is with most arranged marriages)  had drifted several pages apart. She suddenly realized that she was stuck alone with a man, who all these years later was still wanting her to be someone she wasn't.
She had always known that if she wanted the rainbow, she had to put up with the rain. But how do you make a man who didn't have one artistic bone in his body understand the allure of stage? The thrill of performing to a live audience? The exhilaration of receiving thunderous applause? The feeling of being alive in every pore of your body? She knew she had herself to blame. She had not been assertive enough, to insist on having a life of her own; an identity away from his.
Suddenly it hit her. The hollowness of her existence took her breath away. Though, for the world at large, they ticked all the right boxes, successful career(his), happy household, enviable lifestyle, et all; but it was a wallet bulky with only small change! She was with a man who did not want to move out of his comfort zone, not pushing the boundaries of his dated thinking.
His argument that it was not a career for a senior counsel's wife to follow just did not cut ice with her. How would she pursue a career in theatre raise eyebrows? And why? What was so unacceptable about it? It was difficult to reconcile to the fact that education doesn't necessarily lead to wisdom. His insistence that people looked up to him and it will bring disrepute to the family if she pursued a career on stage made her gape in disbelief. She envied today's generation, they get to live life on their own terms, and no "expectations please" is their anthem. She loved the fact that their diktat was "Live and let live "and were most unjudgmental and accepting of all! If only, societal pressures did not dictate life-forming decisions some decades back too, it would not have been "the road not taken".
Standing at the abyss of a cliff today, she realized that she had to take the reins of her life in her hands. In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take. This was her time, to break free of the brain numbingly tediousness of her life How exasperating it was to find ways to keep busy by doing and re-doing the house! She wanted to scream out her frustration that she too had only one life, and she didn't see anyone giving her another "chance" at life! Not for her to be only a wife and a mother.
Turning a blind eye to his disapproval (and his characteristic sulking), she began by contacting her friends who had always prodded her to follow her craft. She was not naïve enough to believe she could take off from where she had left. There was hard work ahead, auditions to give, rejections to face, but yes, she was prepared for it all. Years had passed, she had to prove herself all over again.
Oh! and the delight of it all. She felt as if she was waking up after years of debilitating coma. She could feel the spring in her step again, the endless rounds of auditions were invigorating; it was as if she was on a drug called 'life'. The daily chores were done with; she would sail forth happily trudging from one company to another. The world of movies had never attracted her, not for her performing in front of a deadpan camera; she craved for a live audience! The interaction with the people watching you perform was indescribably exciting. And finally, the day arrived when she landed her first role! Though comprising of only a few scenes, she knew it was the beginning and it was all that mattered.  
She knew all too well that there must be innumerable women like her, who have buried their ambitions, their passions to fall in line with their families' beliefs and orthodox thinking. Societal norms are crushing, you cannot complain; you just have to grin and bear it. But, she wanted to shout from the rooftops that it's OK to live for yourself, to be ambitious, to have a life beyond husband and children. It's not a crime to think about your happiness, because if you are not happy how can you make anyone else happy? She had managed to break free from the shackles and had grabbed her chance just in time before she could be sucked deep into the quicksand of societal expectations and norms. She had regained the grip on her life and she just hoped other women would too before it's too late for them!