The Last Confession

Sukmiya was counting her breath. Her body was shrinking and each hiccup was like a struggling gasp for life.The doctor who came to check on her every noon and night like a ritual declared that she doen't have time. Fool he was to conclude that Sukmiya is going to give up soon. What does he know about moh maya? Had he seen beyond his specs of syringe and injection, would he know how the world is binded into a tight knot of emotions.

But Sukmiya doesn't care what he has to say.She never did even when he warned her before about her old age and its side effects. Her condition had been like this for over a month now and Sukmiya had this firm faith that nothing is going to happen to her until she made her last confession..until she saw him.

But somehow the doctors declaration brought an unwanted chaos in the family. Who together could outnumber the population of a district. And were now swarming around her like bees. She could not remember most of them and those she did, turned grey too. So are they waiting for her to die? Or why are they staring at her as if she is already dead? What are they mummering? Why do they have to do everything right over her head? Only because Sukmiya cannot move or blink her eyes doesn't mean that she cannot hear them. Lying like a rubber doll was a punishment age gave her but seeing her cousin-in-law crying for her since the time he walked into the room made her feel terrible. The first thing she noticed about him was that he lost all his teeth. And second that even on her death bed she had less wrinkles than him. But what bothered her was 'what was he doing there,anyways?'

Of what all had happened in the first generation of her ancestors as Sukmiya could vaguely recollect, it was his cousin-in-law, second son of his father-in-law's brother who were five of them, is the one who started the revolt in the family. They wanted partition and they got it. The land that parted broke hearts and Sukmiya's father-in-law, the eldest in the family passed away in the same year due to depression. And not long after that her husband followed him. Before that she wasn't aware of his heart being so fragile. 

A long gasp leaves her body and tears began to roll down her cheek. Roli her granddaughter wipes her eyes while Sukmiya heard her relatives discuss,

'I think she is gone.' Her sister-in-law said.

'Not now.' Second one commented.

'The things that breaks heart takes part of life too. Half went then, rest is going to go soon.' Sukmiya thought.

Mohanlal besides his crazy money minded family was survived by a wife and son. Sukmiya shouldered his duties and brought up their only son. She also got him married with a beautiful girl from next village and was blessed with four grandchildren one year after another. But just when life was adjusting in a better way another news broke her backbone. Sukmiya failed to understand, what ink God used to write her destiny or has he really forgotten to write one. It was not only her son and daughter-in-law that were roved over by a speeding car while they were crossing the road on their way to temple. With them the fate and hope of the family inhumed in dust too. Sukmiya had gone old by then and the responsibilities of her grandchildren was too big. None of her relatives who were now shedding tears of crocodile had come forward to help. Leaving Sukmiya in jeopadry of what to do next?

But as they say every dark cloud has silver lining. Roli, her eldest grandchild who was only eleven when her parents passed away took the little cubs under her wings. She fed them. Cleaned them up. Dressed them. Sent them to school while she stayed at home taking care of chores just like her mother did. The responsibility she carried may not be her choice but, with the perfection and dedication she did surpise Sukmiya. In Roli, she saw hint of her reflection of her young times. But to Sukmiya's delight Roli surpassed her in many ways. She had no idea when Roli learnt cooking and the neatness in her sewing too was extraordinary. Although filled with guilt that Sukmiya couldn't give her the childhood the other three was enjoying:- Roli missed schools...she stopped making friends and became a full time guardian for her siblings. But since, her contribution was bracing Sukmiya both morally and physically she chose to gulp the bitter hard fact down her throat. With Roli by her side, Sukmiya could concentrate on fields. Her family was lucky enough to get a huge portion of wheat field in bifurcation which was too big to be managed by an old woman alone. Yet, Sukmiya revived her old skills which she learnt after the death of her husband and tried to provide the family with three meals a day.

The old bones shivered with the reminiscence of old time struggle. Sukmiya squinted and was relieved to find Roli beside her. How does she apologize for the injustice she has done to her little bird, who is so soft...so innocent...a God sent angel. And the wound of the guilt was so deep inside, that Sukmiya's body expressed it by jolting violently. She hiccuped and with it her back literally lifted up in the air and after a huge gasp her body slammed down on the hard bed of the hospital.

'This is the last...this is the last...' someone cried from behind.

'Not so soon...not until I tell him whatever I had to. It's been ages since I had kept it in my heart. I saw him walking inside. I am sure it was him, then where did he go?'

Sukmiya thought she would ask Roli to call all her grandchildren near her. But when she squinted they were already around her. Sadly, Sukmiya was in such a state where she couldn't wipe their eyes nor can hug them to console. She was bound by the bed and could only roll her eyes to see each one of them. Vaguely remembering her life with them.

Rama began to furiously rub her grandmothers arm. 'She is geting cold.' Rama thought and she immediately leaped to the old woman's feet and began to rub it too. Second to Roli, their gradmother's news didn't go well with Rama. Sukmiya could see the pain of her death on her face. She was round and literally orange in colour. Her face flushed red whenever she was worried. And today Sukmiya could make out that Rama is literally going to bleed if someone touched her. Rama was far delicate than Roli but if one saw the other side than if Rama had been the eldest child, then she would have done the same thing which Roli did. Now mother of a four year old son and expecting her second child, Rama too had that same motherly instinct in her. It was a gift both the girls got from their mother. Which Rama besides taking care of her son doesn't hesitate to show it to the kindergarten children of the school where she is the class teacher and her husband, a science teacher.

Holding Rama's hand was Uttam, her third grandchild. Uttam lost his hair when he was twenty that made him look older than his other siblings. He was round like Rama but comparatively less attractive. However, one should never go for his looks. His calm attitude and composed tone imprints his personality over people's mind for a long time. And the intelligence beneath it can startle anyone. He knew the exact recipe to turn green into gold. And somewhere Sukmiya gave him the credit for all the crowd he pulled around her. They were there to sympathize with him over her her pitiful condition, so they can benefit in return.

As Sukmiya squints her eyes to her left, right beside her arm was Manish. The youngest and naughtiest of all. Who Sukmiya got glimpse of for the first time in twenty years. She did not need Uttam to drag him to her bed so she can see him properly. It's him she had been missing the most. Holding her breath for her last confession.

When Uttam returned home with bleeding nose and swollen lips, Sukmiya could not believe that a six year old Manish could actually do that. Being the youngest Manish was also the most pampered one. It was not only Sukmiya who showed extra care for him but his elder sisters a synonym of sacrifice and care and Uttam too did everything to make him feel special. He got an extra spoon of ghee over his chapati when others were satisfied with plain roti. Where others slept on the floor, granny made him a bed of her stomach so his soft skin wouldn't itch. But Manish out of his innocence, always took their love for granted. Their pamper began to take a negative shape in his attitude and very soon Manish learnt his own way of getting things done. Or, to say he became one of those stubborn child who wouldn't give up until his demands were met. He laughed with all whenever he was in good mood. And made the girls cry whenever his personality took a shift. But never,even for once, did any of her other grandchildren ever complained to Sukmiya about him.

Although their dropped faces did elaborated the story. Manish did suffer from mood swings. No one can ever predict which colour hovers over him at what time of the day. If a minute ago one can spot him comb Roli's hair. In just the another he can be caught pulling her braids as if they were horses reign. 

Once Manish had chopped Rama's hair while she was sleeping. Next day he excused that the teacher in school asked him to arrange a fake beard for a role of sadhu in school drama. Well excepted, Rama and everybody laughed on his innocence. That day granny told Rama that he was too small to be scolded and make things understood. Once he grows up he will know it automatically.

And now when Sukmiya scans his face with her wet eyes she can make out how much he has changed. He was tall, dusky and well built like his father but he had a long beard too that covered his soft cheekw which Sukmiya used to kiss often.

'Where had you been all this while? What did you eat ? On whose stomach did you sleep?' Sukmiya wanted to ask him so many things but, her condition refrained her. She was getting cold and colder and soon she would be gone. On seeing Manish she wished if someone can really read her mind and speak it out to him.

What wrong did she do that he punished her? Her eyes were forever stuck on that door waiting for him to come back. And look now when he is back, nothing is the same. Tears cascaded down Sukmiya's cheek which Roli was wiping continuously.

She wished she could apologize to her grandson. She shouldn't have scolded him. He was too small to understand things and most importantly he paid the price for others mistake. She wanted to tell him that she knows it all. She heard those boys talking in the yard behind their backyard.They were three of them. And she could only caught hold of the one who said, the girl was Jhansi ki rani and when she recovers, he is going to revenge on her. He and his friend's fate was left on panchayat to decide but by the time the truth unvelied it was too late.

Like everyday, when Sukmiya returned home from the field, before preparing dinner she sat with lanterns. She began to clean the glasses while Roli like always sat with her grandmother, checked the kerosene and adjusted the wick. It is then Manish came running inside from the backdoor. Sukmiya remembers warning him against using back entry. He gave her an innocent smile in return, which confused Sukmiya whether he heard her or not heard her at all. Then he sat on her lap and played with her wrinkled cheeks. He enjoyed pulling it and then see how slowly it settled over her bones. When Sukmiya was done with the cleaning thing she asked Roli to light up all the lanterns and then keep them in all corners of the house and to bring one inside the kitchen. After five minutes Sukmiya heard Roli scream. She came out running from the kitchen and caught Manish with her braids looped around his small fingers. Sukmiya remembers warning him but doesn't exactly remembers what did she say. May be she asked him to leave the place...no...may be she asked Roli to do so. 

Over the years Sukmiya's brain had worked too much to remind her things in detail but she remembers that after that she went back to the kitchen. After ten minutes she heard another agonizing scream from Roli. This time the sight of the blazing backyard took her by shock. Before the old bones could reach out for Roli's help she gave Manish two solid blows right on his face and asked him to get out of her sight. Then she picked up the bucket filled with water kept near the well and threw it on Roli. On hearing their grandmaa shout, Uttam and Rama who were playing in the front yard ran inside the house and by then almost half of the backyard was turned into ashes. Because of the wheat haystack they had stocked in there the blaze began to paw sky like ferocious beast. Without wasting a second Rama grabed the bucket and started pulling out water from the well. Uttam then passed the bucket to his grandmother who was taller than him to try for an exact shot on the fire ball. With the help of kids and few neighbours who saw black cloud raging up towards their home, it took almost an hour and half to bring the fire into smouldering state. When the dusty smoke began to rise from the rubbles she asked Manish to get out of her sight before she looses her mind. Uttam who watched Manish run out ran after him to only return with a bruised face. Sukmiya did not know what to do? To take care of Manish ...her home...or Roli who was lying unconscious? Then Sukmiya picked up Roli inside the room while Rama ran out to call the doctor. The doctor who later treated Uttam had nothing good for the family. They did not knew how to take the news. Roli recieved third degree burn and she will remain like this forever. Forever. 

 Sukmiya shivered in inside thinking about the day. 

'I am ok grandmaa,' Roli said wiping her grandmaa's cheek as if she could mirror her mind. 

'I know dear but I've to make things right before I go. But I don't know how?' Sukmiya talks to her in her mind and wished Roli could hear it too and speak on her behalf.

She wanted to tell Manish that she was wrong when she thought it was his nuisance that led to the tragedy. Of what she thought then, that, when Roli went to hang lantern in the shed Manish's silly prank must have startled her and made the lantern fall on the pile of hay which led to the fire. But only when she discovered the truth, life with weight of guilt became difficult for her. It were those boys who sneaked inside the house from the back door that Manish left open earlier by mistake is what startled Roli. As one of the boy tried to bribe Manish who knew nothing about their evil plan, by asking him to stay quiet for which he was going to pay him two candies, the other two boys dragged Roli in the dark corner of the shed. Roli gave them a tough fight and in the process the lantern fell on hay that caught fire in no time. Which along with half of their house ate her too.

Sukmiya wanted to ask Manish if he could ever forgive her and come back to their house. As her eyes freezed on him, she was left with other unspoken questions in her mind.

'Let's go grandmaa,' Roli held out her tiny hand to Sukmiya which she held with reluctance.

'Do you think he is ever going to forgive me?' Sukmiya finally spoke the words taking a last look of her grandchildren before leaving. And watched Manish weep like the six year old child just the way he did before running away.

'I think he has already.' said the eleven year old Roli, clasping her grandmaa's pinky finger as together they began to walk out into nothing.