Misplaced Goodbye!

I wasted sometime at the office and then came back home walking. I didn't want to reach anywhere that day. The air was brimming with nostalgia. The sweet smell of summer that was to arrive. The leaves speaking the unsaid, the wind writing poetry on the grass. Trees tried not to give away their dejection on their inability to whirl like the winds and arrive like the summer.

I have been waking up at 7 in the morning, exercising, meditating and feeling good. But this evening, the dancing cold wind, it touched old memories sitting, more precisely hiding, at the core of my heart. I remember myself. The real me who is crazily in love with every small quirk, the nature has at display.

So, this evening, I want to roam around the streets, towards more of the empty roads rather than these bustling ones. But for now, till the time I walk and reach home on this straight stretch this noise is also fine because I would concentrate on the music pouring inside my head through my new-lost-gifted-new earphones. As I move, I wonder if I am the one moving or the world around me moves backwards with each passing moment. It recedes away from me as I deny any chance to change. I hopelessly grab on to moments but realize that they were never here to stay. The world, this time will pass me by. It's not my choice to allow change, as they say, change is the only constant. " 'Cause you're a sky full of stars", the Coldplay tells me and I believe. And so I reply to the retreating moment, "Go on and tear me apart, I don't care if you do, 'cause in a sky full of stars, I think I saw you".

Strolling over my thoughts, stumbling the route, as I reached my flat, I saw the lights in her room and the uneasy child in me knew that it was her that needed to hear all this. I decided that we will go for a walk as we used to. It has been long since we roamed the roads peeping through rich people's curtains to have a glimpse of the perfect creative rooms we dreamed of living in someday. Of the guys we thought we should marry to have all that money. Of the deliberate stupidities we had committed all our lives. To talk about our pity for the people we live with who unlike us, don't know that they are stupid. Or more truly it was me who needed to say all this. I rushed up the stairs, threw my bag on the bed and stormed in her room, only to find out that she was leaving. All her things sat cuddled, messed, loaded, crammed, scouring all over the room. I didn't have the courage to admit she was actually leaving. And that today was the day. The day of the kissing winds, staring stars and lost abandoned roads.

Before the goodbye, she went into the balcony via my room, We both stood there feeling the air, the sky, the stars, the memories. I couldn't stand the moment. The breath was heavy. Everything blurred. Uneasiness blinded the mind. The denial. The absence. The uncertainty. The anxiety. My words stopped making sense to me but thankfully they were still making sense to the outer world. I needed the sense till the time she leaves. I can't cry. I am a strong girl everyone knows. How could I have betrayed that. Each stair felt like a moment lost. A person lost. Her stuff sat in the car comfortably along with her family.

I saw her leave. That’s what I wanted to do. To wash the guilt of the times I didn't.

The lights of her room were on. I pushed the half open gate and the emptiness of the room came piercing through the chaos inside. The room was me. Empty. It had a story to tell about how people come and take away a part of it every time they leave. It will wait there only for someone to stroll through the abandoned roads and stare back at the stars through its window. Till then, I sat on the bed and cried because I wanted to. I needed to.

Peace!