Memoirs Of A Broken Soul
Memoirs Of A Broken Soul3 mins 405 3 mins 405
Let's start at the very beginning...
My name is Maria O’Hare and I am 30 years old and I live in County Down in Northern Ireland. I am a mental health advocate with several mental illnesses, which we will come to know as I give a bit of life background first so you can understand where my poetry comes from.
I was born in 1988, my mother married my dad in 1990 and they went on honeymoon following their wedding, my dad tragically died following a skiing accident aged only 23 during their honeymoon. This meant my mother was not mentally stable to raise me, so I was raised by my maternal grandparents. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child.
Later in life I met my first partner whom I was with for 7 years and I have two beautiful children with. We were engaged to be married, but not long before we were to be wed I had a mental breakdown leading to nine consecutive psychiatric hospitalisations equating to two years of my life. Throughout this period of time I made ten attempts to take my own life due to severe depression and psychosis I was diagnosed primarily with bipolar disorder type 1, psychosis, agoraphobia and PTSD.
While trying to recover from being so severely mentally unwell, I met my next partner who suffered with schizophrenia and was terminally ill with cancer. I nursed him at home while trying to keep hold of my sanity until he was hospitalised in a Marie Curie hospice and passed away aged 25. This led me to another breakdown under which I made some very bad life decisions. I then ended up in a domestically abusive relationship which I was lucky to get out of in one piece. I was delusional in a psychosis, I believe, in an attemp to reside consciously in another reality, as the truth of my life was impossible to bare.
Today I live with my current partner of two years and I am happy but my health has took a turn for the worse physically. I have being having dissociative seizures and am being tested for other forms of epilepsy, and am awaiting a final diagnosis of fibromyalgia with chronic pain, and possibly some form of arthritis.
I used to study law at Queen's University in Belfast averaging a first class honours on all of the parts of the degree I had completed. Due to my health, I could not continue my degree meaning, I had no choice but to drop out. So now, I am a writer of poetry. I wrote my first poem during a mixed episode of bipolar disorders with psychosis while detained in a psychiatric ward. I was so mentally unwell I didn't even really know where I was yet I was able to write perfectly coherently. My writings became my release for all my pain and suffering and I don't know where I would be without it today. They were my only true form of expressing how I really felt inside the prison of a traumatised and suicidally depressed mind. They were my only truth.
I know I have had a hard life, but I would not change my past for anything as it has made me the strong and unbreakable woman I am today and my wounds have become my wisdom.
I use twitter to reach out to others with mental health problems and I promote suicide prevention as I attempted to take my own life on about ten different occasions during my worst episodes of bipolar disorder. I have nearly 25,000 twitter followers. I also run a website for individuals to share their experiences of mental illness in an aim to break down the barriers of stigma associated with mental health. I also have my own blog. I am a poet, and it was my writing that saved me in my darkest of days. I will be publishing my first book in the summer of this year which is called Reflections.
They say that a diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. I have learned now that I nothing life can bring could ever break me now after what I have been through. But I always remember that it could have been worse.