Losing Senses

As I entered the park; the spotlight was on me. All the eyes struck on me and I became the focal point. My barely alive leg took me near the bench. The facial expressions around probably wondered which type of animal is this? My hoodie covered my bald head. My saliva constantly dropped while mom tried to wipe it out with a napkin. Many times people thought I was babyish. But that wasn’t the case. My hand nerves did not send an impulse to the brain. How could I even convey this? My vocal cords did not vibrate. All I had in my life was the word ‘NOT’.

As I grew older; I lost my senses. I was just left with my ears working and my eyes able to capture the exclusion of people. The kids around were playing. I wish I could also hold the cricket bat and hit certain shots. Kids my age always made me feel I did not fit in. Nobody ever gave me a smile or invited me to play. Kids come later, but neither my family ever made me feel that I belong to this world. Well, they gave their best to do so but they also wanted something perfect unlike me. 

I hear my granny telling the relatives. When I was born, everybody around was holding me in their two hands. Their smiles beyond their expectations. After a few weeks I was again in the hospital in a small container which was made up of glass. They call it ICU. People rarely go there and this is a closer step towards death. After this, everybody was tense, and the reality broke their expectations. I was left with an alive dead body. Here I got a tag ‘rotten’. 

Once, dad bought a bicycle. I wanted to take a ride. I went towards it with excitement. 

“Hey, it’s not for you idiot,” my sister said, pushing me back. My eyes couldn't stop donating water to her actions. 

“Why did you push him? Is this the way you should be behaving?” I heard mom shouting.

“Mom, it's so embarrassing,” my sister stated. I wondered about the embarrassment. Probably, her friends teased her just because she has a disabled brother. Bad reason. Will she ever regret this? Maybe yes, after I die!

After a while, my legs were packed. I had to go home from the park. I slept till night; eyes closed, but thoughts open. I could not sleep much. But just to avoid those worried faces of my parents; I had to act. We had dinner. I again went to sleep. Suddenly my nerves stiffened. I felt as if all the nerves in my body were tightened using a cloth. Abruptly, my hand cells started itching. My ear sensed some movement. I felt as if a gang of caterpillars rushed through my ear. The pain was equivalent to someone inserting a huge piece of wood in the ear. I could not yell. All I could do was digest the pain through breathing. Probably, I was experiencing the last moments of pain in my life. When I tried to move; I fell off the bed. Mom, who was sleeping soothingly after the hectic day, woke up. Again, another victim of me being guilty. Anxiously, mom and dad took me to bed. 

“What happened Sweetheart, are you alright?” dad asked.

I couldn't reply. I tried to tilt my head to convey I was in pain. Mom understood. A saliva foam released from my mouth. I could see mom panicking. My eyes started blurring. A sound of tinnitus pierced through my ear to the other like a bullet from a gun.

I was in the hospital bed with tangled saline wires surrounding me. The hospital was as quiet as a room filled with mute people. From the dark midnight, now the sun rays penetrated on my bed. I could see mom and dad with gloomy eyes. I understood they had not slept for the past 8 hours. As usual, they must have rushed to the hospital at midnight to make sure that I stayed alive. This had been their routine. I never wanted to trouble my parents; who worked so hard all day. But it just happened.

My body was laying on the bed and the pain pierced through my nerves. Mom came with some tea and she said something. I couldn’t hear it. All I could see was her mouth saying something. She wrote on a tissue paper. ‘Sweetheart, you have lost your hearing sense’. This wasn’t a big shock for me, but a normal phenomenon. Another ‘NOT’. I am useless, as my relatives often indicate. All my life I never gave any happiness. All I gave was stress, anxiety, and disappointments. Over their pain, my pain was hidden. No doubt when I die; the pain will also die.