Let Us Pull This String Apart

There was a cacophony of familiar ravenous chaos, that unsparingly swarmed across those depths of my mind while faint yet fierce streaks of the dawn began to pierce through the lids of my eyes. Turning my face towards the other side of the bed, I couldn’t help but trace the flawlessly kempt heaving of your chest with those naked eyes of mine while those insides of mine never ceased to squirm from the anguish of my mind. I trailed those stoic tips of my fingers along the side of your face as you laid there right beside me reeking of nothing but a serene placidness, while I burned with the agonizing bitterness of the truth that remained patent yet shrouded amid us.

And there love, I couldn’t outlast the fervent yearn to place that cold hand of mine atop yours that held nothing but warmth for me, and there those fingers of mine persistently ached to be entwined with those of yours – but then I couldn’t help but rend myself away from you, for now, it was time to pull this string apart forever – the string that kept suspiring between us silently yet palpably, before it ate away every bit of the love that the soul of yours held, and rendering you just like me – irreparably empty and broken.

Laying flat on my back, I felt you reaching towards me tentatively yet with the fervency of holding me tight and fastened to that chest of yours. I felt your arm encircling me slowly while your breaths soothed the flesh of my throat but my love, I couldn’t help but stare hard – not at the beauteous serenity that the face of yours had etched across it but at the whitewashed ceiling above me. My eyes gazed at those several blaring rays that were sprawled across the ceiling, casting a soft luster around the whole room of yours; and there I could see those countless fragments of our past enlivening right behind those lids of mine only to spit driblets of malice at me. I could hear those countless fragments of our past roaring to life once again right hither and thither around me only to bawl with fury at me. And, I could feel that battered and broken being of mine writhing and wrenching with those very fragments of that past of ours while it begged for these strings to be pulled apart that laid between us before you became nothing but a mere mirror of mine – absolutely incapacitated to love anyone altruistically with a being scarred from the wretchedness of life.

Hence my love, let us walk away from one another for this fate of mine couldn’t be sealed with that of yours; as it would only bring disaster to the world of yours that you had built with the sheer bliss of completeness- that reigned every inch of your being and never once letting you get the slightest taste of what it was like to be scarred with brokenness. It would only bring devastation to the world of yours that had never torn down into shards while fighting through every storm and splore of life, rather was adorned with umpteen memories that you had made throughout these years of your life- marvelous and soothing memories that never caused your mind to growl and grumble with any demon that was left behind from those battles of survival that you had always conquered with the combative zeal of yours. Whereas my world was nothing but just a pit of crumbled and shriveled remnants of that being of mine that was mercilessly crushed while fighting through every storm and splore of life that I had never been able to vanquish with those dampened surviving spirit of mine. My love, this world of mine held only barrenness that I had once attempted to erase with the blossoms of valor and courage only to be left in a phantom of dismay that had devoured the will of fighting through every odd of this life of mine.

Hence my love, let us avert this gaze away from one another for those eyes of mine couldn’t afford to be drowned in the vast oceans of sanctity and solace that those brown and honey-like orbs of yours held, as they reflected the foreign hues of a love that seemed to be immensely capable of fulfilling every dream of mine that had once been brutally smashed to smithereens by the ruthless thorns of life- until their shreds were the only things to be left behind with the sole purpose of pricking those eyes of mine, and causing them to sting with the crave for slumber that had forsaken me while paving my way out of every misery that marked the innumerous lost battles of my heart and life. Those eyes of mine couldn’t immerse in the glint that the gaze of yours always cast while seeing through me, for it would only darken the illuminated depths of your eyes – as they had never burned from the embers of failures that never stopped abstaining you from living life to the fullest, without those uncountable rues and regrets from the past that kept resurfacing every time you shut those eyes of yours. Whereas my eyes only knew to mirror the hollowness that had been embedded in its depths every time I was hurled flat on my face while collapsing under the weight of this life that was composed of everlasting scars of vanquishment and none of the triumph that would make me beam with contentment. These eyes of mine only had shades of darkness painted across them that never gleamed with any ray of hope that I could latch onto at times when life had gone way too harsh on me.

Hence my love, let us never hold these hands of ours for I couldn’t muster the courage to bask in the warmth of that touch of yours, as it always knew how to wipe off the coldness that had been inked upon those insides of mine from years of living through an abyss of emptiness – that this life of mine had destined me with every time I refused to give up on myself amidst the tides of agony and affliction that had crashed onto me only to be left unconquered for the rest of my life. I couldn’t let the warmth of yours that you never seemed to abandon even in the times of despair, to be imparted in every corner of me only to leave you numbed with the unnerving coldness that held the ability to blister you with an accursed emptiness that you had always been oblivious to while living that flawlessly perfect life of yours. Whereas, every touch of mine reeked with nothing but the horridness of the blankness that kept debilitating every part of me to feel the tenderness that remained dormant amid the struggles of my life, and the chaotic demons that never ceased to deaden the enthusiastic aura that once used to adorn that presence of mine.

Hence my love, let us break away from this embrace of ours; for every time those arms of yours went around my waist to keep me wrapped in them, this hollowed self of mine felt secured and shielded from every shadow of the past filled with scraps of the storms that life had hurled at me – the ones that remained in abeyance only to pounce on me and ravage every wound of mine that had barely healed while I kept weaving my way through the innumerable odds of this life of mine. And every time, that fragrance of yours intruded the barren brinks of my life while seeping through my flesh and soaking up those empty insides of mine, I could feel the lost sanity creeping its way slowly back to the corners of my mind – the very sanity that once got snatched away from me every time destiny had slapped me across this face of mine with the tormenting hopelessness while I haplessly combated those several ups and downs of my life. Whereas, this embrace of mine would offer you nothing rather would deprive you of the peace that you continued to carry right in the kernel of your being, undeniably unaware of the miseries that life could bestow ruthlessly. And whenever I would drape these apathetic arms of mine around you, the never-fading stench of my own emptiness would sink deep inside of you only to gnaw at those insides of yours that had never been set ablaze by the unremitting flames of numbness – the very one that was imprinted on this existence of mine by the multiple tussles of life that only left me with remembrances of failures and mishaps.

Hence my love, let us vow to never collide these lips of ours with one another for the curve of bliss that always tugged at the edges of your lips couldn’t melt onto the parchedness that those lips of mine cherished as the symbol of surviving through every possible thick and thin of this life. For whenever those lips of yours lingered on those of mine, I could feel the buried butterflies enlivening and fluttering in the pit of my belly, nudging me to acknowledge the beauty of smiling right at the hurdles and struggles of life – the very beauty of smiling that I had seemed to have forgotten bit by bit while pulling myself through without any anchor to that sinking soul of mine. Nevertheless, every time you would place those lips of yours upon mine all you would taste was the bitterness that had been embedded in every inch of my being for the inclemency that the universe had always treated me with every time I stood on my feet to give another shot of loving this life of mine. My love, whenever you would kiss me with the utmost devotion of yours, all you would get was the agony of living through this burdensome life of mine – that would mercilessly kill every goodness that you had always believed that the heavens had in store for every person living around the spherical mass of energy known as the beloved earth.

Hence my love, let us never morphe these bodies of yours and mine into one; for every time that flesh of yours brushed against mine I could feel the lost solace of mine crawling its way back to my insides and pulling me out of the nastiness of the past that depicted the yarns of every strained fiber of my being. Despite pushing you away from me every time you walked towards me with the salient yet profound admiration, I could feel those insides of mine twisting and turning incessantly only to be loved with every inch of your being along with that pool of dread settling in the back of my mind that this close proximity of ours would only prick the seamless flesh of yours with the shards of my own brokenness, maliciously distorting the tranquility that had always laced that existence of yours. Whereas, this body of mine was nothing but a living corpse breathing with voids that never had felt the joy of fulfillment throughout the various atrocities of this world. This body of mine couldn’t be united with that of yours for it would only devoid you of the very capability of yours to seek moments of calmness even in the worst tempests of life.

Hence my love, let us rip these souls of ours away from one another; for they could never be intertwined, perhaps not in this lifetime. Because, the moment you stepped on the threshold of the hollow pits of this soul of mine I could feel it – the pure ecstasy of being whole and complete, deafeningly rejoicing and raging deep inside of me. But my love, the union of our souls would only cause you to let go of the wholeness that resided in every fiber of your being, for you only had known to hold placidity in the core of your being and etching a kind of serenity whenever that soul of yours drifted far and wide, leaving behind a bliss of contentment that could enliven any being. And whereas, this soul of mine was only able to retain a storm that held an austerity in its core yet emanating a kind of ferocity as it wrecked through high and low, leaving behind accursed barrenness that could enervate any being. My love, the union of our soul would only cause you an everlasting ache that would crush every mirage of yours that you held so dear even when life shoved you to the worst of worst. Whereas I was never that blessed to attain the delight of living in the bubbles of sheer happiness and delusions for this joyless existence of mine always knew how to remind me of the darkness that seemed to have become the sole companion of my solitude.

Hence my love, let us never fall in love with one another; for if that heart of yours commenced to beat with that name of mine it would only be inscribed with the doom of heartache because loving me would only mean loving a being that had been smashed beyond repair – solely by the never yielding struggles and strives for making it out alive from every darkened phase of this life. If that heart of yours began to pick an erratic pace at the mere sight of mine, it would only leave you with the shreds of that heart of yours – the very heart that only knew to bear love and compassion in every chamber of it in spite of every hardship that needed to be vanquished with immense valor and will. It would only leave you stripped of every fantasy and fallacy that you kept fenced yourself with, always unaware of the cruelty that resided in the nooks of this world- for you only harbored benevolence and endurance even at the times when darkness never failed to prevail over every ray of sunshine that indicated another fresh start at life. It would only leave you with the razed naivety of yours, for you only retained innocence that had never been shredded irredeemably while fighting through one damned wretched life with minimal quotas of hope to hold onto for a while. Whereas, my heart would never be able to love you with the nasty cracks that rested upon its surface for it only knew how to bleed profusely with the numbing hollowness that had been once incised upon every inch of me by the hands of the sufferings of life that never ebbed away rather kept devouring me wholly – until I was incapable of loving anyone, let alone you without stabbing them with the ruinous daggers of my own woes and griefs. This heart of mine had utterly forgone the ability to love, for it only had been through never-ending battles to make the catastrophes of this life of mine a less bearable while breaking apart again and again – until I had forgotten how to make merry amid the thorns of this distraught life that had compelled me to become the nutshell of the girl that I once used to be.

Hence my love, let us pull this string that laid between us apart. Let us annihilate this unnamed and unknown connexion between us that had kept us strung together all this while; forever since you had invaded this life of mine with those steady and unwavering steps of yours – I could see myself dangling upon the verge of sparing yet another chance to live this life with the love that you seemed to hold so lucidly yet unrealistically. Ever since you had invaded this life of mine with the never-dying flames of hope in those eyes of yours – I could see myself slowly letting go of the strong concrete walls that had kept me cocooned only to pulverize every tad of endearment that this self of mine once used to decorate the very core of it. Ever since you had invaded this life of with that presence of yours that only brimmed over with an absence of disturbance – I could see those hideous voids that never ceased to breathe within me kept sewing one by one, giving me back that capacity of mine to fight through this hard life of mine. And ever since you had invaded this life of mine – undoubtedly naïve and unfamiliar with the incompleteness that was carved into my insides while bracing storms after storms only to be beaten irretrievably, I could see myself swimming through that perennial abyss of dread and despair. But my love, I could never see myself clutching onto that completeness of your being to salvage the broken self of mine. I could never let those complete pieces of your soul to adorn the fragmented shards of that soul of mine. I could never, my love, I could never let you relinquish that beauteousness of your existence only to salvage the remaining ounces of myself from the perpetual claws of hollowness that had now captivated the very core of my this being of mine till I breathed my last.

The sudden creaking of the bed brought me back to the truest yet illusory reality that laid in the soundness of slumber beside me. I turned once again, to look at that face of yours while my eyes moved back and forth between the arm that still remained wrapped around my waist and the body of mine that never deserved this palliative warmth and caress of yours. And yet again trailing the tips of my fingers stoically along the side of that reposeful face, I couldn’t resist the urge to plant the softest peck upon that smooth forehead of yours – perhaps for the last and final time, as the only souvenir of a fond adieu to you and perhaps as the only emblem of this discreet departure of mine.

“Hence my love, let us pull this string apart before this nameless kinship of ours ends up with the sole and comparable devastation of yours, and of that soul that had only known to live the life with the blissfulness of love and unabating strength of will. Unlike mine, that only knew to keep on surviving until this loathsome and broken self of mine finally gave up on me… “ - A voice from the back of my mind murmured meekly before I placed that arm of yours away from me and before I walked out of the room without turning back despite the searing crave to treasure one last glimpse of the soul that had the power to illuminate this darkened being of mine but only at the cost of losing the incomparable dazzle of its own entirety.