Forsaken Of Forgivance

I froze in my step gobsmacked at what I saw in front of me. I looked away and back again to make sure I was seeing the real. Of course, I was!! Blood rushed to my ears making me full of rage. And betrayal! Walking away through the corridor ahead of me was my best friend with my archenemy! No, make it our archenemies. Maybe, I was right the first time -my archenemy-since my bestie seemed to have become buddy buddy with her now. I opened my mouth to scream out her name, to stop and confront her right then and there. But I couldn't! As much as I was angry, I was hurt too and I didn't realize that until the lump in my throat choked my scream. I stomped my way to home and waited impatiently for the chance to have my undelivered scream at her. 

Diane had been my best friend since forever. We knew each other since fourth grade. And there is nothing hyperbolic in saying that there was not a single secret held between us. What I knew she knew and vice versa. After all what we have been, I just couldn't believe she was hanging with that bitch of the school, Fiona. Such a beautiful name but not a beautiful person. Oh well, she was physically beautiful alright. But not in the department of behaviour. I disliked her like everyone else including her presumptuous sidekicks, but I only started to hate her when she hurt me horribly. 

I had some skin allergy back then due to some product and fortunately it was confined to my back, chest and stomach where it couldn't be seen. But wherever it was, it was so much ugly that I cried every time I had to see it. Since the medication had to be taken thrice a day, it meant I had to take it in the afternoon when I was at school too. One such afternoon when Diane was rubbing the lotion on to my back in the restroom, Fiona walked on us. I was caught off gaurd. I immediately pulled on my shirt to cover up. But the damage was done; Fiona had seen it. I knew I was doomed. 

While in the cafeteria the next afternoon, she asked loud, from her prestigious seat, so everyone can listen, why I hadn't yet gone to treat my icky back. At that, all the noise sucked out of the room and was replaced by a numbing silence. Heads turned towards a single focal point; me. Soon, she went ahead explaining in her bitchy way that I had eczema which wasn't true at all. I said she was lying but who was to listen?? Even if most of them suspected she was lying, they would just join in the sycophant jackal laugh. As I ran out crying, trying to save my face, she grabbed me by my shirt and pulled it up to display. But I was quick and shoved her off and was out with Diane on my heels. What grief I suffered, both from that incident and the snickers, jeers and scorns that followed it, needs no description. Time moved on but that incident never left me. I will hate her forever, I had decided.

'Ok. seriously? Whats wrong?? You are sulking your way,' Diane complained.

I just Continued to look out of the window of my bedroom. 

After a lot of her incessant 'friendly' interrogation about why I was moody, I couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out.

'God Diane, I never thought you can be such a hypocrite. Seriously?? I am bloody sulking alright, but Since when did you start to lead a double life? You hurt me and act like you have no clue!! This is outrageous, ok???'

She looked at me bewildered. 'Calm down! Say what happened. I know you are angry but come on, about what?' She got off my bed and inched towards me. 

'Oh! you want me to talk?? Don't you think you should be the one talking ?? Telling new and fresh things happening around you?? God, what was I expecting? That it would be a damned mistake or something, may be Something for the first time, that you would come around to tell me all about it. Seems like this has been going behind my back since a long time. I am surely blind. How long has this been going on, Diane??? What have you been telling her about me?? That I am an idiot and blind not see you playing behind my back?? You two should have had such a laugh over it. 

'Bea, stop it!'  any attempt to cool me down in the tone had disappeared. 'Who the hell are you talking about?' there was a wee bit of scare now. 

'Oh god,' I groaned in disbelief. 'Fiona, Diane. Fiona and you. First, you conceal something and then try to deny it?? How could you?? Look, if you don't want to be my friend anymore, reasons that I am  incapable of thinking, you can just say it. I won't beg you to remain friends, ok?? Not after what I have seen of you!'

She opened her mouth contemplating. 

I cut her.  'Please, before you say anything do me a favour. Don't give me any excuses. Just say what's in your mind.'

'I am sorry you are hu...' 

'Consider this my last favour from you and stop with the sorry bugger. Ok?'

She looked around the room defeated. 'It hasn't been long. No, I don't talk about you with her. Yes, I am friends with her. But, its not like what you think it is. Not because of her fame or her potential or her status.' 

'Why didn't you tell me you are hanging out with her?? Why did you hide??'

'I didn't mean to hide. Bea... Its just..  Its tough. .. You don't understand....'

I wiped my head from staring at the floor to her. 

Her mouth worked like she wasn't sure what to say.

'I don't understand?? What I don't understand, Diane?? You?? Or your hypocrisy. I think I don't understand the latter. How can you say I don't understand something without actually trying once?? Did you base that on the previous events where I might not have been understanding?? You assess, think something of it and don't tell me? I am so sorry but I don't want to be friends with you anymore. My heart breaks to say that and to see this day, I just wish we wouldn't have become friends because it was inconceivable then and unbearable now.'

'Bea, please don't do this. Please. I didn't mean it like that........sometimes......
You know I would never hurt you. Not in a million years. Even if what I do sometimes may appear like that, I am only ....You are my best friend. Fiona ... She... She...... Nee-'

'Bugger all, Diane!' Spittle flew out of my mouth as I shouted. 'Leave out how she hurts everyone. Didn't how she humliliated me cross your mind once?? Even once as you hung out together? I don't know who's worse, you or Fiona. Get lost diane. Get lost! Now!!' I strode  to my door and held it wide open.

She stood rooted for a second confused and torn and then walked out looking at me helpless and hurt. I slammed the door the moment she inched out. And cried.

And I sat crying like a mad person. Wailing away the grief. Wishing I was in her stead. 

 

'Diane, wake up. Please wake up girly.....' I wailed pounding the coffin that separated her from me. 

Pairs of hands were  trying to break me away from there. 

'Noooooo..... Diane.....' I screamed my lungs out, trying to wrench free their grasp on me. 'you just can't leave, Diane. Please come back. Diane...'

 

'God, she's in a shock.' 

'Do something.'

'We should get a doctor.'

'Bea, baby look at me...'

A bunch of voices, all sounding distant as if from the far away hills as I thrashed myself on the casket.....and then darkness shrouded me. 

Everything was pitch dark and scary and felt forlorn. I censured myself realizing I must be lying down in my bed when my heart was wispering notes of something pensive. I opened my eyes but there was darknesss still. I moved to get up. But I stayed put.  

'Bea, You are alright.' a voice said. Atleast that was reassuring. 

It strained to open my eyes. My sight came into focus slowly. The ceiling was different. I lowered my gaze to an old man in a white coat. He was leaning over, striking the side of my face gently.

'Hello, Bea. I am your doctor, Jeremy. You are fine. Your parents are here.' he said and pointed at a couple sitting on the other side of the bed.

My parents.

'Mom, Dad,' I said weakly, holding out my hand. Thin tubes were attached to my arms.

'Its ok, baby. Its all good. How are you??' mom asked pressing her hand into mine. 

'I am... I dunno. Whats this? Am I in a hospital?? Was there an acciden.....'  I trailed off. Because I recognized those wispers of pensiveness... I wasn't in an accident. someone else was. Someone that would have been by my side, come what may, had they been there to be here.

My body rocked as I broke into heaving sobs.

 

'Bea?' A knock at my door.

'Come in, mom.'

'Breakfast is ready. I have been calling you.. Hey, Are you ok??'

I was frowning at the contents of a cardboard box that I took out from under the bed. 

'What are these, mom?' I asked, holding out the bunch of envelopes in my hand. 

'Let me see,' She walked over and After taking a look, she said, 'I put them there baby.'

'Ok.'

Mom put them there because I stopped to collect my mail. So she stashed all of them in my box.

All of them were unopened. I turned around the first of the bunch. From Fiona, and then all of them one by one. Most of them were from Fiona and a few from our family and friends. 

'Want me to bring in your breakfast?' She asked, sensing I may not get up from there for the time being. 

'No, mom. Its ok.  I will come down.'

'Ok baby.' She left closing the door behind her. 

I put all the Fiona letters to one side and opened one.

"Dear Beatrice,

I am sorry for what I have been. Please forgive me. Please give me a chance to talk.  
Hope you are fine.  -Love fiona."

Each and every letter of the lot was the same. Weird. Its so not her style to apologise. Its a chromosome missing on her DNA that stands to apologise. Out of sympathy? An alien trait to her.

Anyways, what did she want to talk about?? About how she led me through torture when I lost my bestie to her? How I felt hell-and-back-guilty when I lost her to death??
  
I put them back in the box and shoved it under the bed and went down.

That night, I lay down in my bed and think: Why does she care to remember even after she has moved out? Should I give Fiona a chance to talk?? Is she worth it? Most definitely she isn't. But, why is she pleading me to talk? Why hasn't she stopped writing to me all these months?? Even when I didn't respond? What's her problem? What is she persevering at? Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern, thrice is a habit but more is?? A trait! How has she come about one she never possessed before? And why am I even thinking of her letters? It means I am considering her request for a chance,right ?? Why would I?

As I drift away into the depths of sleep, it occurs; as those pieces that have fallen into dust rise up, what  in Fiona had the lovely Diane seen she thought Fiona needed her??  "She... She...... Nee-"

Awkward and strange and the silence was stretching. And then she broke it. 

'I am sorry.'
  
It was a shock to hear her say that aloud. 'For what exactly may I know?' I was still angry, more like hurt.

'For every single thing I have done to you. And I have done you all bad.'

No response from me.

She continued, 'Bea.., Beatrice I mean, there's something I need to tell you and what I am about to tell you doesn't justify my acts. But you should know them. Not to forgive me. But just so you know. Ok? And please, I am begging you to just listen, ok? Please!'

For once, I prayed to god, help me, just listen. I know I should have once before.

And there she laid out the entire story. Her story. She comes from a broken home. I couldn't believe that. Theirs is the perfect that is there. But theres more than meets the eye, right? And i wouldnt have believed that either in this case if she hadnt walked me through her life. A lifeless life behind the perfect façade.

They are very rich and savour all comforts in the world except peace and happiness and the like feelings. His dad beats the shit out of her mom and is free to do as he wishes, including being with which ever woman he wants. If the mom questions, asks or talks, the result is beating. She is totally bound to be what he instructs her to be. The only freedom she has is with his cards of all sorts that riches issue. Only thing she can do as she pleases, she indulges in buying and endless buying. And unfortunately the buying includes the alcohol. She become an alchoholic. 

Most days her dad is out and about on business and her mom is drunk and dispassionate about her surroundings. Sometimes she is on a wild shopping frenzy, calling over friends, Fiona doubts are truly friends, buying them things that are sky high priced so she can have some friends to her credit, going out to resorts with them. On days she manages to stay sober which happen when the dad hasn't given her a beating the day before or when she is not aware of his newest affair, for the love of her daughter, she is the best mom ever to have.  

Fiona feels uncared for. Not unloved though. She, no doubt, knows her mother loves her. And she doesn't want to think about her father. But there's no one to care for her. No one to share with. She is a lone and lonely child, confused and truamatized. She found a vent in freak-controlling and developed herself a presumptuous, domineering, ignorant attitude. 

I was controlling not to tear up. 

'Why don't your mom get out? Divorce? Or may be just separate for a while so he learns his lesson. Both of you can live on your own. Can't you?' I asked.

A small smile full of despair tugs at her lips as she said, 'It will never happen.'

'Why not? Is it the finances?'

'No. If the divorce goes through, she will get her alimony and child care support. And if she separates, there's some trust money she has.'

'But?'

Silence. Drawn.  

'She can go about neither. Its not easy. Hell, I think its not even doable.' She looks away. And continues, 'If she applies for divorce he will resist. Even if she gets the divorce.....' Tears run down her cheeks and she says sobbing, 'He will not leave her. Alone. He will find his way in. Maybe even file a custody for me. He will do anything. And the same goes for separation. She knows that. May be she even discussed that with him and in turn got a few beatings and a couple of stern threats.'

'What about the organisations? The NGOS and other stuff that say they help women??'

She shakes her head slowly like that's not an option. 'No. That won't happen. I bet she must have tried that too.'

'I am sorry.' I said for the first time and i meant it.

'Not your fault,' she waved it away. 'I tried so hard not be the way I was. So hard not to be like him. Not to let him influence me. But, I failed so miserably. Still feel like failing.'

' You say sorry and you cry for reals. You are sensitive to things now. You have changed. Or changing. I hope.'

'Yeah. And this is where comes diane.'

'Let me guess, You needed some one who can see who you really are: a helpless child on the inside. So you choose her to be that one, but why? I mean, why her?'

She smiles forlornly. 'she was the only one that believed and undertsood what I shared with her. Unlike the  others. And I chose her because she ...'

She walked around the table between and sat beside me. And took my hands in to hers.

'One day, I found her in the gym changing room. She was crying. Everyone had left school by then. On any day I would have taken up on the chance to tease her. But that day, hell broke loose at home and I was deeply agonized. When I saw her crying, I dunno... I think I felt connected. Like drawn even. I watched for a while. Then I went over and asked her what was wrong. She didn't lash out at me discounting my concern as fake, but she politely said it was nothing. But I knew there was more. I am familiar with her cry because its so much like mine at home. Not wanting to push, I just held her as she cried some more.'

At this point, i was struggling to hold my heart together. Why hadn't she come to me with whatever was bothering her? When was this? Was it after the fight? Was it about me?

Soon the questiones were answered. 

'If you are wondering, it was before you both ... Drifted. 
I feel so guilty each and every waking second knowing I was the reason behind your split. I am so sorry.' She paused a beat. 'Anyways, that incident helped me confide in Diane. Slowly, we became friends. But no one knew about that. I went over to her house. Sometimes she came to mine. And we bonded. And I made her promise not to tell any one. She asked about you but I pleaded no. This was so emotional and personal to me, Bea. So I didn't want her to. She said ok. And there's more. She also needed someone just like I needed someone.'

I stared at her dumbfounded. She had me!  Atleast, before the fight.

'Dont get me wrong. She had you. But she needed some one besides you. Not because you were not the best but because you were her best and because she didn't want to break your heart more than inevitable will. And I happened to be that other person. She shared with me the only thing she didn't and couldn't with you, Bea. And it was because she loved you and thought the best for you. When you both fell apart, she fell apart. She grieved for you more than what was pressing on her the most at the time. But she found comfort in thinking, may be, that's the best way. You know, So she would wear off you. In some way atleast. She didn't die in an accident, Bea. She died from cancer.'

'Wh....'

'Shhh..'

Even as she enveloped me in a hug, the ground beneath me seemed to quiver. My heart broke away from my struggled hold.

It was repeating all over again; The sense of loss, of love, of guilt and shame, of despair and of yearning..

Yearning for that one day, just one day, not even the entire day, just that single moment when she said, "...Even if what I do sometimes may appear like that, I am only ...PROTECTING YOU".