Faith eats on your last nerve

When faith eats on your last nerve

Yes, I know this will ruffle a few feathers when I say this but too bad. I am always real here, I will not lie or sugarcoat shit to make it go down easy.

I have to be real when I say that faith is eating on my last nerve lately. What I mean by that is that for the last 10 years since I have become a believer, I have had incredible faith. Even through the storms I still held on to my deep faith that God would take care of me. Now don't get this twisted, he has and I am so extremely grateful for everything, each and every day but lately, I have been losing my patience.

Seriously, how many messages have you heard about hold on it's coming, your breakthrough is about to be here, and what you're praying for is on its way?

I can tell you, thousands of messages like that and all the while I believe them. But lately, I am mad, I have been through so much, and even though I want to believe, 

But I feel like….come on already, when is this coming! I have to admit it's getting tougher.

I know that this is my purpose, this writing and helping others but even though I work at it seven days a week, on 10 different sites, putting hours into it, it's still not my full-time job. 

I own 2 businesses that I am constantly busting my ass at trying to keep a roof over our heads. I also have been praying for a man God has for me and for the last 8 years since I've been divorced. I guess I wasn't specific enough when he sent me the Prince because I clearly didn't add grown kids or don't want kids. 

Since then all I've gotten were a lot of losers and dick pics. Hey, maybe my purpose is to open up my own porn hub. Just kidding, as the holy rollers are having a heart attack out there.

Things are constantly coming at me, my business, things going right then blowing up in my face, and bills from nowhere. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back most of the time. Yes, I know it's the lessons I needed to learn, well I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog's day where I keep repeating the 12th grade here.

And it's not like I haven't tried, I've put it out there, I've prayed about it, and I've made vision boards. I meditated on it, I envisioned it as if it was real.

I took classes, I researched, I put myself out there in both career and personal life, I did it all, and still nothing. 

Recently I started to get mad at God, asking him to tell me something, to do something as I know he knows my heart.

I know he knows what I want but why is this taking so long? I can and have, written a book about my lessons so it's not like I didn't get them, so then what's the holdup? 

Now all you "religious" people will come at me and guess what? I don't care.

I am not perfect, I do not pretend to be a holy roller. 

I am real, I make mistakes, I screw up, I question God and yes, sometimes I even get mad at him.

Most people miss the parts of the Bible when the people he chose got mad and questioned him. 

Yes, I know you may think you are perfect but sorry I'm not. God didn't use the saints or the "perfect" people or even the religious people, are you listening? He used liars, prostitutes, thieves, and murderers. So I'm in good company and yes, I get to get mad and question him.

My question is why do so many people pretend? Pretend to be perfect? Pretend to have it all together? Pretend that they are "perfect" Christians that never give up, that never lose faith? I cannot and will not do that. I am broken, I am battered, and I have hit rock bottom not once but twice. I am real as hell and I don't care if that scares you because I have to be true to myself.

So today my friends this is my truth, faith is getting on my last nerve. And even as I said this, I got in my car to drive to work yesterday and on the radio, they are talking about having faith and they speak of my Bible verse Romans 8.28. I started to cry, then the truck in front of me had butterflies stickers on it and the car next to me had a Crab sticker on it. These are my mother's signs for me: she was cancer and a yellow butterfly landed on her headstone on the day of her funeral.

And I think to myself okay, maybe I can hold on for one more day…

"Be the change you want to see"