Dreams And Destiny

All of us have dreams when we are asleep and sometimes when we are awake, but these are not the dreams I will tell you about. There are so many wishes and desires that all of us have, and if you had ever observed the pattern, you find that most of our desires and wishes are born and die quickly. Some are however stubborn and just refuse to fade away and these are the dreams (you call them wishes or desires or dreams, whatever) I will tell you about; not a general theory about such dreams but one specific dream that haunted me from my childhood and finally led me to understand and unravel my destiny.

Since I was a child, I had dreamt that I will become an actor in movies. Funny that this dream happened even before I started watching movies! As I could not have understood this persistent dream of mine, I must have dismissed it as a random thought. As I grew up the dream became more persistent and pushed me to do things at school. I took part in school drama and plays, and somehow this gave me huge pleasure. We all do so many things throughout our lives yet leave them behind at some stage. My parents believed that I had talent, though I attached much significance to my talent. So many of my schoolmates were talented, and I was nothing special.

I finished college and thought I would walk the path most of us so routinely do and take a job. My father too, like all fathers, wanted me to do this. Perhaps, I too wanted this, but this dream of mine had its own mind. I felt something inside, a different person altogether than what I believed I was, nagging me persistently to run away to Mumbai to become an actor. The man I knew well resisted this urge with force, believing that this was the most stupid thing to do. One has heard stories of boys and girls getting star-struck and rushing to Mumbai and Bollywood to try out their luck. One also hears of talented actors like Anupam Kher, Irfan Khan, Nawazuddin and many others who had spent money to train themselves at FTII or NSD and then languishing for years before we recognized their talent. I had no such qualifications as an actor, and it would be sheer madness and suicide to abandon home and parents to chase this stupid dream of mine.

I believe we are all stupid and have a great perception of ourselves and our talents. Our friends and family and relatives constantly reinforce this with their superficial admiration. It happened to me too, and I finally surrendered to this mystery dream of mine whose force was so great that I could not resist. I spoke to my friends, and they said that they were all along confident that I will become famous as an actor, and they begged me to rush to Mumbai as if Bollywood was waiting for me.

I could manage twenty rupees, this was long years ago, and without the slightest of ideas of what life would be on my own without money or contacts in Mumbai, I ran away one evening to the railway station and boarded a train to Mumbai. I just about traveled about four stations from my city when the ticket conductor saw me. I was fated to return, and it so happened that the TC was a good friend of my father and knew me well. He made me get down in the next station and put me on a train back to Varanasi, where I lived. So much for my dream and destiny!

It disappointed my father and my mother got too emotional and blamed herself for my escapade. I tried to tell them about my dream, but who would understand dreams and desires when you cannot? There was recruitment in the UP police that was happening in Varanasi, and my parents wanted me to take up a government job so that I could settle down. I was fed up with my foolish desire to become an actor and agreed to appear for the tests. I got selected and soon began training and then working as a traffic constable.

My dream should have died like so many other wishes unfulfilled, but it did not. I started behaving oddly while on duty. I stood at the crossings regulating traffic, but unlike other sane cops, I started acting out my role on the streets. I was not like any other traffic cop; my hands and legs would move in harmony like I was dancing. I would talk to errant bikers and car drivers like I was Amitabh Bachchan or Ranveer Singh. I made up dialogues on the spur, making people laugh and wave at me. Soon, I was the most popular traffic constable in the city! People came to my crossing to see me, and soon crowds would gather to watch my performances. Encouraged, I started improvising and innovating. Traffic movement at my crossing was perhaps the best managed because everyone co-operated, and my department appreciated my unconventional traffic management methods. At the police station, fellow cops and superiors would beg me to perform. At police functions, I was the main attraction. I was loving it and the city papers even wrote about me.

Meanwhile, pressure on me was mounting from all quarters to quit the job and go to Mumbai. This time, I had money and my parents were encouraging. I went with huge support from Varanasi and with my own visions that I would become a star. Two weeks in Mumbai were enough to dash my dreams and deflate my ego. I returned to my city and to my job.

They pushed me out of my traffic beat to a better job; my superiors told me I was lucky to get promoted. I was now on a regular beat and was prowling the city streets at nights to nab thieves and burglars. It was during one such beat that I rescued a fourteen-year girl from being abducted and sexually violated by a history-sheeter and a known rogue. My image improved, and the papers were once again writing my story.

One day, in the afternoon, I was on a busy street when I saw a young boy on his cycle with a horse trotting by his side. The boy held the reins of the horse to stop it from running away. I gathered that the boy was training the young horse to become a marriage Ghodi (she-horse used in baraat by the groom). Accidentally he let go of the rein and the horse galloped aimlessly through the crowds which were now running to avoid the horse. I don’t know why, but I sprinted towards the runaway horse and grabbed its reins just before it was about to collide and trample a small child. I was now a hero and a savior. I was doing the department proud as the local papers now carried photographs of me with exaggerated stories about how I had put myself in danger to save the child.

Now, let us come to the serious part of this story about dreams and destiny. All of us keep hearing that we should chase our dreams and not allow them to die. So we all do it for some time and then give up when results do not come. I too had chased my dream of becoming an actor twice and now I had given it up as I believed that it was not my destiny to become an actor. I, therefore, had reconciled to my fate as the ‘actor cop’, which role I was enjoying and was also being appreciated by the public. I had therefore forgotten my dream and though the dream persisted, I thought this was what it meant for me, to be a small-time performer. Like the millions of street performers you see on the streets, very talented, but not recognized. One important thing about my dream was that I had never dreamt of becoming a rich actor. It was always the actor, and money and fame were not part of the dream. It did not, therefore, distress me that my dream was a failure.

We always underestimate the power of dreams and how it operates. God, it seems, has made our lives so complex that most of us keep chasing and running after things forever without understanding. It is most common for us to believe that we work for our family, our children or our parents, anything but for ourselves. Then we reach a stage when all that we did or had been doing throughout our lives appear meaningless. You earn money, but what does money bring? We earn fame, but how does it matter in real terms? We hardly understand the answers to these questions.

I told you that I chased my dream twice and then gave up. I was proved wrong, and for a third time, I went to Mumbai at the behest of a Bihari producer who had read the stories about me in papers and had even secretly followed my public performances. This time, my visit to Mumbai was fruitful, and the producer gave me a lead role in a Bhojpuri film he was producing.

There was a problem accepting the role. I was a police officer and working for the UP Government, and rules forbid me to work elsewhere unless I quit the job. I cannot have two jobs at the same time! The big question now was, how was I going to decide what to do? Should I resign and become an actor, or should I continue my present job with the measly salary, which had helped me play out my dream, though differently?

My parents wanted me to quit. My friends and well-wishers were all excited and urged me to become the actor I had always dreamt to be. I was confused, and my dream would not provide any clear direction to me. I went to Kashi Vishwanath and sought his advice. I went to Sankat Mochan and begged him to help. They refused to say or do anything, and that it was my personal matter and I should therefore decide. It pained me that even my gods were reluctant to interfere and guide me!

It was my senior and boss who suggested a solution. Don’t say no to either of the options! Was this possible that I continue my job and work in films? What exactly was my boss trying to say? I asked him for clarification, and he said:

“Look Ram Asray, why do you want to be an actor?”

It was a simple question, and yet I could not answer. This, my readers is the crux of our problem. Why do we desire something? What are we seeking to derive? Money, pleasure, satisfaction, greed, ambition... what exactly do we want from anything we desire? I was now in a “to be or not to be” kind of situation.

“I do not understand you, Sir.”

“Arre bhai Ram Asray, simple sawaal hai? Kya chahte ho? Actor bankar Kya saabit karna chahte ho aur kisko?”

“Pata nahin Sir, bachpan ka sapna tha actor banne ka.”

“Bas? To ban Jao actor! Kya problem Hai? You are not dreaming to be rich, are you?”

“Nahi sir, baat paise ki nahi hai.”

“Tum Amitabh jaise famous banna chahte ho?”

“Nahin sir,vo baat nahin.”

“To kya problem hai?Chutti lo and film karo.Haan,paison ke liye nahin,apne liye,sirf sapna poora karne ke liye.”

“Sir, chutti mil jaayegi?”

“Kyon nahin,rule mein hai bhai.”

“Naukri bhi kar sakta hoon?”

“Haan,maze se karo film aur chain se karo naukri!”

I did the Bhojpuri film and it was a sleeper hit. Offers began coming and my popularity was now high. I am now doing serials for Netflix and Prime though I have now become a character actor. My department is very supportive of me and I have no problems taking leave for shootings. I worked during my off-duty hours and still do.

Money? No. I am sincere to my profession and am now a senior inspector. I did and still continue to do all my films and serials for free and it gives me immense satisfaction. I would never leave my job for money. Fame? Yes, you can call me famous and even the scoundrels that I catch respect me. They have all seen my Bhojpuri films.

Do you see how my dream to become an actor came true despite all the challenges? Now I am convinced that it is one dream that stays with you all the time, which is important for us to understand. Because that is your destiny. How it will unfold it may take years to understand and experience. But if it is your destiny, the dream will happen.