Daddy'S Little Daughter

Papa’s little angel

 

It was the first thought that came to her as she woke up. He was gone. And, soon, this bedroom, the eastern corner of the house where he sat, and the tiny garden outside with its gnarled old red hibiscus and the half-grown mango tree they had planted together, all those would be gone as well. It was the strangest feeling ever.

Not long ago, her world was incomplete, but they were happy, her father and she. Rui had lost her mother when she was five, her father, Rushub had brought her up. From those tough days of being a motherless five year old to her blooming youth, she had been “papa’s little angel”.  When Rangita, her mother, died Rushub was understandably broken. He had a long life to live alone but a bigger challenge was to look after his angel. Indian men have less to do being a parent. The child is satiated of his or her needs by the mother, but with the striking fate the responsibility of Rui was on him.

Kids with an abnormal situations at home mature faster and not to mention if it is a girl child. Rui became cognizant, of her father’s struggles, fairly early in her life. She understood it was not easy for him and above all she felt the pain of solitude, which her father had. She noticed he had gone silent, gazing through the window, he darkened his days till night.

Time is ruthlessly dynamic, it moved at its pace killing any possible inertia left in Rushub. His world was around Rui now. He had left his job and pursued a relatively lower paying business arrangement. It was a tough decision, but had to be taken. His angel needed a full time guardian and he had decided to do his best. When you lose someone from your immediate family, the others who remain with you seem like gold dust. You start cherishing each moment with them, so did Rushub.

Together they saw many springs and falls, both in life and seasons. Rui had turned seventeen and just finished her twelfth exams. They were on a vacation, when life turned another chapter. Rushub experienced a sudden pain in his abdomen area, it was excruciating. Rui took him to the local doctor, who suggested to take analgesic for pain relief and prescribed a through check up once they were back in Mumbai. Rui was scared because she had never seen Rushub, a strong man, show discomfort in this manner.

The next day after returning to Mumbai, they went to a renowned hospital in Bandra and opted for the comprehensive body checkup scheme. The results of the test were mixed barring the sonography. It showed a lump in his abdomen, the doctor said it looked to be a tumor and they needed to test it for malignancy. These words were enough to make both of them get disoriented with disbelief. The very word “cancer” makes a person see the undertaker walking towards him. The doctor took a specimen for biopsy and called them after 3 days. Those 3 days were the longest and the most difficult days of their lives.

 

They finally got the biopsy report, don’t know how many times they must have read his biopsy report, which was written in unfamiliar medical terms and language. Rui tried to desperately find something in it which pointed to the fact that he does not have cancer. The biopsy report had the word Metastasis all over it. She quickly searched the internet and was shattered to find out it means “spread of a cancer or disease from one organ or part to another not directly connected with it”.

Unfortunately there was no doubt that Rushub had the disease. Rui cried, alone, for a long time. Tried to face her father with a poker face but could not. There was a lot of fear looming in the air. She sat in the night and talk to herself for a long time. She had this ever growing fear of losing Rushub to this disease.   The hardest question she was asked?  “Why me Rui, why me?” Rushub asked. You know the hardest thing for her at that time was to conceal her emotions and be that responsible daughter. Her Father, needed her the most.

It was the first time they were going to the Tata Memorial Hospital and the sheer sight of the place can be devastating to the most of us. The OPD section was filled with people, it was holding an attendance more than 3 times its actual capacity. There were patients all around them, there was a strange look on Rushub’s face. Terrified and fearful he was dropping tears silently. Painful it was, Rui saw it and kept her hand on his shoulder. They saw the doctor, after about 4 hours of wait.

One cannot describe those ten minutes in the doctor’s chamber, Rui was making assumptions and judging the doctor’s body language. Her fear was growing, she was examining Rushub and asking questions. Her Father and Rui were looking at each other and trying to communicate with their eyes. He had fear and helplessness both coupled together. Rui used her eyes to tell him don’t worry. These reactions of Rui were spontaneous and till date she doesn’t know where did she get the strength from. The doctor confirmed it was a critical case but he will do his best, he said.

If some of you, and I hope you never, have been to the Tata Memorial hospital, you will know that the doctors there talk very less. It is because there are thousands waiting outside to be treated. Rui was clear that she wanted to ask the doctor few questions, hard ones, but not in front of her father. Luckily she got the chance. “I would like to know the true facts” she told the doctor. “Please be honest to me as I need to be aware. What are his chances of survival” .

 “How much time he has?” Then came the most awakening answer in her life “why are you talking like this, let us give it a try, he can be treated. Please don’t lose hope.” The answer changed the way Rui was looking at this issue. She realized her mistake of giving up hope and giving up on God. The fact that she was making this problem bigger by looking at the consequence and not a solution.

The doctor had advised that Rushub would go through six cycles of chemotherapy with a surgery after the first three cycles. Rui was now looking beyond the word Cancer. There was a sense of purpose, and she was trying to conditioned her mind to stop being sad and get on with his treatment. She used to present herself as the most optimistic person in front of Rushub. “He has no option but to get well” is what she used to tell others. It would not be true to say that it was simple for Rui, considering the fact that, she was doing something which she had never done before. There was so much to do and so much to bear.

Their visits to the hospital became frequent, leave aside the chemo drugs, the experience of going to the hospital was itself a very difficult. Rushub was still fighting his own battle. A patient of cancer is constantly watching the hour glass in everything he or she does. Every moment the ticking clock blocks your vision. The disease creates a vacuum between the patient and the outer world making it hard for them to communicate. Rushub constantly looked out of the window and thought something.

One of the most important factor to fight cancer is the mental health of the patient. Who they meet? What they are being talked? What is the general feeling of people around them makes a lot of difference. Rui used to ensure that anyone who comes to meet Rushub should talk as less as possible about the disease and try to be normal.

His 1st cycle of chemo started, it was a painful experience for them. She was very sad watching helplessly. Nothing they could do.

Rushub called Rui one day and said he wanted to have a chat with her. He said one day he may be gone, no longer with her, they should start to plan for this eventuality. Rui started crying in shock, “You cannot go. You cannot leave me like momma” she screamed. Rushub held her close to him and said,” I want to live, for you, but GOD has given me very less time”.

Rui cried the whole night, thinking that it was unfair, how GOD can let her go through this. The most dreaded feeling in this world is of being alone, where she would go and what would she do? Her Father was the fulcrum of her existence.

The doctor called her after three cycles of chemotherapy, “the tests are not good” he said. “The drugs are not able to contain the disease, I am sorry there is very little that we can do now.”

The words spread disbelief all around her. She could feel a distinct feeling of loneness creeping up. The doctors had given up, it was matter of time. She did not tell Rushub, but who else but he would know his body well. He, with tearful eyes, told her to give him a hug. When she was hugging him they cried aloud. He said “I wish I could live longer, to see you grow, to see your kids grow, to complete what your mother left behind. But I think she needs me there. We will bless you together.” Rui was inconsolable, but her aunt (mother’s sister), who came to see Rushub, held her hand and told her “you are not alone beta, I am with you”.  She told Rushub that she will take care of Rui.

Rushub’s condition was now degrading day by day, there was formation of fluid in his abdomen, it is called Ascites. The fluid was spreading, every two days they would need to come to the hospital for tapping, a procedure to reduce the fluid. The abdomen would swell and cause excruciating pain. Rushub had gone very weak, no hair, swollen abdomen, no appetite, constant pain, endless effort of running for Rui and lastly all the money being lost. A lot was playing on his mind.

Rui on the other hand, was psychotically determined to fight this lost battle, she was not letting him go. In this phase of cancer treatment, people like Rui become ruthless and stop seeing the real issues of the patient, they would just have one agenda, keep the patient alive. In this struggle the patient suffers.

Rushub had decided to end his suffering, he was determined to save Rui of further hassle and save himself from more pain. He would end his life he thought, a common feeling with terminally ill cancer patients. Strong mind was needed for this but he was determined. Rui was to go to the hospital to get the prescribed morphine patch the next day, this was the time he decided he would end it. That night it was a quiet dinner, he did not talk much with RUI, she found it strange but did not pay attention.

Lying on his bed, Rushub saw the fan moving, plethora of thoughts going through his mind. What would he do, how would he do, he was trying to plan. “Rushub” said a familiar voice, a voice he had not heard for a long time. It was Rangita, “I have come to take you” she said smilingly. He was scared initially, but realized it was time for him, the glow behind Rangita calmed him. She held his arm and pulled him up from the bed. Rushub felt that his weak body suddenly had so much strength.  He hugged her and saw RUI lying beside him. He knew his soul had left his body. He moved his feet and they were gone.

RUI got up the next morning, and as a routine tried to wake Rushub, but he was gone. She kept looking at him in disbelief and did not say a word. When Kaushalya, her maid, came in, she started crying and called the neighbors. He was gone, cardiac arrest pointed the doctors. RUI was numb, they took him away and she was still numb.

He aunt, sat beside her, and told her to move in with her. Alone how would she live, she reminded her that is what her father wanted. Rui cried and without saying a word, she went in her room. She slept, crying the whole night.

She had no one now, not even this house. It was the first thought that came to her as she woke up. He was gone. And, soon, this bedroom, the eastern corner of the house where he sat, and the tiny garden outside with its gnarled old red hibiscus and the half-grown mango tree they had planted together, all those would be gone as well. It was the strangest feeling ever.