A 'Selfish' Love

‘I gave up. I gave up a long, long time ago.

How do I know?

Well, it doesn’t affect me anymore. I don’t try to change him anymore. I don’t shout at him anymore. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt me now, in fact it burns me inside but the pain is too much to shout it out. Seeing him die slowly in front of you, the first love of your life. He is the only one I’ll ever love in this way. Of course no one can ever replace him. I tried to fight, but now I am tired of fighting. He says that everyone is selfish, and so am I. I am selfish because I don’t want him to die. He says it is for the money or maybe because I don’t want a hand above my head to fade. It is true! I am selfish, but mind you, not for the money, I’ll give up even the last of my penny for him to come back to me, I am selfish because I want him!

Why shouldn’t I be selfish anyway? He is my father right? I can be selfish because my love for him is selfless. I am selfish because I gave him a large part of my heart and mind and that was before I learned to think, before I learned to fight! Before I learned to walk or talk! How can that love be anything but pure?

I gave him a huge part of my existence and I guess it gives me all the rights of the world to be selfish!

I gave him my soul and he couldn’t give up one thing for me? Something which led to all this? Something which divided us so much? Something which changed him entirely? Something which filled me up with so much hatred against him?

He was the one who taught me how to fight then now why is he acting like a coward?

Why couldn’t he give up his drinking habits? You are a coward daddy that’s what you are and I hate you for that! You took away my father from me! The one who really was what you pretend to be when you are not drunk!!’ I thought as I saw him lying on the bed. ‘He is so thin, so weak!’ I thought again as my eyes easily filled up with tears seeing his condition. I knew he was dying.

I trod slowly towards the bed and pushed myself beside him to lie down. As I tried to forget everything, the old memories struck me. Me and him playing in the park, me and him laughing, me and him watching movies, me and him…together… ‘Oh I could give anything in the world to have those moments back or to maybe create new ones! WHY CAN’T YOU HEAR ME DADDY? WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND WHY DO I HAVE TO SHOUT? I AM A PART OF YOU RIGHT? THEN WHY? COME BACK TO ME PLEASE!! If you could only understand that those moments which made me so silent was not that of hate but that of the pain which is not describable dad. I used to shout because I thought you would come back after hearing the frustration and piercing pain in my voice but no! All you heard was the shouts of a girl smaller than you and you were insulted!’ I thought and winced in pain as those memories which were supposed to be happy acted like bullets and wounded my heart with each laughter of the past. I was jealous of me, the past me.

I looked at his hands and held his thumb and cried. ‘I still love him so, so much!’ But now I accept the situation!

As I tried to imagine how it must have felt to hold his hand for the first time, he suddenly withdrew his hand with a jerk and my hand fell back on the bed in shock, all alone.

‘All alone…is that me in the future? Will you go away?’ I asked in my mind again and turned around to cry my heart out.

After crying my heart out, I went to my mind.

‘No!! I will not give up this easily!! He is my father… he loves me too… he has just forgotten all those moments, the moments which made him happier than his alcohol. I want him back! And I’ll fight! I will not let you go so easily daddy…because you are my daddy and no one can ever, ever take my dad away from me!! I will fight until the last breath of mine. Don’t worry dear daddy I love you too much to let you go. I promise you I’ll fight for you.’ And with that I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the next day.