True Loneliness

Being lonely doesn't mean having nobody next to you

it means feeling sad at night and realizing you can't talk to anyone without having the constant fear of displeasing or disturbing them

it's being surrounded by a sea of people and still feeling like you don't belong

Or belong anywhere in the world for that matter

being lonely doesn't mean having nobody to talk to or having nobody next to you

You're lonely when the person next to you

isn't what you need to copy

Or aren't willing to be that person for you

When that person means everything in the world to you

In your heart and mind

But you know you don't mean all that much to them

And because you look strong in their eyes

They wont offer you a helping hand because they think "Oh, she'll be fine"

Even though

 as soon as they leave that room your  going to break down into tears crying  because you know  that your just as human as they are

That's what true loneliness feels like

And anytime I'm next to her I start to feel this overwhelming pain in my heart all over again

And the flashback start to slowly flood back into

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my mind

As tears slowly Begin to Fall down my cheek 

And that pain and those flashbacks don't seem to go away until

she leaves

And that hurts my heart to say because I hate when she is away

And for one small moment the smallest moment I never thought I would ever in a million years feel this way about her

The one I cherish and adored for so long

It's somehow horrifying how things can change

In a blink of an eye

and how there's nothing in the world you can do to change the outcome

And all you can do is sit back and watch your life turn to shreds within seconds

Knowing no amount of tears

Ice cream or workouts can make you feel better

Because your always going to have  flashbacks of bad times

Times when you were at your lowest times when I wasn't sure if you were going to make it

Times I thought would never end

But also a different part of me was hoping these moments would never end

because us knowing what came next might result in more pain

Which I really could not handle at that moment

That's what true loneliness feels like,

Oh well ...