This Sadness Will Last Forever
This Sadness Will Last Forever3 mins 242 3 mins 242
You told me perhaps you didn't feel pain because you don't cry, you haven't cried since your mother died when you were six.
And if you had asked me just then I would have told you I didn't quite believe you.
Didn't believe you at all.
Since you never seemed like a person who can hold back their tears during hard times.
Or during movies or in between sad songs or even while reading John Green.
And I kept telling you how crying doesn't define one's pain and that you don't need to shed tears to prove that you're sad and in agony.
But you had drifted off, long before I could tell you that I can sense your pain in your moist eyes or when you bite your lower lip or when you scratch the back of your head in distress.
There was a distant look in your amber eyes while you were staring at the setting sun, near the horizon that was almost invisible now.
And I felt a sudden chill thinking about all the things you never told me, all the sadness that you have been carrying around, all alone, all the pain that's buried in your heart, screaming to be let out.
I almost lost it at that moment.
I remember I turned away before you could meet my eyes that were glistening with tears.
I decided to run away from all the questions you would ask and all the answers I'll never have.
It was almost midnight when we drove back home.
The sky filled with all the stars we had wished upon and all the rest we were yet to wish to.
You didn't say a word on the way back and for once, I let the silence fill the emptiness in both of our hearts, only wishing for it to not be the calm before the storm.
I ran into your arms before you could say goodnight and bid me farewell and you embraced me, tighter than usual as if not wanting to let go.
And as you began to kiss me, more hungrily than ever, I felt something more than love and desire.
The sense of an ending. And I know you felt it too.
A tear rolled down your cheek and I thought perhaps the gates that you had locked away for so long in your heart have finally come undone.
I wanted to tell you that I have known about your disease for a while now and how it's slowly breaking all the strings that hold you together.
I wanted to tell you how lonely and empty I'll be without you and I might never be whole again.
But my hands are already under your shirt and I decided to blur everything for one last night.
Because this sadness will last forever and the emptiness will still be there tomorrow.
But I can't say the same about you.