You know I always knew that I wasn't meant to be extraordinary, though I dreamt surely, but I knew it was never gonna happen. I knew I was born to be one in the crowd. Everyone was bound to the rules of oblivion, be it Shakespeare or Jesus or even Merilyn Munroe. As destruction slowly creeps towards our mother earth, all of them are just not gonna be there. Pfft, just like that. But even then some are destined to be forgotten sooner than the others.
I was a fat kid in school. Not fat and cute, that people adore, but fat and ugly. I stood in the corners of dance classes, not sure what to do next or how to bend my fat legs in a particular way to please my teacher. Some of my cousins and my friends never forgot to mention how inadequate I was to do things. It would be a blatant lie if I would say that it didn't hurt me. Of course it did. I tried to be skinny, to be beautiful, just like others. But sooner and later I understood that's never gonna happen. So I gave up and started telling "I don't want to". I also learnt how to manage a spontaneous smile after that. So you think apparently I was pretending to be happy? No love, you're mistaken. I WAS happy. It is twisted you see. I was happy that i was among familiarity and I don't have to pick up new ways anymore.
When I was little I always asked my father "where do these roads go?" These lines of enormous lengths, where do they end at last was my primary concern .
My father patiently answered, as he always does, "why, to the new places of course!"
"Are those places crowded too?", I pressed on.
My father thinks for a moment and then says, "It depends."
"Are people nice there?"
"Oh people are the same everywhere. Some will be nice, some will not so much."
"Will I be same there too?", I looked at him with desperation.
"You have to find that out on your own." My father smiles again.
So I became determined to find that out and I eventually did, though not completely, yet partially was enough for me. The first boy I kissed, I thought "This was love. This is it. He is the one." But gradually I realised his earnestness is nothing but his curiosity to taste female flesh and since, he had none then, he opted the most viable option, me. If not me, he would have been happily with someone else. So I was the easiest prey in the herd it seemed. I cursed him. I put it out on the world, shutting myself behind the closed doors. Then somehow a little birdie crept through the window. First, I was ignorant of its presence. Gradually, it's songs made me fall in love with that tiny helpless creature. But the birds grow out of their nests a little too soon and I too wanted it to be free, soaring in the sky. Soon after the birdie left, I fell in love again. This time consciously that I was a part of the herd and I must be happy with that. I realised that the extraordinary fairy-tale love of "one in a million" is never really a real-world thing and the sooner I get that, the better I would be. But then again what is life if you get all those philosophies too easily? We fell out, slowly, like waking up from a long sleep, a snoring one, full of chaos and irritation.
Weary of my old self, I changed places, left my old identity, made new ones. Yet I somehow always managed to be a part of the herd. Not to special, yet necessary to admire others. Once I've done my part, clapped properly and praised the actors, I couldn't overstay at the theatre. But you can't really ignore the audience. Can you?
So far the road has been same to me. But it is okay. The journey has been great. Though there were yards of smoothness, the rough road has led me forward well. The roads are meant to be travelled, no matter how monotonous they might be, or what is the point there? Sometimes I wish, though, I could know what is at the finishing line. But then again there would be no fun in that. Would there?