The Love's Fool

To my love, On the 6th of November - I no longer want to play your stupid games, your reckless actions will only cost you on the long run. You’ve asked me recently to make up my mind, and I’ll always choose you, but deep down a voice is telling me you won’t do the same, because you still are all over that Kait. I don’t want to suffer anymore or feel like a second option. Said we could make it work, but how, when all you do is push me away? I will be taking a break, don’t know for how long, heck, I could even more than that immature challenge you offered. I think your move was wrong, because I’ll just detach. I hope you find the one for you, I hope you find happiness. I wish you the best. I thought you’d want to know what I was thinking in my period of being locked in that sensitive loop (starting April, when all that shit of drama started).

It’s hard for me to pull away and to move on, but I have to understand there are people way better for me, all times when I’m trying to pull away, you seem to keep me coming after you. I don’t want to do that anymore, to feel hurt, to keep wanting you and caring about you. Maybe I could never move on from you, because I actually thought we had something, heck, even considered you my soul mate. Pathetic, no? But it’s true nonetheless. My thoughts on April: Love is a war, but I'm far from being a veteran, because all I can feel are the unhealed wounds itching my insides. Injuries that will never leave, because I'm too attached. I've known them since little, I watered them and now I'm the one to be drowning and choking. I don't know how I shall feel or if there's anything for me to sense, except numbness, in which I seem to dive eternally, as if I'm bound to taste pain after every temporary bliss. Where are you? Why you chose to leave me behind, when I thought all was going fine, we'd have the world at our feet and a universe to lead, just you and me, then why you made the decision to fly away without letting me know? I'm the one who falls and maybe so are you, at some point, if you didn't learn how to spread your wings.  Am I the nest you return to every time something goes wrong? Should I live with the fact you'll always find your way back home? Should I rely on this blind dependence on each other? maybe in other parallel world our destiny had a different path or maybe I'm too harsh and my mind is too foggy - a break doesn't mean pulling away. Nevertheless, I miss you. Just because you've got the words of an innocent, it doesn't make you less than guilty for murdering my heart. For I was the ideal victim: an angel willing to fall for another archangel dressed up like the devil, or were you the one wearing red before my sins turned white on your hands? I still love you.

This is another moment of mines, when I am trying to pull away, due to the feelings that seem to overwhelm me, and again I wanted to have a break from you, to detach, I may have it for 1 month, I think, but at the same time I wonder if it's even worth mentioning it. I wish we could have been more upfront and not deny anything and everything else that followed. You once said that I doubt you, honestly, maybe I do, because I still have that voice rooted in the back of my mind telling me you want her. I shouldn't give a fuck though, and just focus on myself, but I know I'll miss you. I am thorn in between, a side of me wishing to stay still, whereas the other wants to flee. Yeah, running away been my protective mechanism. I came off as aggressive, but there's still truth in it. I feel sorry if it seemed as if I leashed out, I had to get it off my chest. 2nd of December - we seem to be more open about our feelings, and you were seeking a reaction out of me. I made the first step and talked to you, and I felt like in the 9th heaven. You make me the happiest, and I'd never trade our bond nor my love for you to anything else, but could we actually feel the bliss, or are we bound to backfire our passion?