The Last Goodbye

I have died every day, waiting for you

Darling, don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

Dear Ivan,

It’s been long I wrote a letter to you. For some years, I left writing letters. I tried many times, but whenever I started writing the letter, my vision became a blur. My heart wanted to tell you a lot of things happening in my life, but, I couldn’t write a single sentence to you. I felt an unbearable pain inside. I stopped writing and kept the blank postcards on the attic. I saw the letters I have written to you so far, lying on my bed like broken petals on the ground. Holding them all, I closed my eyes and tried to see you there. Embracing them closer to my heart, I found you in those letters. To make me feel true, they smelled like you. Deepest at my heart, I felt that you were reading my letters. Yes, you were.

For these years, all the old letters are sleeping in the wooden self of my room. I have preserved them with all my love and care, the way I looked after you when you were here. With me. I love them just like you. I cry with them, I smile with them. Sometimes, when I wake up at midnight after seeing you in my dream, I bring them out of the self and holding them all, I come to the balcony. Seeing the brightest star on the night sky, I start reading them, one by one. I tell you stories of me, my new life, new people, and, our love. Our old new love. I wonder, how we are getting old with time, our love is getting older, yet, it’s blooming like a wild mountain flower.

Once I thought, it’s enough, I have written so many letters for you, now it’s time to send them all to you. I laughed thinking about you, even I imagined how would you react, seeing a bunch of letters awaiting for you, be read, and then, to be replied. You would take one long year to finish reading them all, I guess! But then I remember, they are not meant to be sent. Because they have no address written on the top. Their address is my heart, and they are meant to be preserved in my heart’s deepest corner.

You know, I had that nightmare, again tonight. I saw you in my dream. We were playing hide and seek, you blind folded me, and told me to count till ten. I did so. After stopping my count, I tried to find you, but I found you nowhere. I called your name, but you did not reply to me. Trembling in an unknown fear, I opened my eyes, I tried to find you, again. I searched for you everywhere. Suddenly, you called me from afar, “Aashi!”

I turned back. There was a dense fog, it was wrapping me like a shawl. I found you cloaked with white mist. You were smiling. I tried to reach you, to touch you. But the mist held me tight, I couldn’t even move. My feet seemed to have frozen. You bid me bye, and started to hide into the mist. I tried to call your name, but my voice was choked. You disappeared into the woods. And I stood there, all alone.

I still search you there, and the chill air blows my hair. I see, you are smiling in the mist, and calling me by my name. As I approach closer, you leave somewhere, again. The white mist surrounds me, and whispers into my ears, "I love you!"

It continued to echo in the mountains.

With love, Your forever, Aashi

And all along I believed, I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me,

I have loved you for a thousand years

I’ll love.