The Diary

"…I know I must be a faded memory or a part of your life that never existed. You too were a picture that never got completed. Then why do I always try to find you behind every single unknown face? The little irrelevant stupid talks that we ever had to keep gnawing me from inside. I deleted every existence of yours from my life but why do your memories haunt me? if ever I understood the meaning of love- it was you.

I know I do not exist for you and I am glad about it, but why can’t I take you out of my head? You are stuck in my mind like a stubborn leech that would never release me but would always inflict pain…an unbearable pain. What a sickly love to ever have in life! I wish I could meet you once…”

These were the last lines written by Zoya. A sudden fear engulfed me. I hope it isn’t what I am thinking. But what if I am correct? What if the love mentioned here was me…no that cannot be. But is that possible? I don’t know. The fact that she married me and accepted my 5-year-old daughter is something that I’ll always be indebted to. But if the love mentioned here is not me, did I rob all the happiness and dreams of a woman who loved someone else. Why did she agree to marry a divorced man with a 5-year-old daughter?

Zoya is no more with me but why do I feel the way she felt in the diary. Do I love her? No, I cannot. I always loved Natasha. I respect Zoya and I can even give my life for her but how can I give my heart which is already dead. Zoya never says anything to me but I know she has a thousand things to speak about. Her deep dark eyes can never go unnoticed. I get peace when I see her with my daughter.

Zoya is dead. I killed her. Seven years ago when I saw her on that stupid dating site I thought something is there…few calls, a lot of conversations, and false promises. It was never more than a casual phone fling…no it isn’t me…it must be someone else. I hope I could have all the answers to my questions.

“Adeel” a sudden deep voice startled me. I turned around to see Abba standing holding the phone.

I looked at him.

“It’s Natasha,” Abba said.

I wondered what made her call now. Abba placed his hand on my shoulder and pressed it. I nodded at him and he gave the phone to me.

“Hello,” Natasha said.

“Why did you call?” I quivered.

“Sorry to hear what all happened. I hope you are fine” she hissed.

I hanged up.

The whole night I kept tossing and turning on my bed to get the reason for my restlessness. I wish Zoya could have been with me. I still remember the day I met her at one of my cousin’s wedding. She looked beautiful in that white dress tying Laila’s shoes. She didn’t even know Laila was my daughter. Laila soiled her white dupatta with her chocolaty hands and all she did was smiled. I still have the moment captured with me both in my camera as well as my heart.

The rest seems history now, how Abba liked her on the very day of the wedding, how my cousin introduced both of us. The introduction was quite a formal one though, I pretended not to know her but she immediately recalled me. It wasn’t I fell in love with her, I cannot, but there was something strange about her which was magnetic. When Abba spilled the beans of our marriage I was reluctant and why shouldn’t I? She was beautiful, young, and most importantly never married. I didn’t want to spoil her dreams and she said a ‘Yes’ with the same confidence

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with which I said a ‘No’.

It's a year now since we are married but we still live like strangers. Zoya never complained except on two occasions- once when I took Natasha’s name as Laila’s mother and the next was a month back…

“Adeel, we need to go to Delhi,” Zoya said softly.

“Zoya I am busy, you go this time” I answered.

“Yes this time like always” she chuckled.

I looked at her and she looked away.

For the next few days, she didn’t talk. She was in Delhi and I was at home. I tried calling her many times but she ignored me all the time. I knew she wasn’t asking anything but I was too dumb to understand that. I wish I could talk to her once and make her understand that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t mean to hurt her, that I want her back…Zoya please come back and I felt the same gnawing mentioned in the diary and for the first time I cried. I cried for Zoya. I didn’t know her absence in my life would split me into pieces.

It's almost a week since Zoya is missing. Nobody knows where she could be. I curse myself every day for whatever happened. I wish she would have listened to me that night.

“Please leave right now” I shouted at Natasha.

“I won’t until I meet my daughter” she ranted.

“She isn’t your daughter, she is with her mother” I ranted back.

“That woman cannot be her mother, please let me meet her once” she begged.

“Where were you when you left her when she needed you the most, she wasn’t important to you then what was important was your career, your life, your selfishness. You left us when we needed you the most, it all over now Natasha, please leave us alone” I begged in front of her hating her for killing all the love inside me, for emptying every single affection in my heart that I have nothing to give to that one single person who deserves the most in my life.

“I still love you” Natasha whispered.

“No” I muttered back.

“Leave,” I said to her with clenched teeth.

She suddenly came and hugged me I was trying to get out of her when Zoya entered with Laila.

Natasha took Laila and went inside while I kept standing there in front of my wife like an innocent convict. ‘My wife’ the moment I called her ‘My wife’ was the moment when I got back myself, I got back everything that I once had but alas I lost her. She ran out of the house but I could not stop her. It was only late at night when I got a call that Zoya’s car fell off the bridge. Everyone says she is dead but I still believe there’s something left between us. I was lost in Zoya’s diary and memories when Abba came panting to me. His eyes said it all.

…the next I saw Zoya lying motionless in this dingy hospital bed. It was 10 days that she was in a coma. The river swiped her away to the shores where she was saved by few fishermen. The very first word she whispered after waking up was “Adeel”. Whether it's her luck or my destiny we were meant to be together.

“Mr. Adeel Ali” your wife is fine now” the doctor finally affirmed.

Zoya sat on the bed looking outside the window. I went to her and held her hand. She looked at me with her expressionless eyes.

“I love you” I whispered.

It took her few seconds when finally her eyes spoke again…she cried.

“How I waited to tell you this since all this while,” I said caressing her brown mane.

“How I waited to hear this since all these years” she finally smiled.