That Warm, Fuzzy Feeling

Sandip didn't want to get out of his bed. It was 5 AM on a cold morning. The alarm had shrilly informed everyone that it was time to get up. Sandip's parents had dragged themselves out of their beds and were moving about the apartment like zombies. Sandip just could not bring himself to get up. He was about to drift back into sleep when Alia floated into his thoughts. The memory of her tear stricken face punched him into his guts and made him wake up. He had been truly abysmal in his behaviour to her yesterday. He felt ashamed of himself and did not want to go back to school to face Alia but he knew he could not bunk again, not when the Bio teacher was after his skin for not depositing the notebook.

He got out of the bed with an ashen look on his face and got ready for the school quickly. His mother was pleasantly surprised for she remembered their epic shouting matches when she would try to force him out of his bed and he would deliberately dilly-dally to make her anxious. At 6:42 AM, he parked his bicycle and started walking towards the school gate when his eyes fell upon Alia. She was in her home dress. That implied that it was her birthday. All of a sudden, Sandip felt hopelessly tongue-tied. His feet kept dragging him closer to Alia and all he felt was a rising level of anxiety that seemed to reflect on his face.

"You OK?" Alia glanced at him and was immediately struck by his reddened face.

"Yeah, yeah," He managed to reply brusquely. She smiled beatifically and matched steps with him. After all, they were going to the same class.

For some moments they walked in silence as children poured around them, running and screaming. At long last, when they reached the stairs, both of them turned to face each other.

"Sorry about yesterday," He said.

"Sorry," She said.

"What are you saying sorry for?" He was flabbergasted.

"Yesterday I should not have needled you. I should not have made fun of you for reading manga."

"It is just manga, simple comics," Sandip shrugged.

"I know," She took the first step.

"Don't make it all about you," Sandip followed her. "I was first to apologize so just listen, ok?"

"OK."

"Well, I, uh, I am sorry for calling you a twit," He tried to look at her as he climbed up. "That was wrong of me. Really sorry."

"It is OK," She said with a hint of a smile on her lips. She herself didn't know why she started to tear up when Sandip mocked her. She had a crush on him since always and wanted to impress him. She had made a lame joke about him reading comics even when they were in class XIIth. It seemed that he was already on a short fuse and it just went downhill from there.

"No, it is not OK," He said and it forced her to look at him. "Look, I am really, really sorry. I did not know that it would make you cry so much. I don't know how to make it up to you but..."

"Oh, but there is a way you could make it up to me," She chirped up.

He looked at her with questioning eyes.

"Help me with calculus, please," She dragged the word please a bit and it made him smile.

"Sure."

They spent an hour after school that day in the library as they went over various sums of calculus. Then it became a sort of ritual for them. They would meet in the library and study for an hour together. Sometimes they would chat in whispers, sometimes they would focus on studies but those one hour sessions became something they both used to look out for. Within a month, their class was abuzz with rumours about them, that they were not only hanging out together but dating also. Their class teacher had to intervene. She threatened them that she would have to speak with their parents if they did not stop meeting in the library with immediate effect.

Sandip and Alia were devastated at first. It was pretty embarrassing for them to learn that they were being pointed out as Romeo-Juliet by their own classmates. Sandip and Alia knew deep down that they were no longer friends now, that their feelings had crossed over from the domain of friendship to something more, something new, something both frightening and appealing. They started to call each other then but it was difficult to chat for long. Sandip's mother began to keep a close watch on her son. Very soon, it devolved into shouting matches to make him put his phone down. Sandip's father then had to sit down with his son and try to understand his grievances but Sandip's got tongue-tied and too bashful to mention Alia.

The dates for pre-board exams were declared. Everyone got busy with their preparations. The school was closed for the winter vacation. The exams were scheduled to take place just after the school was to open after winter vacation. Sandip and Alia were separated. Moreover, the class teacher took it upon herself to warn Sandip's mother about Sandip's growing proximity with Alia. Sandip's mother instantly understood the reason behind her son's falling grades. She came back home and made Sandip dial Alia's number. Then she screamed at Alia and threatened her to stop bothering Sandip. She seized Sandip's phone and ensured that he was not to step out of the house unsupervised. It took a heavy toll on Sandip. He spent his days in a daze, staring angrily at his books. He went into a funk. A black cloud always seemed to hover over his head. He would burst out crying while taking showers. He stopped interacting with his mother and maintained low contact with his father.

Three days before the school reopened, Sandip's father took stock of Sandip's preparations and was alarmed at the shoddiness of it. He had a long chat with his son and after a lot of coaxing he finally found out that his son was sulking.

"Call her," Sandip's father advised. "Let her know that you are sorry about it all. Let her know that you are busy with your studies. Soon the board exams will start and then we have so many competitions coming up for engineering schools. If you waste this time, you will have years to mope about but if you are able to get into a good college, that would be the very first step towards a secure future. You need to focus on that. Tell your friend Alia to do the same."

Sandip refused to call Alia though. He was looking forward to meeting her. When the school opened, he reached the school on time and waited for Alia but she came very late and rushed into the class room to start taking the exam. Once the exam paper was done, she rushed out and went home. She avoided Sandip all through the exams. It broke Sandip's heart.

When the result of the preboard exams was declared, Sandip had done really poorly but he had passed all his papers so he was allowed to appear for the board examination. He turned all his anger and resentment on his books. He would study for 15 hours each day, going downstairs for an hour to get some exercise. His mother was now very happy.

Alia avoided Sandip all through the board examinations too. Sandip missed her terribly and the sight of her laughing with her friends made him tear up but he stayed strong. He went back to his books and kept burning the candle at both ends for the elusive IIT JEE. At long last, the JEE was done too. Sandip knew he could have done better but he was still pleased with his preparations.

He was left alone to while away his time. No one asked him to pick up a book now. All of them waited for the result day. Two days later Sandip got a call from Alia. He did not take the call. A message then pinged. It was from Alia. "Sorry but please accept the call!"

He received the call when the phone rang again. His hands began to shake and his breath suddenly became laboured.

"I know you are angry, buddy," Alia said, "and all I can say is sorry but you must understand why I did what I did."

She then proceeded to share with him all that had transpired with her. After Sandip's mother had screamed and ranted at her, Alia had felt really filthy, like someone had heaped a whole lot of dirt over her but the wounds inflicted on her were mental and emotional ones. She had cried to her grandmother who had consoled her.

"Nani told me that I must empathize with your mother," Alia said. "After all, you are her only son and if your career is derailed because of me, then that would be a regret I would carry to my grave. And I always wanted the best for you. So finally I understood that I would have to get away from you so that you could find your way back. You were always A grade student while I was always C grade. I love chatting and passing time for I don't really care about my future but you, my friend, have to understand that many people depend on you and you can't fail them."

They chatted for around an hour and this time around Sandip's mother did not interrupt them. From the balcony, Sandip watched the sun descend the horizon as a big, red ball and despite the cold breeze, he felt a warmth inside him that he had missed for months. His mind was finally at peace. Alia had shed tears of joy during their call. She had truly missed him and that feeling gave Sandip a head rush. He wanted to stand still and enjoy the sunset and he also wanted to dance like crazy.

"Bliss and ecstasy," He thought. "How can they go together? What is this warm feeling inside me?"

The world around him whirled dizzily but Sandip just kept staring at the clear, blue skies and the big, red ball now half eclipsed.