Soliloquy

I still love the orchards where we had mango trees. A different and unique variety of mango trees that always flowered in December and gave fruits in the midsummer rains. We ran like crazy bunches to get hold of the mangoes, but I wanted to see the way how the wind sways the branches and I wanted to enjoy the fragrance of the first rain. I would stare into the snake forest where we worshipped idols of snakes, the queen king, and her associates. I thought when the rain pour into the huge sand dune made by termites there, a golden color snake would appear.

I was the strangest of all the kids the family had. I have seen my grandmother name mango trees and would in a sigh say, most were cut for each cremation and our ancestors selected their own. I fancy today I would be cremated were, in this foreign land which I have no affection due to its capitalistic perspective. Nah I need a place in Manikarnika ghat. Is that too much to dream of, I don't know.

The snake forest had a rare pond, my cousin made me believe during nights celestial nymphs would come there and there would be a heavenly symphony.

Of all in the family tree, grandma instilled her herbal wisdom and folklore in me. She never scolded me when I spent hours talking to trees, requested plants before plucking them, and remained with docile pets than humans.

I was a magic kid . A kid who trusted Krishna was a dear friend and badly and vehemently wanted to marry him. When I met Anand my inclination was to think he is an incarnation of Krishna as he is the only one I wanted to marry.

Life is not always what we want it to be. Faces came and went in life . Today I do not wait for anyone....to fill my empty wine glass. I pour it with the sweetest wines and rest listening to Rafi and Lathaji.

I love the freedom of a quarter of the sky and land I have in my native. But the terrifying queue of people at the passport offices, job fairs, and beverages corporation scares me out.I am intolerant of the fact that the vast so-called majority is now an actual minority and reservation is based on caste still and not on economic profile.

People struggle for their life but I truly now realize that life is a celebration in my land and not boozing and vaping is the only fun, I do not want to mention certain others.

I prefer the kind of independence existing there where society forms a cultural cushion. But speaking of advancements I believe the transgender community deserved a bit more consideration and so do commercial sex workers.

Of all I hated was notorious channel discussions making a fool of common people.But beyond religion culture, Bollywood or Tollywood life has a kind of reverberation on the peninsula. Every matter has a soul and is in communion with each other.

But from childhood, I am a nomad. A gypsy never settling,lost in self. I am bipolar and it just made my creativity at its best and my life at its worst. Of all who Despised me is and was my husband irrespective of 20 years of turbulent arranged marriage. I Knew it but never let it torture my being beyond a level.

Arranged marriage....is a big question mark for me ..or rather marriage itself.I always found his unsatisfied way of looking at me from day one till date.I was always something not up to his satiety level.May be he is too perfect and his standards were too high to accomodate me ,the way I am...or may be he loves me and that language is difficult to comprehend. We adjust ,we understand, we sacrifice.....but I wish it was great if people could accept any one as they are .But life goes on in its twists and turns 

He'll or heaven it is here,on this sphere.I always saw myself crossing veils of worlds.Death and birth were to me a travel in time-space and matter.

Children, job , in life's so many attributes I felt I am a loner. I still don't call life's failings my mistakes because when I did it my heart was affected in too.

I have been talking to corn farms the sky,the pagan celebrations I love Dover,small but beautiful and calm...making me live a 100 years back in the time world is in.