Sleeplessness

The curtains whizzed by, swaying sideways to the tune of the gentle breeze that kept humming through them. Moonlight lustered upon the closed window, making the starry yet darkling sky absolutely visible to me. A blanket of dormancy reigned the far away horizon that I could obscurely see beyond the closed window of my room. Whereas, for me, it was just another night where every bone of my existence craved slumber to prevail and engulf them. It was just another night, where my soul begged for slumber to devour me whole. It was just another night for me, where I needed slumber to rend me away from the embers of the past that kept burning behind those sleep-deprived eyes of mine.

Hugging the duvet close to my face, I clenched my fingers around it when familiar yet unknown chaos roared behind those lids of mine. I could see it - a fleeting moment from the past flashing across my closed eyes. I could see him, peeking through the half-opened door of my room - the door that I remembered locking meticulously before heading to sleep. I could see a faint silhouette that held a semblance of him approaching my bed, while I laid there with my eyes half-closed. I could see him slipping underneath the duvet that I held close to me, while I pretended to sleep soundly. I could see him - that lover of mine, sliding his arms around me and pulling me closer and holding me tighter while I turned slowly to run my hands along the side of his face. I could see a smile blooming on that face of mine as he bent to peck my cheeks - a smile that once belonged to my lips. And then, I saw the memory shredding into fragments with a blackness covering every part of it. And that was when my eyes fluttered open.

I blinked, not once, not twice but thrice as I rubbed my palms across the aching temples. The tips of my fingers soaked the beads of sweat that lingered upon my forehead as I tried to calm my racing heart. I glanced around the other side of my bed, relieved when I saw no trace of him anymore. "And how would there be any when it was just my mind playing through those memories of ours? " - I muttered under my breath while shaking my head in an attempt to shrug away the remnants of the past that kept recurring behind my lids.

Pulling the duvet over my head, I decided to get back to what I was supposed to do in the middle of the night - and that was to give myself the peace of slumber. I shut my eyes tightly, chanting a silent prayer to the universe to lull me into those deep alleys of slumber, and not of the memories that were long ago locked away in the segregated and forbidden depths of my mind. I felt the unkempt heaving of my chest finally getting back its normalcy when I could see something appearing behind those bloodshot and sleepless eyes of mine - perhaps yet another bit of the past that remained numb in the nooks of my mind. I could see it - another snippet of the past that he made it so hard to forget enlivening behind my shut lids, mercilessly causing them to sting and ache. I could see myself tumbling back to the day when he had vowed to be solely mine.

I could see him fiddling with the small black box that he kept concealed in his fist while I stood with apprehension settling in my heart making me gasp for air. I could see him kneeling on his knees, and putting his hand forth for me to hold it. I could see those lips of his moving - perhaps saying the words that were still engraved perfectly amid the cracks of my mended heart. I could see him professing the love that he said to retain deep in his heart for me while I stood there wordless with a profound glint in my eyes - a glint that was now lost somewhere far away from those eyes of mine. I could see him wrapping his arms around me while I nestled in his chest with a curve on my lips that I failed to recognize anymore. And then, a hue of blurriness took over the bit of the past that I once shared with him. And that was when I opened my eyes as my breaths hitched at the base of my parched throat.

And that was when, I turned to my other side unable to withstand how the sewn cracks that laid dormant on that heart of mine kept resurfacing one by one, once again causing the forgotten ache to spread throughout my insides.

Yanking the pillow over my head, I begged for sleep to come and seize every part of me that writhed with the shards of the past gnawing at every inch of me. I felt the fervidness of desperation that had now settled in the chambers of my heart - the desperation of slumber to vanquish every memory that was inscribed in the depths of my mind. I felt my breaths finally falling back to its regular pace when I could see the flame of a repressed memory resuscitating and playing across my swollen eyes. I could see myself being dragged to one of those umpteen nights where I used to rest my head against those callous shoulders of his while he gazed at the stars that sparkled and twinkled above us. I could see his fingers running through my hair, and pushing the loose ends away from my forehead. I could see the faint smile that played on those tempting lips of his when I entwined my hand with his. I could see him saying something about the stars while I kept drowning in those honey-like brown orbs of his without listening to whatever he said looking right through my soul. I could see those arms of his fastened around my waist, securing me from every odd that life had stacked against me. I could see us sitting under the open sky while marveling at the lambency that it bestowed upon the two of us. And I could see the girl whose nutshell I had now become. But then, I saw dots of darkness staining that sweet memory of his and mine. And that was when I brought myself back from the night that reiterated itself behind my eyes.

I tossed the pillow out of the bed as I let out a puff of annoyance before running my hands through my hair, discreetly trying to find any bit of his presence loitering amid those tresses of mine. But there was none, and what remained was the ache that now resided in every fiber of my being while my soul bore a perpetual thirst for the serenity of a good night's sleep.

Grabbing the half-emptied jar from my bedside table, my hands halted in midway - because now it was futile to gulp these sleeping pills to cease the quench for a sleep that did not contain a bit of his presence haunting me, and neither those images of the past that held every moment we once shared with the bliss of togetherness.

Banging my head against the headboard of the bed, I closed my eyes seeking whatever tad of slumber that remained behind them to show its grace and take the reign of my being. I felt the jagged beats of my heart gaining its usual rhythm back when faint outlines arose from the corners of my lids. I could see one of those countless instants where he would rush towards me and twirl me in his arms while I laughed in a way that now seemed foreign to me. I could see one of those moments emerging back to life behind my eyes where he would tighten his hold around me before enclasping his fingers at the base of my neck. I could see the fractions of the past where his lips would seamlessly melt onto mine while I breathed in every bit of the warmth that his presence used to give me. I could see him sealing his fate with that of mine while I devoted a part of me to him till I breathed my last.

And that was when I felt my fingers curling around the duvets and holding them tight until my knuckles turned white. That was when I felt my mended heart bursting out into shards that once were decorated to love him, and only him. And that was when I felt my soul falling apart once again as the events of the past kept unfolding behind my closed and hurting eyes. I cracked my eyes open, this time slowly as they stung and burned with the tears that were shed a long time ago.

I laid on my back, staring blankly at the ceiling while the void that now laid bare right at the center of my heart started to expand and enlarge, irrefutably reminding me of the part of my soul that I lost along with him.

I sat up straight, bringing my knees together before resting my head atop them. My eyes shut themselves willingly - perhaps in the hope to get riddance from this ceaseless pain of sleeplessness. Or perhaps, in the hope to salvage minimal sleep from the abyss of the past that kept reoccurring behind them. I felt the exhaustion radiating from every nerve of my being as I finally succumbed to the fumes of the past that kept choking and strangling every bit of the sleep that I was ever destined to get. And there, I could see yet another remnant of ours unraveling right behind my eyelids.

I could see him once again, I could see us, rather those banters that later turned into ugly fights; I could see us, rather those laughs that turned into ear-splitting screams and shouts; I could see us pulling through every hideous squabbles and storm but then I could also see the way he commenced to give up on us bit by bit. I could see the luster of the moon glistening across his face as I began to relive the night when he had torn my world apart into zillion of pieces. I could see the night repeating itself behind the closed lids of my eyes where he had walked away from me. I could see him ripping my hands away from that of his while uttering words that cut through every flesh of my being. I could see him retreating from my life as he spat words such as quitting, doubts, incertitude and burdensome and whatnot that still retained their scars on my flesh. I could see him letting go of me - rather of us while I stood there with dread numbing every inch of me. I could see him finally throwing away the part of me that I had given to him, and crushing it into shreds of the girl who once loved him with her all. I could see him finally giving up on me, and on us while rendering me utterly devastated and dumbfounded to realize that was the end of what I believed to last for a lifetime. I could see him - that lover of mine, this time going far away from me while leaving behind a girl who was too shaken and battered after knowing the doom that a heartache could bring.

And then, I could see it - the horrible end of the chapter that still took hold of every part of my life, constantly chaining me from moving away from that bliss and blisters of the past that I once thought to be an abiding love. That was when, I could see the walls that I built around myself since the day he gave up on us, leaving all the dreams trampled and tainting every precious memory that we ever shared with an everlasting bitterness. That was when, I could see my entire world getting wrecked and crumbled while he left splashing the cold reality upon my hollow soul - the reality that he gave up so easily while I kept holding onto the love that he claimed to have for me.

I wrenched open my eyes while trapping the wails between my lips. I looked around myself when streaks of sunlight lustered through the curtains as the dawn finally broke out prevailing the darkness of the night. Getting out of the bed while wrapping the duvet around my stiff body, I headed towards the mirror in front of me. My steps wavered, my body trembled - perhaps from the lack of sleep, or maybe from the shadows of the past that never left me alone to get healed. I stared at my own reflection, flinching when I traced the bags under my eyes that sucked all the dazzle that they ever had. I looked down at my feet, scared to see those puffed and bloodshot eyes of mine. I reeked of emptiness, along with the weariness that dwelled in every nerve of me due to the perennial sleeplessness that he left behind with his absence. I felt the familiar claws of numbness creeping inside of me, filling me with the hollowness that now seemed to be my companion for the rest of my life.

I felt the same fear to crawl at my insides, causing me to be scared at the very thought of closing my eyes for a split second.

For now, it seemed impossible to shut my eyes and not long for the placidity of sleep that forsaken my eyes since the day he left behind those fragments of him that kept gnawing at the depths of my mind. For now, it seemed impossible to shut my eyes, and not brutally ache from the flashbacks of the past that kept raveling in the depths of my mind. For now, it was impossible to shut my eyes and sleep peacefully without the iterating scenarios of the past that held every bit of him at the very core of it.

Stepping away from the mirror, and clutching onto my chest trying to soothe away the pain that kept raging inside of me I knelt down on the cold marble floor. I let the coldness of the floor to soak my insides as I miserably failed again to get my slumber back. I let the emptiness to laugh at me as I still bled from the burns of the past and smiled whenever a dear memory of us vivified the barrenness of my soul. I let cries of despair and desperation break out of my mouth as I once again survived through the sleepless hours of yet another night while holding onto the memories that kept running behind those doomed eyes of mine. And that was how I found myself bracing the rays of the rising sun that depicted a new day and a night again filled with anything but the peace of a good night's sleep.

"Would I ever get my share of slumber back, without the scraps of the past flashing behind my eyes and stabbing my heart every time I tried to move past the hollowness that he had imprinted upon my soul? "- I half screamed into space before letting out a series of yawns and making myself a mug of caffeine.