Pashmina

Whooshing across my curled up body, the tenderly bone-chilling breeze of the early winters kept biting through my flesh while the hammock tirelessly swayed back and forth. My mind danced to the melodic creaking of the hammock while the cold tips of my fingers kept drumming dreamily upon the edges of the Pashmina shawl that rested in my lap. Leaning my head against one of the wooden string of the hammock, I roved around the finely sewn adornments of the shawl with the utmost gentleness, as if scared to taint a bit of it with the stolidness of my own fingers; while my eyes hardly ceased to dive neath the forbidden, locked away depths of my mind as the scraps of memories that laid buried amidst the umpteen threads of this shawl beckoningly vivified behind these lids of mine. 

I remembered it was an early winter morning, where tiptoeing my way towards the balcony I halted in my steps only to look over my shoulder, just to see you rushing through that wooden door of my house and engulf me in those arms of yours where I solely belonged. Alas, you weren't there love. Sliding the door open, I couldn't help but flinch as quivers of coldness cascaded along the spine of my back as the rising sun and its meek streaks embraced me wholly. Enclasping the rusted railing of the balcony, I tried my best to rejoice in the incomprehensible chattering of the ravens that kept meandering far away on the horizon, yet it was there, the longing for you captivating every bit of my insides with a perpetual melancholiness. For my love, I couldn't resist yearning for the warmth of yours that had become the essence of my core, and without which I had forgotten how to be the best of myself anymore. But then, I heard that familiar sound of twisting the doorknob open, and those footsteps that emanated nothing but the sheer semblance of yours. I remembered, holding the railing tight until its rusty and jagged edges pricked the flesh of my palm while my heart leaped with the delight to bask in your presence. And there my love, I felt the fervidness of yours melding into every inch of me as I became a captive of your arms again while you draped something around my frigid shoulders. I turned around to look at you while all you ever did was to cast that lopsided smile upon me, and there it was- the Pashmina shawl wrapped around me, imparting its warmth in every fiber of my being as bits that held your presence kept embedding themselves in the kernels of my being filling me with nothing but love, so unconditional and so selfless like yours. I remembered, propping onto my ankles before meeting those lips of yours while you held me tight and secure to the home of mine where I irrefutably belonged for the rest of my life. For you were my home, and this Pashmina was the sole witness to the love that was meant to thrive everlastingly amid the two of us. 

I remembered the dawns that I had spent in the warmth of this shawl as we sat on the steps of our front porch while sipping on the mugs of perfect black coffee and gazing at the multihued streaks of the sun that was soon going to peek at us from its momentary hiatus. I remembered the late noons that I had spent awaiting to hear the name of mine to roll off your tongue effortlessly only in the fervent search of me, while tucking the shawl under my chin as the fragrance of yours never ceased to tickle my nostrils, incessantly making me long to see the mere glimpse of yours after the grueling hours away at work. I remembered, the dusks that I had spent curling my fist around the shawl and holding it close to my chest while the other hand of mine remained enlaced with yours as we laid under the darkling sky, marveling at the luster of the zillion stars that adorned the blank canvas of the sky just like the way you, complemented every tad of my being that craved for completeness.

I remembered the evenings that I had spent muffled up in this shawl and resting my head against your forearms as you relentlessly twirled the loose tresses of mine between those poised fingers of yours while the giggles of yours and mine echoed throughout the space in the middle of our dearest sitcoms. I remembered the nights where I had woken up in the middle of sleep from the fright of losing you along with beads of sweats covering my forehead as shrieks and shrills strangled the base of my throat while you used to swaddle me in that shawl before pulling me into your embrace and hushing me with the soothing lullabies of that unending togetherness of ours.

I remembered my love, every beauteous fragment of the blissfulness that had been irretrievably engraved upon the woolen nooks of this velvety Pashmina by the countless times that you and I had spent being hopelessly drowned in the chasm of a love that had only been known to bring the best out of us, and abiding with us till we breathe our last. 

Adjusting the cushion a bit more behind my back, I brought the Pashmina to my cheek letting its richly hued fibrous patterns to fondle my callous skin. My fingers once again, traced the seamless rims of it while I leaned into the warmth of the shawl when I found myself wincing before a bitter cry escaped from those parched lips of mine. Bringing my palm forth, I saw a patch of redness appearing upon it as one of the unpleasantly protruding thread seemed to have pricked me. And there, I could see it all coming back - the worst. I could see those remnants of the worst memories that had been carved amid the uncountable embellishments of this shawl, clawing their way out of the secluded and oppressed corners of my mind before flooding back to my insides, only to make me bleed with the snippets of a love such as ours that had ghastly turned into nothing but a pit of hollowing miseries. 

I remembered it all, vividly as if it had only happened a while ago. I remembered it was just another night of winter where padding my way into the balcony I couldn't help but clutch my chest with the back of my hand as the harsh winds of an approaching blizzard ceaselessly slapped across my face. Gripping the railings hard, I stood static, afraid to spare a mere look at the sky that I no longer could recognize. Dark mighty clouds growled and grumbled erasing every bit of the placidity that the sky had ever retained while blitz of an unnerving coldness never ceased to reverberate through the bones of my being. 

And there my love, I remembered hearing the familiar sound of the doorknob twisting. But then, I had heard the slamming of the door and footsteps that hardly reeked of your presence that should have already calmed me during this abrupt tumult of a winter storm. Turning around swiftly, I saw you rushing through the wooden door as you burned in an inferno of fury and distress that was utterly foreign to me. You met my gaze, perhaps for a split second before tersely averting your eyes from mine while I could barely hold myself back from walking towards you with queries filled with concerns. And every time I attempted to reach out for you, all you did was to wrench yourself away from me until you stomped off to the balcony while I wondered whether you wanted to see those enormous flakes of snow that had begun to pour down. But soon, you halted midway before gripping the edge of the table that stood beside the balcony door while I could see the heaving of your chest that only tightened the knots of trepidation in the pits of my stomach. And I remembered, calling out your name one more time before lifting my feet to wipe out the distance of few feet amid us when you seized the porcelain vase from that table before hurling it all the way at me while I remained adhered to the cold marbled floor, wretchedly incapacitated to take any stance to fend myself from the one who had been my shield all the while.

And there I remembered, the deafening sound of the vase smashing across the floor without any mercy; I remembered, the sound of the thunders that raged between the darkling clouds, and I remembered the muted blare of the driblets of blood that meekly trickled down the side of my forehead and falling beneath my feet with soft thuds, yet loud enough to leave me absolutely numbed. 

Getting off the hammock, I cringed slightly as the sudden creaking of it pierced through my ears. Clenching my fists around the shawl I swung it across the room, while my eyes trailing behind it as it flew jaggedly before meeting the floor soundlessly. But then, I couldn't refrain from inching towards only to pull it into my lap once again, as the shreds of that night kept playing across my lids without any cessation.

And I remembered the way you had rushed off to grab this very shawl before draping it around me as if shrouding me with oblivion to annihilate whatsoever that had transpired, while I remained numbed not from the arctic winds of the blizzard but from the impact of that vase upon my flesh. I remembered, the way you muttered apologies of the littlest profundity, for deeming me the medium to vent out the heap of vexation that had been eating away at your insides while I held the shawl begging for its warmth to devour me whole and away from the world of mine that kept crumbling down with every lapsing second. I remembered the way I had let you dress the long gash that had permanently invaded the smooth forehead of mine that you loved to peck every day and night, while I trembled from the weight of the devastation of my heart as it kept collapsing into shards right against my ribs. I remembered, the way I had spent the rest of the night away from you, wrapped up in the shawl while plucking the courage from the pits of my shattering soul for giving another chance to you and to us rather than heeding to the reflection of mine that screamed at me to get up and walk away. 

Kneeling down beside the hammock that now stood motionless and empty, I stared blankly at the shawl in my lap, with eyes that now stung with the unshed tears that remained caged in the corner of them while my throat could no longer captivate the wails of anguish that now threatened to break out of me. I tried to break my gaze away from it but miserably failed as my heart began to ache with the voids that resurfaced only to drag my razed soul to the verge of fragmentation once again.  

"And how could I not remember the days that followed by bringing the iteration of your actions along with the facile words of rues and regrets, while I sought solace in this shawl to alleviate the aching bruises that were inscribed upon me by the hands that once used to caress every inch of my being with sheer tenderness? How could I not remember the afternoons that followed by where the once bemusing bickers of ours turned into hideous banters and eventually ending with the resounding slams of the door, while I probed every embroidery of this shawl to hear the proclamations of love that we had uttered to one another the day you had given me this as a souvenir of our togetherness? How could I not remember the eves that followed by where my eyes used to flutter open when the nightmares of being close to you for a fraction of second filled me with horridness rather with the fears of losing you, while I pleaded for comfort in this shawl for you slept soundly with your back away from me? How could I not remember my love, those hours those minutes and those seconds that followed by since the instant I had committed the blunder of sparing another chance to you and to us that had led to nothing but to this scarred body of mine along with a heart that had been broken beyond redemption only for loving you selflessly, while you commenced to love me only as a means of attaining riddance from the toxic ire of yours. " - I heard myself half whispering to the nothingness that was now the sole companion of mine.

Rays of the setting sun glistened across the closed window of my room, before casting a soft shimmer upon my face. I looked right at the orange horizon as a curve tugged at the corners of my lips, reminding me of what was yet to enliven behind my lids - the moment that marked the horrendous end of the love that I had once foolishly believed to last throughout this lifetime of mine. Glancing back at the shawl, I could see the fleeting glimpse of the moment when those arms of yours had snaked around my waist, holding a grip on me that failed to give me the sense of security anymore while I, simply had turned around to look at those eyes that no longer mirrored the unconditional love that you had given me rather the abyss of pain that you kept dipping me into with the pretext for repentance. I could see the moment when I had wriggled out of the shackles of your arms as I kept tearing myself apart from you while you kept yelling remorsefully for another chance despite never deserving one. I could see the moment when I had at last stepped out of the threshold of the place where I had once belonged, and walking away from you, from the anguishing pit of dolour while clasping this very Pashmina close to me as the numbing hollowness that dwelled inside of me hardly quelled to waver the steps of mine that I had finally begun to walk on the path of putting myself first and foremost.  

And all this while, the sole witness to the agonizing turmoil of mine that kept swallowing me in the entirety was this shawl, that now spat malice at me, laughing at the way I had shrouded myself with the deluding phantasms of an imperishable togetherness that was once only known to bring the best out of me. And now, I couldn't afford to hold onto this shawl anymore; for every time I attempted to move past the alleys of this bygone love, the memories, be it the best or the worst ones, it would only chain me from letting go of bliss of the past that had rendered me with blistering aftermath.  

Letting the tips of my fingers to stoically brush against the softness of the shawl for one last time, I walked to the window before snapping it open. It was just another evening of the late autumns, and the lucid sky along with the fiery beams of the sun, I knew I wouldn't long for the warmth of this shawl anymore. Hence, holding the Pashmina out of the window, I let it fly away across the flaring skyline along with the shards of my being that had once been wrecked with brokenness; just like the way, the adjacent trees kept shedding their withered leaves in splendor only to revitalize themselves with the opulence of wholeness once again.