Isn’t it threatening to confront a wound that has been cut a long time ago? The thought of opening it again gives chills because you know that you will cry in the middle of the night and the tears will be unstoppable. You will beg for whoever god you know to stop the pain because you cannot handle it anymore. You tried to reach for your phone and opened your messenger, scrolled through the names, and decided to turn it off again. You do not want anyone to be dragged into the mess that you are currently in. You do not desire to take them into your quicksand because it is dirty and drowning. Left alone, you have nothing to do but to fold your knees and cry.
You wonder why this has happened to you. You are such a good girl with pure intentions and if you hurt someone, you pray for it immediately. But why does vulnerability became an agent of strength for the enemy? How kindness became a weapon for evil? Why expressions of truth became targets of manipulations and betrayal? You do not know the answers but you continue to ask these. You go hard on yourself and started to agree on everyone. Yes, you are hated by all.
Yes, you do not deserve any of these. Yes, you want to stop the pain by pointing the knife to that wrist of yours. But you stop. You thought of your parents and your dreams, your favorite choco butternut, your dream vacation, and your life. At the end of it, you write a narrative while crying. You want to end everything but you decided to continue once more. But how long should I walk? My feet are starting to struggle and my heart died out ages ago. My soul cannot be filled in again. How long should I fight for a battle, when cockroaches and rats are consuming me?