Innocence

As I hopped on the bus with my 2 best friends waving goodbye to me, I sat at the very back, close to where the bigger kids were and midway to the smaller and younger kids. Yes, I was on an integrated or international school bus, where there are people of all ages. As the bus closed its door and prepared to depart from what many people around me called prison, all the younger kids started goofing around, yelling, singing, trying to meet new people and initiate new conversations and also being annoying to me and everyone else.

When someone sees a young kid on the bus, they would usually think it's cute, they are funny and are like a chocolate bar and even a fire that warms the soul in you. Sometimes they would think they are annoying, always getting on your nerve and you tell to not disturb, and that's normal. Usually, I would see if the bigger kids were ever annoyed, they would set an example, be grown and would ask them not to disturb them, and the kid would stop, think and understand. Sometimes, bigger kids can connect and help smaller kids.

Sounds normal right? But to me, when looking at smaller kids, I saw two things, innocence and vulnerability, I always had a nightmare, although me, a big kid myself I would always be unaffected, I accepted the environment and would always spend time with both big and small kids, when looking at small kids sometimes, it reminded me of nightmarish memories when I was their age.

All of this happened 6-8 years ago and I still can't let my mind move on from it. Back then I was 7-8 years old. I used to be a small kid, I would always try to peep into different conversations, I would always be interested in certain topics, I would always be goofy and such, Sometimes I was annoying to the many kids in my very very old school back then, and fun fact, back then I usually was always curious of certain things and would always be very protective and closed minded about my beliefs. And that is ok, it is pretty common to many people and even many small kids and elementary kids, how it is hard to accept being wrong and also hard to open up more.

Now days I understand that I shouldn't have been annoying, I should always be polite and should be open minded, I am open minded to new ideas, beliefs and respect other people's opinions and beliefs. I understand this is partially my fault for what happened and the bullying that would haunt me for 8 years from that time. In class, I would openly share my experiences and would try to be open to others, but it didn't work that way, despite being an open door about my life, where no one my age back then would have any dark secrets to hide from, I would usually share on common interests I liked. Things that warmed the soul and made me feel like there was some light in life. But when sharing these interests from favourite toys and shows to what I liked to do, I instead was met with hundreds of eyeballs shooting lasers and messages to go to hell and instantly judging me for what I liked to do, like it was a crime and it was such a drama in the grade.

In the bus, it was no better. I was an average 7 or 8 year old kid back then, I understand now reflecting that I shouldn't have been annoying or any of the characteristics back then I had, to a big person or someone many years older than me, and I understand and respect different people. Usually, if there is a presence that bothers us from our peaceful domicile, we would gently ask and we would usually talk with others and have basic resolution. Their reactions however, were indescribable, they yelled, they insulted and mocked me for this, and not new, but they would even threaten to punch me in the face.

I would always be scared and even tried to tell my parents about it, but the explanation and my words were blocked with the age and learning wall, and I couldn't get the words out to defend myself or get my voice heard. At the end, I had to suffer in silence and such influences also made me a horrible person in life. When I left that school, after 2 years from such things I recovered from this bullying that I thought would never end, I managed to get new friends, reprogram, restructure and fix myself once again from when my life was in ruins and build a foundation for my life again. I am now a better person from this recovery and I am thankful from learning, reflecting and for this change.

Today, whenever I see a small kid and with the same traits, I would see them as normal and cute, I am more mature about the situation and also how to manage such a situation and when there is such a thing, try to be peaceful and try to make a conversation, reflect your intentions before you act them out. But at the same time, whenever I see them, a million fears in the form of a tsunami come rushing towards me and I picture them in my situation when I was a little kid, being bullied mercilessly. I would fear that they might experience such a thing as I experienced and this experience and this bullying is something that no kid I have learnt and reflected throughout the years deserve. No kid deserves to be bullied, yet they either can't get their words out or the school doesn't report such actions.

Even if today I still have a few memories, It doesn't affect me now, I am now more tolerant and humble, I am never a bulldog here to always strike and react to it in such a manner.

As the bus continued, one kid came to me and decided to talk with me also. I remembered, and I decided yes, nothing wrong in a conversation and nothing wrong in talking either, I feel much better now then I did 8 years ago. Yes, me and many others still complain and ask them to stop if the annoying on the bus grows out of control like left behind rising dough on the table, but at the same time we understand this in an ethical context, understanding both sides, and forming conclusion at the end, instead of acting with our fists, we act with our minds and our hearts.