The Cursed Wrist Of Mine

Shudders erupted along the spine of my back, as I slowly lifted my eyes to look at that wrist of mine. The familiar cracks that laid buried in the hollow depths of my heart began to resurface bit by bit, as I trailed the tips of my fingers stoically along the letters that were engraved on my wrist. The nasty claws of emptiness that remained hidden in some numbed corner of my soul started to creep inside of me, and slowly rending open every mended wound of mine as my lips read those initials of the names wordlessly - the names that scarred my wrist for the rest of my life.

Gripping the edge of the windowsill, I let its coldness pierce through my insides as I broke my gaze away from the initials that were still inscribed on my flesh with lucid black ink. I stared out of the window, mainly gazing at those clouds that kept rolling past one another seamlessly across the translucently blue canvas - when it all recurred right across those opened eyes of mine. I saw the secluded memory gradually unraveling from that forbidden depth of my mind, and enlivening right in front of my bare eyes. I could see it - rather I could see that night when I got those initials of ours tattooed on my wrist.

 I could see myself sneaking through the half-opened door of the house that I used to once share with you. I could see myself propping on my heels with a sly curve blooming on my lips as I walked towards that room of ours. I could see you, my love, standing by the window with your hands in your pockets as I waited apprehensively while clutching my wrist close to my chest. And then, I could see the way I had halted right behind you before snaking my arms around you as I waited for the clock to strike at twelve.

I could see you turning around, and twirling me in those arms of yours while my giggles kept reverberating across the whole room. I could see that smile of yours bleeding off your face upon seeing the small bandaid wrapped around my wrist. I could see the surge of panic that had seized every part of you, causing those horrible frowns to take over that smooth forehead of yours.

A faint outline of a smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I remembered the way I had broken into several fits of laughter upon seeing that panic-stricken face of yours. And then, I could see myself showing your birthday present to you while grinning to the teeth like a toddler whose happiness had known no bounds after getting its most wanted toy. And there it was, the smile back at those lips of yours. I could see you staring at my wrist with disbelief painted all over your face but with something so immense, and so profound in those brown orbs of yours. I could see you, leaning your forehead onto mine as your eyes kept professing every bit of whatever you felt for me and treasured in that heart of yours. Perhaps, all you ever felt for me was love -that was supposed to be the one of a kind that people said to be so rare and hard to find. Or maybe, all you ever felt for me was love - the one that was supposed to be imperishably embedded in the chambers of my heart but never be in that fate of mine.

I stared hard at the sky, and at those white puffs adorning it magnificently when tint of black appeared, slowly darkling and obscuring the beautiful fragment of the past that I was reliving through those opened lids of mine. I let out a sigh, startled when I found no heaviness or agony coming out along with it. I shook my head sideways in a discreet attempt to erase those heavenly yet dooming memories of the love that I was only destined to get for a short period of time, and not for the rest of my life.

Drumming my fingers on the windowsill, I let my eyes wander far beyond the horizon that burned in orange flames as the sun kept sinking with every passing second. I placed my palm at the top of my wrist, keeping those initials away from my meandering eyes.

But then, a sharp ache bolted across my insides when I couldn't help but look down at that wrist of mine, and seeing how those initials kept peeking out only to sneer at the anguish that threatened to wreck through me. And there those were back - the few scraps from the past that I still couldn't help but hold dear to that segregated depth of my mind. Closing my eyes, I could see those precious and cherished moments of ours playing through my head once again but this time behind those closed eyes of mine.

I could see those glimpse of the afternoons where you would gently press your lips on my wrist while I laid there nestled against your chest after long and grueling hours away at work. I could see those views of the times when we would haplessly stand in the verandah while I kept my hands entwined with yours and all you would do was to keep tracing those tiny black hearts that laid above our initials on my wrist. I could see those snippets from the countless mornings where I used to catch you swaying to the beats of the music while you brewed the flawless mugs of coffee for us and I, I would silently sneak up on you to drape my arms around you only to see that smile glowing on your mouth the instant you caught the sight of our names resting on that wrist of mine. I could see glances of all those evenings that we once shared on the terrace, where you kept running your fingers through my tresses while I gazed at those sparkling stars that seemed to rejoice in our togetherness that I believed to last through every storm and stress. I could see those remnants of the umpteen nights that you and I had spent being entangled with one another as you held me tight, soothingly rubbing circles on that wrist of mine and lulling me into the sweetness of slumber, while I slept with a certain placidity of being shielded from every thorn of life that awaited to prick me in your absence.

I could see every remembrance of ours ceaselessly flashing behind those eyes of mine. I could live every memory of ours that you and I had once created being utterly drowned and lost in the abyss that held nothing but the sheer bliss of a love that was supposed to abide with us till we breathed our last.

Inhaling sharply, I found myself panting for the breaths that seemed to be hitched in my throat. My eyes cracked open, slowly as they kept hurting from the bliss of the past that left irrefutable blisters on every inch of my heart. I got off the windowsill, slightly wavering in my steps as I felt the walls closing in on me. I latched onto the curtains that kept darting back and forth beside me, holding them tight as my mind swirled unceasingly and pounding vigorously against that skull of mine. And that was when, I could see those coming back - the worst ones unbridling from the barred nooks of my mind. I could see those worst ones paving their way to my head again - to overshadow every good memory of ours that I kept treasured in the back of my mind, and only to make my soul bleed and perish once again.

Rubbing my clammy palms across my temples, I saw it vividly - the bliss of the past turning into a horrendous and scorching flame that ended up bruising me for a lifetime. I could see it- the day as patent as ever, right in front of me resuscitating once again to stab my heart, causing it to be shattered and explode into shards that I never knew could have existed before. I could see it- the day when the sky held a fierce blaze as it burned in the rays of the rising sun, and casting a soft glimmer on that face of yours that I could see perfectly from the other side of the street. I could see the waving of your hands as you stood across the street, on the pavement and waiting for the signal to go red. I could see that broad smile that danced on the brinks of your mouth as you kept grinning at me while hiding my favorite bunch of lilies behind your back. I could see the restlessness settling in the pits of your soul as you kept tapping your feet on the concrete impatiently.

I could see you stepping onto the street the moment the signal turned red and the eagerness that you undeniably emanated only to hasten your way to me and grab me in those arms of yours.

And then, I could cognize the worst approaching fast yet deliberately and laying barren across my eyes. I could see you my love, rushing across the street but never reaching me at all. I could see you crossing the street, and getting hit by the motor truck that ran over you while I stayed motionless across the street. I could see you, rippling off the street and landing flat on your face while I stood across the street with horror debilitating every part of my body. I could see the blood vibrantly oozing out of your body that remained unbelievably static and battered while I knelt on my knees with a numbness that I had never known before. And there my love, I could see it - the way you kept walking away from me, and into somewhere that was far beyond my reach while I dashed across the street only to embrace the lifeless body of the person who was the very core of my being.

And that was how I saw it - the wrist of mine that held our names and the memories of our togetherness becoming accursed by the ruinous demise of yours. And that was how every bit of love that was supposed to be solely mine abandoned me in the midway and leaving me incapacitated to love anyone anymore.

The curtains fell apart, compelling me to loosen my grip around them as I slouched down on the cold marbled floor. I ran my fingers along the dried stains of tears that were supposed to be etched across my cheeks, however stunned when I found none. For all I ever found was the emptiness strangling every fibre of my being and causing my heart to bleed away while my soul wailed for that presence of yours. I looked down at my wrist, as I remembered the innumerous times I had tried to wipe those initials off it, only because it kept reminding me of that one cursed day that ripped our fates apart from one another. I remembered, scratching and scathing those initials only to obliterate them wholly from the flesh of my wrist because it kept making me recall those shattered dreams that we had woven, and only because it reminded me of those promises and vows that we had once exchanged to tolerate each other for the rest of our lives with nothing but love. I remembered, hating this wrist of mine and wanting to rip those names away from it - for it perpetually reminded me of that one day that crumbled my world into zillion of shreds; for it relentlessly reminded me of that one day that marked your absence from this life of mine. And only for it brutally reminded me of that one day that held the ability to darken every blissful moment of ours and tainting them with unfathomable anguish that seemed more profound than the love that once existed amid us.

Bringing my numbed arm to the level of my eyes, I took a furtive glance at that wrist of mine only to stare those initials of yours and mine, and now I couldn't feel the denial that had thrown me into a pit of incessant cries and screams; And now, I couldn't feel the writhing of my body and fragmentation of my soul in the loss of you. And now, I couldn't see anything but the embers of the past burning and continuously replaying through my head whenever I saw the cursed wrist of mine. And now, I couldn't feel anything but a certain hollowness that was now deeply entrenched in this fate of mine - everlastingly reminding me of that presence of yours that held a perennial and painful absence along with it.