Everything For Him - Part 8

I looked over at my alarm clock to see the neon blue numbers showing 05:43. Ugh. Two minutes before my scheduled alarm, again. I had to get up and get ready to go to the job I hated, again. I rolled over and switched off my alarm, then threw the covers back.

It was freezing cold. I hated leaving my warm cocoon every morning. Especially since this bed had turned out to be somewhat of a safe place here. I walked into the bathroom attached to my room and looked into the mirror hanging above the white granite sink. My bright blue eyes were marred by tired dark circles under them. I looked worn-down and tired.

I finished going through my morning routine of brushing my teeth and taking a shower. I lotioned my entire body with a moisturizer. Then I took out my round brush and hair dryer and blew out my hair, followed by strategically applying anti aging creams. 

I picked out the most basic outfit I could find: blue jeans and a red t-shirt. I turned out of the closet, flicked out the lights in there, the bathroom and the bedroom and headed for the hall. The milk packet was right out of my door in a basket. I picked it up and walked into the kitchen. I needed a coffee to start the day.

After having my coffee I walked over and took my phone off charge and opened my email to check if I received any interview notifications. To my surprise my inbox is cluttered with promotional offers from amazon, flipkart and various other e-commerce websites. Having gone through my mails, I logged into my bank to check my credit card statement. 

Last month I had to spend around twenty thousand for my car repair. Even before that it had spent twenty thousand for my car tyres. The fuel prices are sky-rocketing and my car is burning a lot of diesel even for short distances. I decided to sell my car and purchase a scooty. Without further delay I posted the picture of my car on various websites and put the selling price at two lakh rupees. Once after it is sold at the expected amount, I will pay my credit card bills and even purchase a scooty.

For some people the day comes when they have to declare the great Yes or the great No for the question "Is this day going to be good and will things go as I expected?". It's clear at once who has the "Yes" ready within him and saying it, he or she goes from honor to honor, strong in his conviction. For the past ten years I have been having the answer as "No" as nothing in my life goes as expected.

Right now I am going through one of the longest and darkest tunnels where the hope of light coming into visibility is nowhere in sight. At the same time somewhere in the remotest corner of my heart, I have a keen desire to be something different. By the time 2019 becomes 2020 I wish to become somebody instead of remaining as nobody.

I opened my journal and reviewed the list of things to be accomplished by the end of December, 2019:

1) Make a plan to quit my job in five years and pursue my dream career: Interior Design.

2) Pay off all my credit cards.

3) Stop reading romantic books and stop watching romantic movies.

4) Go on a world tour.

5) Learn to be happy living alone.

6) Be a part of social activities.

7) Adopt a child.

The chance of me getting married is only one in a centillion. If I adopt a child the chances of me traveling to new places and pursuing my dream of establishing an interior design firm will remain a dream. Seventh one is out of the list.

Once after the car is sold out, all my credit card dues will be cleared. So, the second one is also out. World tour involves a lot of money. I cannot afford it with the kind of salary I am getting paid here. I love traveling but a single woman cannot travel alone by herself. So, I had to drop this one also. My dream of visiting Paris with Raghav still remained a dream. I wish I had someone who sponsors me for the Paris trip. 

And this year I am no longer going to watch any kind of romantic movies or even read romantic novels. I will include it in the list. Next, learn to be happy living alone. How can I feel happy when I am alone? Better I will replace this with yoga and meditation. At least I can exercise some level of control over my mind.

Last one, be a part of social activities. I need to think about it. So, now I made the final updated list which had only four:

1) Make a plan to quit my job in five years and pursue my dream career: Interior Design.

2) Stop reading romantic books and stop watching romantic movies.

3) Yoga and meditation.

4) Be a part of social activities.

Wow… now it sounds something achievable. But, Paris trip is something that my heart is longing for anyways not everything goes good in life.

And then I looked at the calendar. My birthday is just the day after tomorrow. Many say birthdays aren't that special. It's just the passing of time which is science, space and matter of fact. But I can't help feeling anxious as my birthday is getting closer. 

Thirty nine years have passed and I am finally going to turn forty. For me it's a moment to simply reminisce. Memories started emerging as snapshots in time and it began playing as a movie. The time I hear my mother's loving voice while my father gently holds me in his arms. My struggle to take the first few baby steps. I fell down, my dad just caught me.

When I was in my teens, all boys used to struggle to get my attention. My teachers used to say often, you are the cutest girl. Many proposals, but there are certain rules I can't ignore.

As I matured and took a stand, I have no need to keep reflecting. My life has become messy and not everyone is going to love me. I don't understand who I am and where I am going. I don't have a defined personality and I never get the things I want.

How odd I find those nostalgia days of turbulence and discontent, hankering with hindsight and wondering where the better times went. The good times passed away with a lightning speed whereas the bad times stretched for hours and hours, feeding the insomniac sleeping within me. I'm not sure whether I like reminiscing about things that I can't change.

I marvel at how I've been alive all these years? Perhaps it may be to taste all kinds of bitter flavours in life. I still don't understand how many variations of bitter experiences are still pending to be tasted.

I don't know if Sandhya has planned anything new this time. Of course I should feel happy that I am no longer celebrating it alone. Last year she purchased a beautiful sari for me. I saw many of my friends posting their pictures on Facebook, WhatsApp and Instagram along with the gifts that were gifted by their husband's on their birthdays. Sandhya's birthday had passed three months ago and her husband purchased a gold necklace for her.

How wonderful it would have been if I was also married to a loving and caring husband.

My mobile started to ring. It was a call from Sandhya.

'Hello Sandhya,' I said as I closed my journal.

'Good morning Ananya. Your birthday is just a day away and you haven't purchased a dress so far.'

'No need, this time I don't want to celebrate. And moreover all golden days in my life have come to an end.'

'Come on don't be silly. Tonight we are going out shopping and that's final.'

When Sandhya says that's final she refuses to accept any amendments. 

'Okay! Looks like you have already made up your mind for shopping. I don't want to disappoint you,' I told her.

'Haha! See you in the office. Bye!'

'Bye Sandhya!'

After disconnecting the call I squinted at the time on the top right corner of my mobile screen. It's 08:00. I need to start in an hour. But I am not feeling motivated anymore to go to the office. When we go to work, we like to be rewarded and recognized for our contributions. But this isn't happening. People who didn't make any effort are getting the promotions and hardworking people are treated with disdain.

I lost faith in my company's leadership. I want to quit this company as early as possible. I wish my nine years of experience would bring me better opportunities with a better improvement in my CTC.

Wait! Wait! Why am I dreaming? Despite all these circumstances my stupid mind failed to understand the logic that we humans don't have any control on past, present and future. Everything that happens to us happens according to the will of fate and we can't claim any authority over it. 

The fight I put up is useless and weak as I don't have any control over my choices and actions. All these years of travails taught me that I am at the mercy of fate and it has always been unfair to me. 

In the roads that we travel in the journey of so called life, our destination is always a tiny speck on the horizon where it meets the greeting first light of the day. Many of the roads we travel have cross roads and it is at this point the harbinger of fate waits for us with a bludgeon in his hand to change our destiny. Often they stand as hitchhikers waiting for us to stop to give them a lift. Apply the brakes and stop, your fate will be decided before we even reach our destination. The chances are you may never reach the destination that you expected.

To be continued...